So after last weekends horrific experience, followed by four somewhat hopeful days of him not drinking, he was back at it. He called me at work 3 times before 10 am. Pleasant not drunk.... but by the third call at 10 am he was was well on his way. Since I am trying to be committed to not reacting I keep it light and loving, with a very gentle reference to what are his plans for the rest of the day..... he said he was going out to get us a Christmas tree. ( oh well it is a crappy tree as i expected) Any way early afternoon I get a text from my sister saying she flew into town unexpectedly , and she and her husband invited us to dinner. My husband hates them because they are disrespectful to me ( crazy right?) so I call home hoping he has picked up on my hint or maybe is following his “ cutting back “ plan. Nope! Pretty wasted but not in nasty mode (yet) so I ask if he is interested in going to dinner ( I am just not in a mood to cover for him yet again to my family so I would prefer he just comes along and hope for the best. ) he says he will go if that makes me happy.... ok then an awkward discussion of the restaurant dress code. It rather high end I say so maybe your tan jeans and a sweater.....this seemed confusing to him. ( sigh ) but he was surprisingly willing to come along. So I just said to myself let it go...... the time crunch was going to be tight for me to get home and freshen up and make the reservation, but not impossible. I get home and walk into a silent, dark home. You guessed it, he is passed out in bed. Not showered, not dressed. Before I really grasped the situation I say what are you doing.? He gets out of bed and can hardly stand up. I just stare a few seconds, keep my mouth shut and turn around. But too late, he sees my irritation and let’s the monster out. No apology, no accountability, no remorse, no consideration for me. I’m not backing down any more. So I let him know he has crossed the boundary line and he freaking lets loose with the usual temper tantrum calling me every name in the book yelling he does not give a shit blah blah blah. I tell him he is moving into the guest room. Then I text my sister to tell her I’m on my way without him. He is so angry but still wants to go to dinner(?- yeah I don’t know why either ) so I say he cannot come unless he calms himself down.he tells me to go f*** myself stomps off into the bedroom.  Meanwhile I have to walk the dogs with wet hair and get myself ready in 20 minutes. So I put my coat on to leave for dinner and he comes out of the bedroom in a snit asking what is the dress code. We already talked about that just put on what we talked about before. So he comes out in his worst jeans and a stained shirt. “ is this ok” still nasty. I don’t care.....then I remind him this is one of the snazzy Hamptons restaurants ( he knows this ! Everyone knows this!) stomps back into the bedroom screaming at me that he isn’t going and he doesn’t give a shit while frantically looking for appropriate clothing. Sadly he does not realize that he is being given yet another second chance and his reputation in the only family he has is being protected. 

Wow this is long ..... sorry.... I need the rant.

he seems surprised that I insist on driving, I get myself under controlwith only minor reaction to his temper tantrum. He mumbles insanely to himself for the 15 minute car ride to my parents house. We walk in the door... lol and behold he becomes freaking Prince Charming. My sister saved my life by simply saying “ it’s alright ... I know”. The dinner went fine and he was nice to me in front of my sister and her hubby until hit his fourth glass of wine and started getting sloppy and mimicking me . We drive home in silence. He gets of the car, slams the door. Things go down hill.so he takes himself to the extra bedroom throwing things, cursing and muttering, then coming out and thrashing about n the kitchen. Really? I am unimpressed.he actually comes back out of the bedroom to ask me for a tranquilizer!  I might be pissed but I’m not going to kill him by giving him a freaking tranquilizer after the amount of alcohol he has consumed, I unkindly answer with a go f*** yourself, and he calls me names and goes back in the guest room and throws more things around. The man has just lost the last friend he has in the world, me. The only person left who cares. 

 I cannot say that I was a saint through out this lovely evening, but I’m just done with the pretending and walking on eggshells so he does not feel uncomfortable with himself, or to avoid his temper tantrums. 

I feel surprisingly calm.  Lol as I sit in my living room looking at the pathetic tree he brought home. OMG it’s the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree! It’s almost midnight and I am worn out and the anxiety is creeping in, but I’d like to string some lights on that tree.

and now as I’m looking at that tree I think- he tried. On the dining room table are some silly things he bought me the other day when I asked him to run a simple errand, all wrong so I had to do it myself and I think - he tried. He did my laundry, folded it and put it away- he tried. I think- if only he was showered, dressed and had taken care of the dogs I could have kept quiet and this night would have turned out better....I think why didn’t I just say okay I’m going to shower real quick , can you walk the dogs then change- we have 30 minutes. The evening would have been just fine..and I think- it’s MY fault, ALL OF THIS PAIN BECAUSE I COULDNT LET IT GO so the guilt starts flowing in and the tears finally come. 

This is so hard.