Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I have posted on here before - long story short: After reading my husband the riot act, and I mean I broke down every time he got drunk, screamed at him, yelled, cried, over and over again until he finally "got the picture" and stopped cold turkey. He FINALLY Realized this past July how much his alcoholism was negatively affecting our marriage. He stopped drinking in July and promised to go on the "1 yr wagon" and not drink for a year. Well he made it three months and slowly started introducing alcohol again. Whenever I approached him, he would say, yeah yeah, I am still on the wagon......refused to admit that he was coming off. Here we are in January. Christmas was not that great, bc he was hiding drinking on me since he got scotch as gifts and things - he was stupid enough not to realize that I always know when he drinks. He broke every promise he made - I am sure you all know this well. He said he wouldn't drink at home anymore, would only have one glass of wine with dinner, would stop going to bars in between court dates (he is an attorney), etc.
I kept flipping out on him everytime he broke a promise. The last straw was when he promised me he would stop drinking at home (again). He literally poured out an expensive bottle of scotch, which was impressive - and his intake was fair throughout all of this, but he got up to finishing 3/4 of a bottle of wine AT HOME on new year's eve bc he felt sorry for himself bc he had a tooth problem which cause lots of pain and no sleep the night before.
Anyway, this is the thing - the wine bottle was the most he had drank since july. He honestly is not getting drunk. although he is indeed drinking again, He is limiting his intake, and is not getting messed up from it. He Is doing all of the things he did before, but to a much lesser degree. Even last night, he had a networking meeting. he used to go to the meeting, then go to the bar after, get drunk, send me stupid messages, come home mad, etc. Last night he called me at 10pm, said he was drinking coffee with his fellow lawyer friend (after he had some wine at dinner with him). Didn't want me to worry, drove home, was totally fine when he got home - I smelled the coffee on him, and everything was ok. this morning was my bday, he never remembers, he remembered, gave me a big hug, and such.
so I have to say, he definitely has made ALOT of improvements. But what do I do now? I am still upset that he is still stopping at bars and things, and drinking again, but his side of the story is he is drinking moderately, which he is. how do I know it wont slowly get worse again? I flipped out on him enough - I just want things to be peaceful for a while. I am going to start to go to alanon meetings anyway, bc hopefully they can help me deal with the resentment I still feel towards him. But he really is trying to change.
any advice? please don't give me negative advice. some people on here hate their husbands, and I am not one of them, so please be careful with your responses. I need help to work at my marriage, not let it get destroyed. Thanks!
I kept flipping out on him everytime he broke a promise. The last straw was when he promised me he would stop drinking at home (again). He literally poured out an expensive bottle of scotch, which was impressive - and his intake was fair throughout all of this, but he got up to finishing 3/4 of a bottle of wine AT HOME on new year's eve bc he felt sorry for himself bc he had a tooth problem which cause lots of pain and no sleep the night before.
Anyway, this is the thing - the wine bottle was the most he had drank since july. He honestly is not getting drunk. although he is indeed drinking again, He is limiting his intake, and is not getting messed up from it. He Is doing all of the things he did before, but to a much lesser degree. Even last night, he had a networking meeting. he used to go to the meeting, then go to the bar after, get drunk, send me stupid messages, come home mad, etc. Last night he called me at 10pm, said he was drinking coffee with his fellow lawyer friend (after he had some wine at dinner with him). Didn't want me to worry, drove home, was totally fine when he got home - I smelled the coffee on him, and everything was ok. this morning was my bday, he never remembers, he remembered, gave me a big hug, and such.
so I have to say, he definitely has made ALOT of improvements. But what do I do now? I am still upset that he is still stopping at bars and things, and drinking again, but his side of the story is he is drinking moderately, which he is. how do I know it wont slowly get worse again? I flipped out on him enough - I just want things to be peaceful for a while. I am going to start to go to alanon meetings anyway, bc hopefully they can help me deal with the resentment I still feel towards him. But he really is trying to change.
any advice? please don't give me negative advice. some people on here hate their husbands, and I am not one of them, so please be careful with your responses. I need help to work at my marriage, not let it get destroyed. Thanks!
Flipping out will do nothing except make you crazy and make you become someone you don't like very much. Will it shame him? Yes, but I bet he already shames himself when he drinks. I hear most alcoholics do. What you've tried has been proven to be a very temporary fix.
Here's the problem, there is NOTHING you can do to make him quit. Nothing. I'm not trying to be harsh, its just the truth. And I know that is a scary thought because I had to finally come to that conclusion and it scared the heck out of me to understand I had so little control of the situation. The only thing that will make him stop is him. Whats his bottom? No one knows but him when he finds it.
Here is the good news: you have COMPLETE control over you! That might sound simple, but it its because living with and alcoholic teaches us behaviors that are not normal, like flipping out on your spouse and whatever other tactics we use to try to shame, manipulate, etc. our spouse into recovery. What we end up doing is going crazy, becoming codependent, AND being our alcoholics enabler. None of these things are healthy for us or for your spouse.
Please understand you cant control his addiction, you didn't cause his addiction, and you can't change his addiction. This is the facts. Facts I've had to learn the very hard way over 15+ years of nothing else making sense or working.
Please read the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Please get yourself to and Al-anon meeting and try several before you decide its not for you. I know this seems strange that YOU should need to go somewhere, but it will help you find a better way to cope with his alcoholism.
Perhaps see a therapist that specializes in codependency and addiction counseling.
And yes, you have a right to be upset that he goes to bars and drinks. Yes, you have a right to feel whatever you feel regarding your husbands drinking and a right to want things that are normal. I do too. So, start making changes in yourself that are healthy and healing and he will start taking notice.
Hugs..
You can't make him quit, he has to make that decision and see it through, but you can certainly let him know how you feel, and it will have an effect. My advice would be to talk to him about it when he is sober. Let him know your concerns about his drinking. Let him know you are tired of flipping out but you don't know how to make sure he realizes how much his drinking is hurting your marriage, and you.
Maybe you are at a place where you can work through this. But keep an eye out -- it is very possible his drinking will escalate.
The truth is we have 2 choices, to stay and to learn how to cope or to leave, We can't make them sober, or control it. No amount of screaming, silent treatment, threats...nothing will work unless they want to do it.
Take care of yourself.
So I just blew up the other night. I cried so much, and came out with all of the things I hated about him. And then he reminded me that he was very angry at me for not being sweeter when we were younger. I definitely was preoccupied with working 50 hrs a week and then when the kids came along, I was busy raising them. We had discussed this before, but that night was the first night I asked him - "don't you think the alcohol may have clouded your image of me?" and he said Yes. I think that was a new revelation because he talks about me like I was such a terrible person - i may have ignored him more than I should have, and avoided sex more than I should have, but i really don't think i was as bad as he was making me out to be!! all young moms get wrapped up in babyland, and yes, the husband feels left out and needs to fill that void - and he filled the void by drinking and hanging out. So anyway, it went on and on until I let it all out, and of course at the end, I complained about his drinking again. He brought it to my attention that he is controlling it. He is right, in a sense. As some of you said there is nothing I can do to stop him, but I can certainly remind him of what "used to be" and to be very careful never to go down that road again. The following day he said to me that he didn't deserve to hear the things i had said the previous night because he hadn't done anything so wrong recently. He is right, but then I reminded him that i was still recovering from the aweful things that happened last year (when he was a raging alcoholic), that it takes time to heal, and takes time to develop trust again. The thing is, he truly loves me and the kids, and he is trying SO hard. He has not gotten drunk since July. I think that is amazing. He has finally given me no choice but to accept the fact that he has reintroduced alcohol into his life. A few months back he would ask if it was ok if he had a glass of wine (at dinner for ex), and I would object and then there would be an "issue". Now he says, I am having a glass of wine. No options, no fights. His reason is - he is controlling his intake, so he has a right to enjoy a glass or two of wine with dinner. Since New year's in January when he tried to finish off a bottle of wine in one sitting and I freaked out, he has only had 2 glasses of wine in one sitting. Two weeks ago, he opened a bottle, had 2 glasses, and left the bottle on the kitchen counter for 5 days. I was shocked. I helped myself to the rest, LOL, and he didn't object. That was the first time in over a year I did that (long story - I got sick with lyme disease and couldn't stomach alcohol for a long time, this is also a reason why his drinking escalated back then).
So yesterday was the day after my big blowup - we had sex in the morning and at night, he took the garbage out with me (which he never does), he was SO sweet with me. I think he was hurting knowing how much he hurt me. He approached me and said, please don't put us thru that again. You know I love you - when you get upset like that it pulls us all back. So I promised him not to bring up the past again (I did that enough times, believe me - sometimes it is so hard to accept the reality of what our relationship was like back then, because we truly did and still love eachother dearly, and I am not just saying that). He could have easily stormed out and said I am not putting up with this - but he supported me, hugged me, and helped me thru the heartache (even though he was the cause!!).
So, in the end, I said, what about the alcohol issue? He said, just make sure I keep it under control. What do I make of this? I am guessing he does want me to wave my hands in front of him and wake him up if he starts to get out of control again. I am not thrilled, but it is what I have to accept for now. As katiedarling said, I can't make him stop. I just have to develop the attitude of not worrying when I see him pour out a glass of something. I just have to stand on my own two feet and NOT WORRY - I am sure that is going to be HARD!!!!! Thanks for listening gals, sorry this was so long!!!!
you don't sound mean at all. The point you made about him asking me to keep his drinking under control made a lot of sense too - thanks for the heads up. believe me I am not looking forward to it.
I just thought we were going to do better as a couple. we were both conservative catholics when we first got married, and we even didn't engage in premarital sex. He changed so much over the yrs, and I think it was more the alcohol that changed him, at least that is what I want to believe. After looking back at what has happened, it is so disappointing. But my husband said that we both hurt eachother in different ways. I had ALOT of issues with sex - I know that is not all that matters, but at the time I didn't realize how much it affected him. I was very conservative when we were first married and it took time for me to loosen up - way longer than he thought (yrs!!). And now that is no longer a problem, he is able to not drink - yeah right. So he uses that as a reason for a lot of his actions. That's what bothers me the most - he will not admit that he would have become an AH anyway. I just hope one day he will see it my way, but as long as he never turns back to that behavior, I guess it doesn't matter. My husband made an important point - we both truly do love eachother. If we let go of the past, and don't look back, and he does stick to his promises, we can have an awesome life together, and our kids will have a stable family, like they should. He told me just the other night - he would never be seen leaving us unless he was in a casket. He will always stay by our side - that meant a lot. I just need a break from this emotional rollercoaster, I hope to God for my sake he stays on the right path.