Tomorrow is my birthday. I took the whole weekend off just in case I decided to go out of town or have a fun-filled weekend like I used to do. But all I really want to do is lie in bed all day undisturbed. I've realized that I've been depressed for about two years now but it's so hard to really face it. I went to twotherapy sessions with two different therapists. The first one I only talked about the stress at work because I used the counseling center at work and I was afraid somehow my coworkers would find out about my secret life as a wife of an alcoholic. Even though I know the center has nothing to do with my department and everything is completely confidential, I couldn't bring myself to go back. The second place I went I really did open up about how all of this is affecting me. But after I had spilled my guts and told the truth I was too embarrassed to go back. My husband berates me very often. He calls me all sorts of names and blames me for everything that's wrong in the world. The verbal and emotional abuse is terrible. It's getting harder and harder for me to pretend like everything is ok. My husband only has a short window every morning when he is sober so sometimes I try to have a rationale conversation with him but he is never able to realize the damage he is doing to me and to our relationship He says things like "at least I don't hit you. You need to toughen up. You're letting words get you upset." I've gotten through the last year of holidays by focusing my energy on my kids or my family. I don't expect gifts or acknowledgement from him anymore. Affection is nonexistent is our relationship so I've gotten used to that as well. But it's my birthday and I don't have anyone to shift the focus to. I thought I wanted to do something really fun with my friends but the more I think about having to smile and laugh and pretend all day, the sicker I get. I'd much rather be in my bed so at least I can be free to have a crying spell.