Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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shelliwiley3 08/15/2012

I went to my very first Alanon meeting today. Let me tell you, if I base my opinion of the program solely upon today's experience, I would never go back! I was so disgusted, that I left before it was even over. The meeting that I attended, because it worked well with my employment and kids' schedules, was a bunch of complaining ladies...just complaining about their spouses and boyfriends. I realize completely that the group is for talking, sorting things out, getting advice, etc. BUT...my major hesitation for attending was exactly what happened at today's meeting. I did not attend to listen to people bad mouth their significant others. I did not attend to listen to a room full of women telling others to leave their spouses and boyfriends. That's exactly the opposite of what I've heard happens, opposite of what I've heard the group is about. I need support to pull myself back up again, to get on my own feet, to work through the pain and hurt brought on by my husband's addiction, to overcome my co-dependence.

That all said, man...lesson learned! More research needs to go into finding a better group! I spoke to another woman who attends meetings and she said that she tried that meeting...and that she couldn't handle it.

Sorry...just need to vent. I finally worked up the courage to attend a meeting, and it went haywire. Certainly not what I expected! I intend to find another meeting to try...but it may take a while again for me to work up the courage!

deleted_user 08/15/2012

Sorry to hear that your first Alanon experience was so bad. I once attended an Alanon meeting that was full of cross-talk and some of the veteran members felt it was their right to give advice. Neither of these things should happen at an Alanon meeeting and if it is happening, leave and do not come back. My "home meeting" was a true blessing! Full of wisdom, grace, support and love. I hope you find a group like that.

Perhaps the other woman you spoke with can point you in the right direction. Good luck.

Karenhopeful 08/16/2012

Also, sorry it did not go well. Good for you for getting the courage to try. Please try a few other groups!

deleted_user 08/17/2012

It's almost like finding a church. If you don't believe in the way the message is delivered, find another group where you can get something out of what is being said. For the women at the meeting who were complaining, you can only complain SO much - there comes a time when you need to DO something about it.

shelliwiley3 08/17/2012

I realize that the group is a support group. I expect there to be moments of venting...but how that group was run was just beyond me. Like you said LisaW123, eventually complaining just becomes an annoyance. I am more than willing to listen to people and be a supportive shoulder...because I need my fair share of it myself...but there is a point where action becomes more necessary than just sitting around in the same old life and not changing anything. That was my point for starting Alanon. I've made the changes that I can make...now I need some people to talk to.

I found another group that I am going to try on Sunday. We'll see how that one goes. It was recommended to my by the wives of a few of the men that attend AA with my husband :)

4mysanity 08/18/2012

The program works for so many......it's workin for me. I think the key is to find a group where you really "click".I hope you find a group that workd for you.

deleted_user 08/19/2012

It works for many.

It also doesn't work for many.

The church analogy is a good one, because maybe you don't even need that church.

Even the best run al anon group is going to have the same verbal abuse and circular reasoning you want to escape from your AH. Example: at the same time they make you chant that you dicn't cause it and can't control it and then you are expected to do a "fearless moral inventory" and take responsibility after all. Heck with that. And when every fiber of your being says get out of this room, they will chant at you that you are not trying unless you come back for 6 meetings.

If al anon turns out to work for you, good. Whatever works, good.

For me, being in a room of people talking about their alcoholics was just what I didn't need. Therapy, reading (self help and other books) exercising were all better ideas for me. Also going to an AA meeting was better, because at the AA meeting the alcoholics took ALL responsibility and did not expect their partners to take a "fearless moral inventory."

Good luck.

shelliwiley3 08/19/2012

I've been to quite a few open AA meetings with my husband and I feel pretty comfortable there now. I didn't at first, since I felt like a sore thumb sticking out in the room. But, the group that my husband attends is really quite open with me and often asks for my view on things. Another man's wife attends open meetings occasionally too. It's kind of interesting when one of the other people in the room (the group my husband has chosen to attend is almost all men...there are two or three regularly attending women, then of course a new one here and there that attends because the time works for them) asks for my opinion, asks for some insight on the spouse's "side' of things. It's also fascinating for me to hear their "side" of things.

I will attend another Alanon meeting today. I think, if I'm not impressed with this one, it will be a while before I go back. I agree with you mezzorella. I think for some, it works great...for others, it may not. I am not "escaping" my alcoholic husband...I am trying to work with him through his program. What I need is just someone to talk to about the hurt I still hold on to, the issues that come up with having a husband in AA, the feelings of doubt and fear that I have. This group takes care of a lot of that need...maybe it's enough...I don't know yet :)

deleted_user 08/22/2012

I found the AA meetings to be far better for me than Al-Anon meetings. The latter was a bunch of people repeating what happened during the week before - no solutions offered, etc. In AA, I could see sober people who had great stories of becoming successful despite the power of alcohol. I guess I felt uplifted by the support and friendship everyone offered those around them.

My dad stopped drinking and attended AA for years - he was sober for 23 years when he passed away. The friendships he made in AA transformed him - I am grateful he was sober when his grandchildren were born.

shelliwiley3 08/22/2012

I must say, the more I get to know my husband's AA buddies, the more I like them. At first, I was very, very, very jealous of them and of the time the program demanded of my husband. I am getting better about that and am amazed at what they and the program have helped my husband with. I have a whole new respect for the program. My husband is only at 90 days...a drop in the bucket, I know...but he has changed a lot in that time and his bond with his AA friends have helped with that a LOT.

I went to another AA meeting with my husband tonight. I do feel more comfortable with them, rather than the Alanon group. I gues, like I said, I like that this particular AA group seems to openly welcome in the wives and significant others once in a while, and we discuss things from both sides. There is no blame...there is no he said/she said. It's about what I can do to help my husband, what he can do to help me. There are other nights where I just sit and listen and take in what these individuals are saying and I have learned so much. I think my husband was lucky to stumble into an amazing group that doesn't always follow the conventional rules :)

sandyelaine 08/25/2012

I also dislike Alanon for the same reasons that you did, I have been to AA meetings and there ok just not for me eather I'm like mezzorella I found other things that work for me. Alanon works for some and not for others I'm just not a fan of there philosophy.

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