Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Tonight I wrote a note to my husband that I will probably not give him. Why? Because when he is sober these days he is angry and when he is intoxicated, he is mentally on unstable ground. He needs help for his depression/bi-ploarism. He's been in and out of the emergency room almost once a week for the past two weeks. He tells them he is afraid of hurting himself sometimes, but they never put him on a hold, they never keep him on a psych watch. They don't admit him anymore because he has pancreatitis all the time. He is 32. I go back and forth with feeling like our love will see us through. I have a psychic that I have conferred with in the past that says she sees him getting through this, but not until November. How can one emotionally hold on that long?
He left his car at the hospital. I offered to bring it to him or drop him off at school, but not to take my car. He told me he knows he has problems, but that I was talking to him like a child. Sigh. So...this is what I wrote. I just need it to be out there for someone to know, see and understand.
What do you think when you say my name, Lauren. Do you remember all the good times, the laughter? Or are you remembering the tears? The pleading phone calls? The text messages where I beg you to tell me where you are and when you are coming home.
Last night you said you love me more than anything. The same thing you have said almost every night we’ve dated, been engaged and married. The thing is, you don’t. You don’t love me more than anything. If you did you would get help for your drinking. Why? Because your drinking makes me cry, it makes me sad and it makes me angry. It has me missing the man that I spent so many nights with. The man that had goals and dreams he was working towards. The man who would talk to me and share what was going on with him? who was crazy about his studying and borderline manic about his job performance and running schedule.
I feel like I can see you being sucked down into the dark sometimes. Say what you will, but I keep telling you that feelings and emotions affect me and even if they didn’t, your sadness is my sadness. That is what happens when you love someone. You want to pick them up when they are falling down. Hold them tighter when they need it and never let them go.
I’m getting tired of being lied to. Of the nights you don’t come home. Of the excuses you come up with to make me feel better.
I hope it is true, that you love me more than anything. I hope that in the end that love can guide you through this darkness that you are fighting through. I’m just getting tired. I feel like I’m fighting alone right now.
I got angry tonight. I left to clear my head. I left for fifteen minutes. When I came back you were gone. I came back with a box of wine for you. Why? Because the only way to talk to you somewhat happy right now is if you are intoxicated and even then it is a cautious conversation for me. I came back because I love you.
I came back after fifteen minutes, Ray. If that. You’ve been gone now for 3.5 hours.
I have no way of contacting you, no phone to call or text you on. You’re in the wind.
It’s not gang up on Ray time. It’s this is how I feel time. Help me make it better. I’m never trying to attack you or make you feel bad. I want to help you and us. I want to be the family that we promised to be. I want you to be here with me smiling and loving. We’ve been here before, we can get back there if you can help me get us there, but you’re going to have to want to be there.
He left his car at the hospital. I offered to bring it to him or drop him off at school, but not to take my car. He told me he knows he has problems, but that I was talking to him like a child. Sigh. So...this is what I wrote. I just need it to be out there for someone to know, see and understand.
What do you think when you say my name, Lauren. Do you remember all the good times, the laughter? Or are you remembering the tears? The pleading phone calls? The text messages where I beg you to tell me where you are and when you are coming home.
Last night you said you love me more than anything. The same thing you have said almost every night we’ve dated, been engaged and married. The thing is, you don’t. You don’t love me more than anything. If you did you would get help for your drinking. Why? Because your drinking makes me cry, it makes me sad and it makes me angry. It has me missing the man that I spent so many nights with. The man that had goals and dreams he was working towards. The man who would talk to me and share what was going on with him? who was crazy about his studying and borderline manic about his job performance and running schedule.
I feel like I can see you being sucked down into the dark sometimes. Say what you will, but I keep telling you that feelings and emotions affect me and even if they didn’t, your sadness is my sadness. That is what happens when you love someone. You want to pick them up when they are falling down. Hold them tighter when they need it and never let them go.
I’m getting tired of being lied to. Of the nights you don’t come home. Of the excuses you come up with to make me feel better.
I hope it is true, that you love me more than anything. I hope that in the end that love can guide you through this darkness that you are fighting through. I’m just getting tired. I feel like I’m fighting alone right now.
I got angry tonight. I left to clear my head. I left for fifteen minutes. When I came back you were gone. I came back with a box of wine for you. Why? Because the only way to talk to you somewhat happy right now is if you are intoxicated and even then it is a cautious conversation for me. I came back because I love you.
I came back after fifteen minutes, Ray. If that. You’ve been gone now for 3.5 hours.
I have no way of contacting you, no phone to call or text you on. You’re in the wind.
It’s not gang up on Ray time. It’s this is how I feel time. Help me make it better. I’m never trying to attack you or make you feel bad. I want to help you and us. I want to be the family that we promised to be. I want you to be here with me smiling and loving. We’ve been here before, we can get back there if you can help me get us there, but you’re going to have to want to be there.
mitty13
I have been in a similar situation and hate to tell you that his alcoholism has nothing to do with you. That's hard to hear because it effects your life in every way, but his actual drinking has nothing to do with you. You cannot reason with him not to drink and he can't give it up "if he loved you". The dual diagnosis makes it even more difficult. We had an intervention with my husband and he chose to drink. He walked away from me, our daughter, his parents, extended friends and family too. Alcoholism is one of the only diseases that tries to convince the drinker that they don't have a disease. It is the most gut wrenching, painful thing to experience. The selfishness of the disease can be unbearable! Consider getting some help for yourself so you can have some peace and not become consumed by the disease too. It is a family illness and effects everyone. I sympathize with you, my heart has been ripped out and broken into a million pieces from this illness, but I am recovering and getting help. You deserve happiness and peace in your life. Take care of yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself through all of this. It will make you crazy trying to control it.
hmb1276
Oh my God. This is also like reading a note I could have written to my husband. I, too, am guilty of the bringing alcohol home as a "bribe" to get him in a better, more manageable mood. Even though it's the very thing destroying our marriage--I realize it's what makes him feel more "normal" and will help him talk to me. However, I then wonder how much of the talk he'll remember, etc. Such a sad, viscious cycle. I, too, have heard from my husband "I love you more than anything" or his personal favorite, "I love you more," and also, "I'd do anything for you." And I roll my eyes and tell him he's insane if he really thinks that. If I tell him that you can't possibly love someone more than anything and do the things he does, he'll say, "well, but I love you for who you are. You hate most of what I do--you don't love me for me." And of course he is only talking about the drinking because if I truly loved him (in his opinion), I'd love him as an alcoholic, too? I'm not sure, but it makes sense in his mind, I guess. I suppose it's easier for them to think that those who love them should just leave them be to be who they are, do what they want. My husband does the same thing--if we have ever argued or disagreeing, if I say I'm going to go out and get some air or go for a drive or whatever, and he's home alone, he'll usually leave. Why?? I think it's because he can go somewhere else and drink more and then won't have to face me when I'm home. I don't know. I'm praying for all of us on this board. I pray that even if our spouses don't resolve their issues and step into the role they should, that we find peace--whatever way that may be.
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