Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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DSTRICK 02/13/2019

Well ladies I feel like i'm loosing it more often lately, lets see in the past year i've put my hands around my AH's neck and asked him to shut up, i've poured a bottle of his whiskey on him and just the other night I slapped him to shut him up. All times he has come back at me but only holding me down yelling at me to never do that again but the other night I seen a different look in his eyes and tried to get away from the punch in the face I received. I didn't know how to react just told him that he would never hit me again! He passed out and I attempted to sleep on the couch, all I could do was cry. 31 yrs of marriage and he has never hit me sure we've had alot of arguments but never anything like this. I feel like i'm loosing myself, this isn't me. I'm the one who takes care of him and everyone else in our life. I'm the one who's always given in and pretended life was good. I just can't take it anymore, the only sober time I see is weekend mornings before he's up and going. I try to talk to him then but he has a blank look and accuses me of arguing with him. I'm not arguing.... I'm just tired of being the only one dealing with life, i'm the mom, dad, grandma and grandpa! I have to do everything around the house but he works so he feels like he's justified in not doing an dang thing! I have to do family things ALONE... He only sees our grandkids when I bring them to him. But i'm the bad one because i'm giving up on our marriageand him. I think he made his choice many years ago it's just taken me longer to figure it out.

harrisbaby 02/15/2019

First let me offer my sympathy. Next let me say I know, and many of us can agree, feeling pushed to the edge of insanity when it comes to losing our temper with the AH. I shoved mine to the ground after coming home from work late at night to find alcohol containers hidden in the basement while he was blissfully passed out. He was awakened to my throwing pots around the kitchen. I had said to myself, 'If I was ever pushed to the point of violence, then it was time to exit the relationship.'
I have also been subjected to the blank stare the next morning trying to address the problems, but I still tried for a long time, feeling like it was the only time I could count on his sobriety and hoping he would consider my side.
Finally I have also been given the guilt trip regarding arguing over the alcoholism, as if I (or we) are the problem. I suppose if we would just put up with it, it would make life a lot more harmonious. I even tried this approach but it's not healthy or even possible to ignore the chaos alcoholism creates.
No matter what the issue, I feel the alcoholic has the choice at the sober moment when (s)he purchases said alcohol, and it's a choice of alcohol over a loving, caring, and responsible wife or partner such as yourself. The two cannot coexist.
I am now separated from my AH and will divorce when I have the funds. This has happened over and over. I'm through giving him chances, especially now since he sees nothing wrong with his actions, but will accuse me of abandoning him!! I've stopped caring what he thinks. It's time he takes care of himself, if he ever will. Either way it's no longer my problem. I now focus on taking care of myself and helping my children and grandchild. I wish him the best and I love him, but I'm setting him and myself free. It was heartbreaking at first, but now I feel so much better. My mental and physical health have greatly improved.
I'm not saying this is the answer for you or anyone else, but I will say the only person you have any control over is you, and you have the power to take care of yourself well. Love and peace.

DSTRICK 02/15/2019

Thank u harrisbaby! I know now that all the years that I just took and took and walked around on egg shells not to cause an argument. Or waking up the day after an argument and pretending all is good. I told him the other morning when he was sober that I didn't have the alcohol to cover the pain like he has it. He can pass out and wake up to a new day! We on the other hand wake up with the memories building up day after day. I also get the quilt trip of giving up on him, but how long are we required in our vows to try. I have devoted 31 years to him and raise our children now 2 teen granddaughters i'm raising like a single parent. Sure he brings home the bacon but does that justify the constant drinking when he's not working. Why does his co workers get the better part of him. But i'm at that point that I don't care anymore about sparing his feelings. It's my time now i'm not getting any younger and I think i've done more than most would have done for him. My hard part is getting financially able to support 2 teens without him. He won't leave and I don't feel its right for me to force him to leave. He pays all of the bills and my small pay since I pay supplement insurances out of my pay check I don't receive much isn't enough for me to plan a move. He knows this and uses it to his advantage. I've made it clear that i'm only here for the girls and as soon as they're grown I won't have any reason to stay. Not sure if I can control my temper for a few more years.... But thank u for the support and encouraging words. We all need it! Hope everything works out for u I think its great that you stepped out and trying to make a better life for urself. Hugs and prayers to you.

Sll82 02/15/2019

Trust me you are not alone when it comes to losing it, many a time I have wanted so desperately to punch him in the face (alot!!) when he is screaming at me or when he is arguing insanity at me and it takes every being of my body to not and the only reason I won't is because I refuse to do jail time because of him. The alcoholic that lives in my husband is a nasty, evil, manipulative, angry, argumentative, arrogant, rude, smug little bully the I want to destroy but I can't. That's my husband's job.
He is destroying my husband, he is destroying my marriage but I will not, not ever, let him destroy me.
Take a deep breath, walk away and Stay strong.
It will not destroy us too

DSTRICK 02/15/2019

Thank u Sll, Something i'm gonna have to work on because I know he would definitely have me sitting in jail right with him if I ever called on him! Crazy the difference between sober and drunk.... And ur completely right the alcoholic is destroying the sober man. I wish he could see just one episode of his drunkenness and see how ignorant he sounds. Times I wish he would find someone else but then i've seen the messages he sends to other women. He sounds so crazzzy! What woman in there right mind would want that??? LOL

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