Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Kellie 09/06/2016

This is the first time i have ever sought out support for myself. My husband is an alcoholic and pill addict. To be honest, he is just an addict, he will replace one addiction for another. My entire relationship has consisted of his needs, his dilemmas , his strife, his feelings ect. Somehow I lost me along the way. How I feel depends on his day, I matter when he needs help, when he is happy I think I am happy, when he has a bad day, mine is worse. And as you all seem to know, it's all my fault. I never help him, I never do anything for him, and of course in his eyes i'm the problem not him. No matter what I do or don't do, say or don't say, he finds a reason to dump on me.I run our business because he has no clue how, yet somehow I do that wrong to, and when i walk away so he can do it "the right way" well I'm shafting him. I just can't win. He went to rehab for 3 months in may of 2015. I had such high hopes, but when he came home I swear he hated me more. Nothing i did while he was gone was good enough or it was just wrong. While he was no longer an acting addict, he still had all the pre programmed behavior of an addict. His mind set never changed. After about a week of being home I started t see him slowly revert back to old habits, especially with his daughter. A year later, he is drinking and somehow thinks I don't know, he is starting to rationalize his behavior again and I am just lost. I am miserable everyday, I am starting to loath him, when he touches me my skin crawls, and yet i still try to be optimistic. I am so tired of hearing addiction is a disease, give him time, don't make any rash decisions. Cancer is a disease. no one would walk around saying " i'm fine, i can handle it myself" NO! they would treat to cure. Yet addicts get a free pass to use it as an excuse while I'm suppose to be supportive and understanding? I'm just glad I found this site, after reading many of the posts, I finally see It's not just me who lives in this vortex. I am so grateful for all of you who have shared your stories.

Newlife4me 09/06/2016

Welcome Kellie. I know exactly how you feel. I have been through much of the same, but I am happy to say that I am finding my way out! It hasn't been easy but it's the best thing I've done, for the kids and me. My AH was forced to move out in May and life has been so peaceful and stress-free. He was so wrapped up in vodka, that he had worked his way out of our lives years ago, so sadly, we don't really miss him. Like your AH, mine went through detox and rehab, and a week out was right back to drinking. He was just fired last week for drinking on the job. Honestly I just can't wait to be divorced and not have to deal with any of this anymore. I wish you strength to pursue peace and happiness.

Also, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's written for spouses of alcoholics, and helps to sort things out. It isn't the typical book on how we can deal with it either. I am so sick of crap like that! "It's a disease, blah blah blah". No one poured it down their throat! It provides insight and guidance, and I found it so eye opening. Big hug - gather your strength.

Kellie 09/06/2016

Thank you newlife, I am happy that you are moving forward and will soon know normalcy ! I have been slowly saving and planning , I just see no hope ! I will look into the book you recommended . As with you I'm soo tired of the feel bad for them approach ! Thank you for your support !!

Cadeer 09/07/2016

Kellie I'm so glad you found this group. I'm with you, any sympathy I had for AH is long gone. Until he decides to do something about his problem every one around him suffers. I get that it's a disease, but that doesn't absolve them from responsibility. Meanwhile we suffer. I know I sound like a child when I say this but it's just not fair. Hang in there and make yourself a priority.
Hoping you have a peaceful day.

Kellie 09/07/2016

Hi Cadeer! I don't think you sound like a child at all . I refer to mine as a manchild! He thinks he can go through life treating people how ever he want and then expects them to still be standing there to help him., and when I don't he throws a tantrum . They act like children! I don't think it's fair at all. I am a good person and I deserve better! What kills me the most is he will say I deserve better but won't give it to me . Ugh! Thank you for the kind words and I hope someday we will all find peace in our lives.

IamDonetoday 09/09/2016

I have found in the "addiction" field that yes we are suppose to be supportive and understanding that it's a disease, we need to have compassion and lovingly detach, and apparently we contribute to it because we are all enablers and "sick" too. That we can be happy living with an alcoholic or addict, we just haven't learned to lovingly detach. I've also heard us "normies" are so self righteous. Well I'm not Mother Theresa, I am a real human being with real feelings, just like all of you. I did not sign up to be the door matt to his addiction, to be so badly disrespected, sworn at, blamed, literally emotionally abused. But no we need to understand it's a disease. Yes a disease that destroys loving supportive families and it's a sinking ship, without treatment, to which none of us deserve to go down with. I'm not sure who I'm more angry at my AH or the addiction dogma. Sorry but what a pile of inhumane crap. It doesn't support us, it hurts us. Forget the addict, time to put you first. Do some soul searching, what do you want out of life, out of a partner? Can you see yourself doing this for the next 5 years? If not, what's your escape plan? Funny there were days when I fantasized that my escape plan was to move to a tropical island and become an artist (I may still do that some day), but I do have a plan...it was an excruciatingly long time in coming. Keep reading these posts and posting. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for having the feelings you do, you are entitled. We're here for you and I thank you for all of you who've heard my story. Big hugs to you...maybe we'll all figure out how to meet on that tropical island in the future.

Kellie 09/10/2016

Iamdonetoday, AMEN SISTA !!!! I do have a plan in place . It's been slow moving but getting there. I have been stashing money out of my pay for years. I don't have a fortune but enough to get out with. My brother and I are buying a two family duplex in the town we grew up in , met with the mortgage people today. I told him nothing but then again he never asks how I'm doing, or what's new, if it's not about him he don't care! I just keep telling myself breath and save .. Just breathe and save. If I could buy ten houses and turn them into safe havens for women like us I would !! I always say to my friend if I won the lottery I would buy tons of land and build a house for every woman that has an addict for a spouse. if any of you want to add a lil private humor to your days start calling your AH "pookie" or "eve" . Pookie is the junkie in a movie and Eve .. Well it's a douche!! It gives me a lil giggle. hugs to all !!

christmas 09/14/2016

I'm so glad I found these posts. Makes me feel so much better. I too have done the sympathy supportive approach to no effect except bring me down. He has just woken up out of his drunken stupor.

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