I'm so sorry you're in this position. I know how difficult is and how you must be holding your breath all day waiting for the moment he reaches for his drink. The only words of comfort I can give you is to remind you that you're not alone. You walk by us in the grocery store, you see us playing at the park with our kiddos, you pass us on a hike, you sit by us at the movies....you belong to a sad and lonely club of partners feeling the same emotions you do...we are strong in numbers and we know your pain.

Sorry, the lying is so painful.

I started keeping a log of incidents. The days, months, and then years had started to be a blur of the same old same old, and I wanted a memory of how I felt at those times. As I progressed to the point where I knew I had to file for divorce, it really help me to go back and read all those incidents. The volume of them alone was eye-opening. Helped remind me during the divorce of how bad I felt during the past years.

Hang in there - you'll know when the time is right to take the next step. It's not easy but I can say, as someone who has come out on the other end, it is very worth it. Life is good again - actually it's great!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I totally get it, as do the rest of the women here. You know, I think there's a part of them that wants to believe their own lies, that they don't really want their lives to be this way, either, so they practice magical thinking. Your AH probably told you that he was cutting back because that's what he wanted it to be, and he didn't want to disappoint you again, and he didn't want to have to feel the pain of knowing that he was messing up his own life and your marriage. They spend so much of their day numbed out that they can't even imagine what the lying does to a marriage. My AH even told a therapist that we saw together that I had a "thing" about not wanting to be lied to, like this was some sort of weird fixation I had.

I second Newlife4me's suggestion to keep a journal to reread for when you feel guilty for not wanting to put up with this any more. I've also been writing my list of why this is intolerable for me, why lying has led to my not trusting him, what things happen that harm me when he's drinking, and why even moderate drinking wouldn't be enough for me. (My AH thinks he can "moderate." He's been working at getting to moderation for a year or more now. Of course he isn't really moderating, but he likes to delude himself.) I'm also writing out my list of why I need to get out of this living situation. It has helped me to put it all down in writing. My AH has minimized everything that I feel, over the years. Writing it out helps me acknowledge to myself how horrible it has really been, since he keeps telling me that it is not that horrible. It might help you to write out why it's not enough for you, for him to just be a nicer drunk. Nice drunks are still not good marriage partners.

They don't get it, and may never get it. Just because they don't understand how much they hurt us and our marriages, doesn't mean that the pain isn't there. Take good care of yourself. Sending hugs.

I hate that anyone is effected by addiction but it does give comfort that I'm not the only one and to know I'm really not crazy! It's so overwhelming it controls everything I do. I know he's drinking yet I'm always trying to give him the benefit of the dought. I guess just hoping that it will magically go away... I have kept a journal over the past few years but I will be faithful in writing then get discouraged when it goes on a daily bases that something stupidly bad happens. Thank u all for your responses some days r harder than others even though he's trying to be nice right now I can't help but still have resentment. This morning I wanted so much to skip church and just lay with him in bed but I knew it wouldn't last long and then I would be slipping. Stay strong and not give in is what I have to do. My thoughts n prayers are with all of u ladies also.