Hi Jax,
I'm so sorry for the pain you are enduring. I actually think that you would be doing the right thing to always take your kids' side. Your kids did not choose to be in this situation. They need you to protect them from your AH, and back them up when he is being a jerk. It's hard, because at the root of a lot of our codependency is wanting everyone to like us. You need to develop a thick skin when it comes to your AH when he says things like you always take your kids' side, and don't respect him. That is manipulative, to get you back into your "place." When he controls you, his addiction wins. He will be ticked if you take the kids' side -- let him be. But the kids will know that you are there for them. Does it ever occur to you that his complaining and bullying is simply a way to say to himself, "see, I have all of this I have to put up with. I need a drink." When he begins in on the complaining, remind yourself that he is in the process of rationalizing his next drink. His complaints have no merit. Everyone has rough times in their day and life, yet we don't get drunk in order to handle the bad stuff.

You are not a failure. Your husband would like you to believe that it is you who is failing, here. Pointing the finger at you takes the focus off of his drinking. The AH is the one who fails to make responsible choices day in and day out. He's the one who is making everyone else miserable.

Prepare yourself for your AH possibly doing something to ruin your Mother's Day, either through sulking, whining, complaining or creating some sort of disaster so that your day is rotten. My AH has done this every year for as long as I can remember. So, what I do is try to ignore him, and enjoy my time with my kids. I set aside time later in the week for one-on-one time with my kids, go out for lunch or donuts, and I buy myself several small gifts. Your kids would probably love to have some one on one time later this week, with just you, maybe out to dinner. Think of it as a way to "rescue" them and you from an uncomfortable dinner at home with drunk dad, for one night. It won't be a picture perfect Mother's Day. At least not this year. Some year, though, you will find a way to a better life, and you will have those wonderful Mother's Days with kids and grandkids. For now, spend your energy on yourself and your kids.

Sending hugs!

You're absolutely right. He just said Im the reason why he does not have a good relationship with his kids. Right before he made a second run to the liquor store. Give me a break.

They are so predictable. Blame, blame, blame, then they're off to pour themselves another drink. It hurts in the moment, to be blamed. I understand that. As the wives and mothers, we work so hard to make things good for everyone, that it simply hurts when someone suggests that we are at fault for something. Just keep reminding yourself that his accusations have no merit. If the kids are not comfortable around him, that is on him.

My AH was all upset that one of our kids didn't invite him to one of their events. He was nasty about it, with this kid and with me. I reminded myself that the last event the AH did attend of our kids' he showed up drunk, and reeking of booze. The A's create their own relationship problems. We don't need to do that for them.

Try to find some peace for yourself, tonight, and tomorrow.

Invisibleme thank you for the understanding and support. You have definitely helped me through a rough weekend. Happy Mother's Day!

I can really relate to the Pillow of Tears. I joined the community today looking for ways to live with an AH. My AH just had his first rant at me in front of our ten-year-old, and didn't blink an eye when my son was screaming and crying for him to stop. I've always treasured how great a father my husband is - wondering if that's going to be past tense from now on and can't stop the tears. I've always been against divorce and I've been married almost 16 years and now it's on the table because of the destruction it is bringing to the family. Breaks my heart. Have a beautiful Mother's Day. Take the kids and go do something fun, treasure them and tell them how much you love them. Feeling the suckiness with you.

Our children are definitely affected in the madness. I left early today and stayed gone ALL day. I visited my mom and other family. Today my AH did not drink which Im thankful for. It was quiet and peaceful when I returned. Have a good night and I hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your day.

My AH started Friday wanting to make plans with our mom's for Sunday since he knows I'm feed up with his BS. But I was given an opportunity to get away for work and make it a weekend pleasure trip with my daughter n grand kids. Of course I jumped on it! Sober he was fine with it but drunk he accused me of taken a trip and lying that it had anything to do with my work. And since I work for my brother he must be covering for me cause a secretary isn't capable of doing what I was there to do. Every drunken daily arquement is only pushing me further n further away. Of course his ranting text after text.I guess he forgot what he was ranting over since I quit responding. He changed his tune to "honey I love u so much when will u be home"? REALLY? I don't even wanna go home!

DSTRICK my AH is loving too once he sobers. He has blackouts and forget the horrible things he say. He didn't drink tonight My oldest son moved back home (20). He's a good kid, but making some bad mistakes with school and overall looking out for his future. I was surprised for once my AH spoke calmy to him and made his point without going into a rage. I was actually okay backing him up when he is logical and sober. It's the vodka that make me a protective mama bear. I hope when you return home things were okay. Sorry your Mother's Day was horrible.

JAX, he's very loving when he's sober. It just blows me away that he can go from being a complete jerk to I love you so much! I don't even want to hear him say it anymore. Going on 30 yrs with this man and his roller-coaster ride. Last year at this time I really started thinking and wondering the older I get and the longer I stay how things would have turned out if I had made different choices. It's like i'm waiting for him to tell me that's its not going to get any better! Why is it so difficult to just let go, it couldn't be worst than living in chaos???

Dstrick-know how you feel. Our 25th wedding anniversary is coming up and I can't stop the "what if" thinking. My AH been so rotten to me since our argument on Sat. I already had brunch plans with my daughter and granddaughter for Mothers Day. Thank God. He speaks so meanly to me then accuses me of constantly arguing when I don't agree with his every statement. He's got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide. If he's not drinking he's either in a rotten mood or if he just had a real bender then he's very loving. Between him and my dad (who has always been verbally abusive) I'm feeling very, very low. I love my dad dearly and all I wanted was a nice dinner we had planned tonight but he turned on me too. Am I too nice? Stupid? More of an idiot than I think? Idk. Some days are just very hard.

I'm sorry ur having it rough. Sometimes I feel like i'm complaining over petty little things and I have to remind myself that he's the one making me feel like i'm stupid or crazy! This isn't petty, yes they have a problem but their problem consumes us also. Yes I think we're all to nice, but not stupid! I've been told that it takes a good person to live with and take so much.... I just hope that if the day ever comes that I can trust to love another man. Until recently I thought that I would die lonely and unhappy like my Mother-law who is 94 years old, she was married to her AH for over 30 years when he passed away she never remarried and has been alone for 40 years now. I want change so bad that I dream about it everyday! Keep ur head up this can only make us stronger.

How kind of you to say this. Thank you.