Ugh I feel you I didn't tell my AH family what was happening until after his dad died and he started to spiral out of control. The sad and scary thing is it doesn't matter what you say or do because they care about alcohol first! My AH does the same - pick fights so he can have an excuse to get drunk as f and then pick more fights because he wants the world to burn and I'm an easy target. For me he's bounced off the bottom a few times this year, right now he's being held by the hospitals mental health facility because they FINALLY took me seriously when I said he's going to kill himself when he's drunk not when he's sober (they have to say they're suicidal when they're sober or they can't keep them and he's a very good manipulator). You and I look at them and think what is wrong with you, can't you see what you're doing? But really they can't, alcoholism is the domain of very selfish people, I don't mean selfish on purpose but for whatever reason they refuse to see what it does to others so they can keep doing what's easy - turn to the bottle. I suggest you get codependent no more, it's a book by Melanie Beattie and it helped me a lot, opened my eyes to what MY behaviour was doing to make the situation worse for myself, and honestly the only person you can change is you. Maybe he will see that and change as well but likely it will take something very drastic. Sorry to say that, i wish it wasn't so but from personal experience the loved ones of addicts go through hell and there's only a remote chance that everyone comes out the other side. Much love and hugs

I also want to say that coming here is a good first step, as is telling his family and even seeking out a counsellor for yourself. This is a scary time and you're probably worried that everyone is going to tell you you HAVE to leave. Some partners of addicts have figured out how to stay and also care for themselves first and not the addict, it's very hard, but regardless you will ultimately feel so much better when you realize that you are only in control of you and you don't HAVE to be in control of him. Trust me, the book I mentioned says it a lot better than I can though

Yes of course it's you!! Just kidding. Every alcoholic does this. They blame everyone and everything but themselves for their problem my husband blamed me in multiple different ways for a while. Finally I just said, "say what you want I don't give I shit. Your an alcoholic plain and simple. There isn't anything you can say to change that." He backed off for a while after that
It's just them trying to justify their problems. Don't let it effect you. It's not your fault, remebered that. You change change cure or control an alcoholic you can just do you be you and keep on moving forward with your life. Eventually you have to set boundaries and stick.with them. I wish I did that a while ago it would have helped me out.

Thank you ladies , this group has helped me soo much I have learnt that he is going to do what he want when it comes to alcohol reguardless of what I say or do and I have learnt when he is drunk to not engage him and not to give him the argument he craves when he like that r looking for a excuse to just go drinking more , I go to my sister& mother as way of venting and while it's good to get it off my chest I feel like a burden on them , the other day he said he was going out but wouldn't drink therefore would only be gone an hour I said ok but I was expecting him to drink I no longer have the expectations of him not drinking he rang while was out trying to have an argument over the phone but I just said u want to stay out that's fine with me I think he was V suprised at that and I was V suprised with myself for dealing with it rather dan having an argument so he came home an hour later drunk not as drunk as has been but still drunk wasn't in door 2 seconds and starting argument and saying horrible things our baby was asleep and it took a while to get her down so all I kept saying was ssh u will wake grace I went from been prowd myself to feeling a bit shit after all things he said den of course he says we're splitting up I'm going to live in my mothers (she lives 5 mins away) I said ok just b quiet when going out the door he was back 2 hours later I found him asleep in the back garden I said will u just cop on either go to bed t yr mother there's no talking to him when he's drunk he says why would I go to my mothers he didn't even remember what he had said 2 hours ago !! His brother came down that evening I taught great he's going to talk some sense into him but he backed out and wen he came my husband had sobered up that worries me how he could be dat drunk&act sober around other I feel his family always knew but their just turning a blind eye to it !!! It's very frustrating when everything is good&other next it horrible and I just have to put up with it I know it's a disease&hi have said to him alcoholic is not a dirty word but it is what you and I will help you as much I can but I can't help you if your not willing to help yourself I don't even think he thinks he's an alcoholic he doesn't realise how bad it is - His brothers gf has been brilliant to talk to she works Ina rehab place but she said that they only admit patients that go willing as check themselves in I can't see that happening at all!! I actually can't wait for these blood tests to be done because then the doctors might take the situation seriously!!

Black outs are great huh? They forget wverythkng and your left with the memory and the pain. Not cool. These afe all signs. Thats awesome you stayed chill. He really got an eye opener. He said he wants to split up so he could go drink then gets so wasted and forgets. Tell him what he said and what he did. Let him know. Maybe he will see its a problem, or not who knows. Im sorry you are in high stress. Just hang in there and stick it out and be strong. Its funny how they pick a fight, looking for reasons to be angry to justify their drinking behavior. Bull shit.

Thank you CeeCee4 yes I told him the nxt morn what he had said (it was the second time he had said it to go out drinking) I told him I put up with a lot but I won't stand him holding our relationship to ransom like that he apologised deeply&didn't have any drink yesterday&today I said I'm glad your sorry but if you say it again you might just well get your wish he says when he is sober I would never want to break up I said we'll be careful what you say (although I know he can't control it) it's hard because weekdays he is an amazing person and weekend it's a person I don't recognise and my sis in law reckons I should kick him out lesson needs to be taught but wat she doesn't realise is it wouldn't teach him a lesson he would just use it as excuse to drink even more and prob end up passed out in a field (which has happened a few times) I wasn't sure for while he was a real alcoholic but when I came on this I seen a lot of women in this describe their AH behaviour and they could very easily have been talking about my husband so I knew he truly was I just wish he would see it to but I don't know how long or if he ever truely will

We got life insurance today - he was sober but the worrying thing was they asked have you ever had a alcohol problem and have you ever been prescribed medication to reduce alcohol intake he answered no to both questions I couldn't believe it that just goes to show how much in denial he is he won't even admit it out loud

Realistically, he probably WON'T learn a lesson until you kick him out. I know that's easier said than done, I haven't done it yet but my AH is falling apart at the seams, and he's extremely "lucky" that he had his head "smashed" last week or else he wouldn't have been held involuntarily at the hospital where he's getting help that would have taken six months to a year to receive if he went on his own accord. i'm used to all the vitriol too, and people who want to look the other direction because they don't want to have to deal with the discomfort of alcoholism. all you can do is work on you and lean on your support group. it's AMAZING that your SIL works in a rehab, you have a unique perspective there, so definitely pick her brain when you can, and see if she can help you find someone to talk to for yourself, a therapist or counsellor or social worker. Every little bit, every helping hand, will make the difference for you. xx

Thank you learningpatience yes I'm going to try get all the support I can because keeping it to myself is just to stressful , I think also he may be going from functional alcoholic to full on alcoholic yesterday after work he was meant to drive me to the shop - which is norm no problem but he came home drunk not as bad as previous weekend but still drunk enough I asked had he been to the pub he denied it down to the ground then I looked at him and said oh my god you have been drinking we can't go to the shop he said I've only had one pint we can still go so it went from going from swearing he had none to finally admitting he had "one" I know it was far more than one by his eyes and him asking me the same things I told him I really needed to go to the shop but there was no way I was putting any of our lives T risk by getting in a car with him I said I don't even know how you could be willing to risk our children's lives I told him how disappointed I was but I probably don't need to tell you that you might as well be talking to a brick wall when talking to an alcoholic when drunk !!! I'm so disappointed the fact I don't think I can rely on him anymore

It's crazy what they believe when they've been drinking, and your safety and life don't mean anything. I know because my AH has driven with us and has been drunk... took awhile before I realized it was happeningX I was in total denial that he would even do that because hello we had a child! But he believed he was impervious, that nothing would ever happen to him. He was wrong because he finally got a DUI and the lucky horse shoe up his ass fell out. I am still trying to figure out why I hold on ... he hit one of his worst bottoms yet last week, I just today found out that more than being beat up at a restaurant down the street, he was actually going to kill himself again. So, I guess we have been lucky. I'm still suffering, still angry and still anxious AF, it doesn't go away right away but you know what? I'm starting to realize I will find peace, with or without him. You will too. xx

Thank you yes sometimes I think I can be in denial as much as him as when he's sober he's amazing then comes the monster when drinking , he asked how his mother knows I told him I told her I said I need help especially when you won't admit it - he wouldn't talk to me for 2 days over it he saw it as a betrayal but I can't just keep it like a dirty secret he thinks he ok in account he has cut down on the drink but he doesn't realise he is an alcoholic who needs to go cold turkey not just quit !!