hello everyone. I’ve been checking in every day and keeping up with all your posts. I am broken hearted for all of us. It is a hard life trying to love an alcoholic isn’t it? The ups and downs, the guilt and shame, the anger and resentment. Wanting so badly to believe the promises to get sober. One woman said “ I think I’m just holding on too tightly to what I want for him, when it isn’t really what he wants for himself.” This statement stopped me dead in my tracks. 

After a horrific situation with him last Friday, I had ENOUGH. Spent most of Saturday forcing him to listen to me as I set firm boundaries. I told him I was releasing myself from my marital vows since I seem to be the only one concerned about them. I let it all out in one long exhausting cleansing day of ranting. ( he was sober ) his attitude was pretty defensive and oppositional, but I’ve come to expect that. Well, Sunday through Wednesday he did not drink and was the beautiful shining spirit that I actually love. But here is the hard, hard, sad part.... it will be short lived as always. He usually makes it about three days. So as much as i enjoyed his company since Sunday I have to keep reminding myself not to believe it will last. Any day now, The monster will be there when I get home . So sadly I need to close my heart to him. I act as if everything is fine to keep it as peaceful as I can. I am starting to do this FOR ME. I don’t melt with gratitude when he cooks dinner or buys me ice cream. But I do say thank you. This morning I was stressed because I haven’t gotten to do my laundry and he called me at work to let me know he was running a load of my things. ( I work, he does not.... I get up around 4:45 am to walk the feed and walk the dogs straighten up the condo, put away last nights dishes and get myself out the door before 7am. ) so excuse me if I’m not impressed that you did one load of my laundry, especially when you wash only 3 or 4 items of your own things each day!!!! You leave MY things in the hamper? WTF is that? So i realize it is finally alright to grieve it all and let it go. I’ve tried my best, and done everything in my power to love unconditionally and put his wants and needs before my own. I am allowed to just stop now. But it’s so sad.