Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Monday night was horrible – there’s no pretty version of it. It completely sucked. I yelled at him on Tuesday and meant every word of it. I shouted at him telling him I will not hesitate to leave him. He said “I thought you don’t believe in divorce?” I replied, “You’re right, I don’t believe in divorce, but I also do not believe in being married to someone who hits their wife. So if I have to pick one or the other, I’m going to pick divorce”. I am not going to allow that to happen to me. I honestly believed that he was going to hit me Monday night – but I wasn’t scared. I just thought, it’s bound to happen eventually – might as well be now. Maybe now he’ll realize how bad his alcoholism is if he hits me.
He never did.
He also didn’t apologize the next day, because he didn’t remember doing it. He kept saying “I must have been playing around”. Absolutely not playing around in any possible way. He was 100% black out drunk and angry. I eventually hung up on him because I couldn’t stand listening to his excuses and BS. He tried to call me back probably 5 times, but I had turned my phone on silent and had to run to a meeting. He texted me and I replied:
“Yes I hung up on you because I am extremely upset that you have zero remorse for what you have put me through this last week and last night. I had a meeting and needed to cool off, which is why I did not answer your calls.
I am not your mother or your babysitter or someone that you can just toy with and ignore their feelings. Stop picking alcohol over your wife… get sober, apologize for your actions, and stop blaming everyone around you for every little thing that goes wrong. ‘I will try’ to stay sober is not going to cut it any more, you are in charge of your own actions, now take responsibility for them.” He responded several hours later with “I truly love you and I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart”. Not the apology I wanted, but I was going to be picky at this point.
I didn’t want to leave work yesterday. I wanted to stay as long as I possibly could, because I was terrified of what I would see when I got home. My mom had called me just before I left the office, so I called her back on my way home – Although she has no idea what was going on, or that Mr. B has a drinking problem, I stayed on the phone with her for a few minutes as I pulled into the garage. While she was talking, I prepared myself for what I could be walking into. I have no idea what my mom was talking about – I couldn’t concentrate on anything she was saying. I already knew – if I saw the bottle out next to the sink, I would grab my bag next to the stairs and fill it. I said to myself “make sure to grab contact solution, a holder, clothes, make-up, pajamas…” I listed off all the things I thought I would need to get me to work the next day and pictured where each of the items were in the house so I could grab them quickly before he could stop me from leaving. I thought if I forgot anything, I could buy them at the store. I had no idea where I would go if I left. I finally told my mom I had to go – she made a comment about how I was getting home so late and how Mr. B should have dinner ready for me. I chuckled and said goodbye.
I braced myself, turned off my car, and walked into the house. Within my first step through the door, I looked over next to the sink. No bottle. My heart sank. I was so relieved.
Although I was still so upset, that night was just like it was before he had his relapse or slip or whatever you want to call it. I just know, for 48 days I had a sober husband, then he was gone for 7 days, and then yesterday he was back. A man – not a drunk. My Mr. B.
It’s funny – looking back one night this last week, when he was drinking, he said “no one’s perfect, there has to be something you didn’t like with sober Mr. B”. I quickly responded, “I never saw it”. It was the truth. For 48 days he was funny, carrying, and most importantly - happy. He’s was a gentleman, he’s MY MR. B. He’s the MR. B I fell in love with, not the version that I immediately asked myself “what have I gotten myself into?” after the first time I saw him drunk.
Last night – we were a normal married couple – and I loved it.
I am so, so sorry for what you have gone through. This is horrible and scary. I know that right now, things are okay. Is your AH working a recovery program, with a therapist, AA, sponsor, a support group? If he is not really working a recovery, then this is a cycle that will repeat, and escalate. Sober and nice for a little while, then the drinking begins, then the scary side comes out, and maybe next time, he will hit. Alcohol really, really changes some men into horrible monsters. And it sounds like he doesn't realize the extent of his behavior. If he gets into a recovery program, he may begin to see how his drinking affects everyone around him, most especially YOU. But until then, he just won't see it. And you have to protect yourself.
I think you need a plan that you can take action with on a moments notice. You see a bottle on the counter, or hear something "off" in his voice on the phone, and you get out of there, immediately. You may never need to implement this plan, but it will be there, just in case. Beginning with a packed bag of all of your necessities, stored in the trunk or back seat of your car. Have someone's house as a place you can go to. And talk with your mom about your AH. If you can't talk with your mom, talk with a DV advocate. Don't keep this a secret. You are not protecting him, if you allow his drinking to escalate to a dangerous point. You absolutely have to put yourself first, here. Keep yourself safe.
I am really sorry if this sounds harsh -- You and your AH are NOT a normal married couple, even if it felt like it last night. A normal, married wife doesn't go through what you've been through. A normal, married husband doesn't do things that make a wife feel like she is going to be hit. I think we allow our definition of what's "normal" slide further and further from reality. I do it myself. I'm seeing a counselor who has opened my eyes to how NOT "normal" my marriage is. I am struggling to get out of this fog.
Get help and support for yourself. I regret not getting help sooner. I regret not telling my family what I was going through. I could have had support all these years. Instead, I suffered in secret. take care of yourself. Sending hugs and prayers.
Just getting him to admit that he has a problem and he shouldn't be drinking is hard. He thinks he has a problem with moderation, not a drinking problem - whatever that means.. He drank to the point where it landed him in the hospital for two weeks - had narcotizing pancreatitis, insufficient pancreas something or other, pre-alcoholic liver disease, and is pre-diabetic... but he still thinks he can drink. He’s literally had multiple doctors tell him to stop drinking – his response: “I know my body”. He says he likes to drinks because he's bored and "feels useless" (because he doesn't work right now) and to escape/ feel numb against the pressures of everyone and everything around him. He started drinking soo young and didn't have the family support as a teenager, that he doesn't know how to handle (in a healthy way) the normal stresses of life.
He needs support - but he doesn't put forth the effort to find it. I agree and I’ve heard that saying - if you're not working towards your recovery, you're working towards a relapse. Maybe I’ll say that to him more often. I have a friend that is not part of AA that has gone through what he's going through, I spoke with Mr. B about it and he was open to talking to him. He's someone that's been sober for over 5 years - had the relapses, the withdrawals, all of it - but has a support system that he's willing to include Mr. B in to help. If i can just get him to talk to someone consistently, I think it will start the process. Mr. B tried AA - absolutely hated it, and refused to go back. He's refused rehab too and the more we (his mom, stepdad, dad, and stepmom) pushed for it, the more he pushed back. I almost spent $5k on an interventionist at one point to convince him, but everyone kept telling me he has to go when he is ready, or it won't work. He is attending his first therapy session on Friday - and I’m really hoping he continues it. There's a huge part of me that knows, he's going to make up some excuses to not go "it's too expensive... I don't like the therapist... I don't need it...." blah blah. All things I've heard before.. but I’ll keep pushing him to go as long as I can.
I do talk to his mom regularly, and I'm very honest with her about what's going on. He hates that - but i don't care, she needs to know. I have looked into counseling for myself, called around to a few, but haven't had much luck finding someone that's available. I need to try again, I know I do and I will. Today.
We've spent a small fortune on rehab that he only went to because I threatened to kick him out. He spent the entire time trying to "game the system" and drink without getting caught. 2 nights after rehab ended, he was drunk again. What I understand is that an alcoholic won't listen to the non-alcoholics in their life. But they may listen to another alcoholic or recovered alcoholic. My AH goes to AA, but it's done nothing yet for him, as he's still in denial. The friend of yours may be able to get through to your AH.
Keep looking for a therapist/counselor for yourself. The greatest thing that has come from my therapy is my therapist telling me flat out that I had normalized things which are not normal or healthy. She listens, and doesn't judge me, and tells me I'm not wrong to want a sober husband. Being in the midst of this chaos had left me feeling I had no choices.
I also go to Al-anon. I'm still on the fence about those meetings as to whether or not they will help me. But what I can say about them is that I'm with extremely compassionate people when I go there.
If your AH gets back into a sober phase, you might suggest that AA or another support group could be great support for him, as he deals with life now without alcohol. I think active alcoholics see going to AA as punitive, instead of as help to get through the tough times. And same with going to therapy. The disease of alcoholism wants to protect itself, and so they can't see that getting help is all about that -- help. Help dealing with the tough stuff in life. And you may even offer to go to that first meeting with him, to take the edge off of going to a meeting alone. If its a good group, some member may glom onto him and take his phone number and begin calling and keeping tabs on him, which would be a step into a new world for your AH.
I did tell my AH that I'm seeing a therapist and he knows I go to Al-anon. I didn't tell him to do anything, but on his own, he did see a therapist 3 times. I'm hoping something the therapist said to him will click at some point. If you seek counseling for yourself, you might find that something in you changes, and this might spur your AH to get help for himself. That's the theory, anyways.
I'm rambling, sorry about that. This is such a hard road to travel. I will continue to pray for you. Stay safe, above all else.
He really doesn't sound like he will change and that he is a very dangerous man to be involved with. I know it is hard to think about, but you really just need to get out before things get bad again. This is no way to live and you are only hurting yourself. You can't worry about him and how he will take care of himself, you need to worry about your safety and wellbeing.
I had my first therapist appointment today, she recommended a book "Codependency no more" by Melody Beattie. She also recommended I distance myself from continuously trying to fix him because it's not healthy for me, or our marriage. I come home from work each day and have no idea if he's going to be drinking or not, When he is, I get angry, asking him to stop - because I can guess how the night is going to go. He has to stop for himself, I can't get him to stop if he doesn't want to - or sees the need to. I'm going to continue to go to therapy and try to follow her recommendations as much as possible. Distancing myself, for myself.
Mr B has had two therapist appointments now, and will be going each week. Silver lining, his hospital visit maxed out his out of pocket insurance expenses, so he can go as much as he wants and will never have to pay a co-pay - so there's no excuse for him to not go each week if it's free to him. I'm glad he's going, but i'm not glad that he's lied to his therapist about the quantity of his drinking (said he only has 4-6 per day, when 4-6 per day would not make him go through a half a handle of vodka each day), or the frequency of his angry outbursts (said his most recent one was a couple weeks before his hospital visit - he's not counting the incident we had most recently because he doesn't remember it). His therapist is not telling him to stop drinking, but is telling him that it's understandable to drink from what he's been through, and says he's functioning and handling things well. Not that he doesn’t have a lot of demons that he’s trying to handle, but this all tells me Mr B is not speaking honestly to his therapist, and is in total denial about how his drinking has a hold on him that he cannot see through.
I am so glad you are seeing a therapist for yourself. I've been seeing one for 2 months and I feel so much help already, so much.
About your AH -- there's a very good chance that not only is your AH not being honest with the therapist, but he's not being honest with you about what his therapist is telling him. When my AH went for rehab interviews, I had one counselor who phoned me to verify everything my AH said to them was true or not. They know that the addicts and alcoholics lie. Your AH's therapist knows that patients aren't always honest. And his therapist will see through the lies eventually. What I've been told is with doctors, when a patient tells them they drink and are having relationship issues because of the drinking, that the doctor just assumes that the patient is grossly underestimating how much they drink. But all of that isn't your worry, really. Your concern is to take care of you, as best you can.
You can't fix him. But you can fix you. Who knows, maybe your AH will see you getting better and want some of that healthy mindset for himself. Sending hugs, and wishing you peace.