Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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No one to turn to-looking for insight

mtsky11
mtsky11

I found this site also somewhat desperate because I feel I have no one to talk to about my AH husband.  I dont want to tell family or friends because of how they would view him, though they already have a good idea due to first hand witness of incidentsand in the past I have talked to friends but my husband found out and was enraged.  I do somewhat agree that it is our business and I shouldnt be discussing it with my friends, but I need an outlet.


I have been married for 7 years together for 10, and in the beginning  I thought the drinking was something he would "grow out" of, but I was wrong and we have been stuck in this cycle so many others have talked about.   I have spent many nights at friends with my kids when my husband is on a 3 or 4 day drinking binge.  I left town completly once and went to my parents house when he refused to go to work and spent days in our basement drinking alone.  Every time he is apologetic and says he will change, but every time it becomes harder for me to forgive him, you can't hear belittling insults from your significant other without it hurting you to your core, despite apologies the day after. 


This last incident involved our kids which is the most disturbing to me because they have been witness to a couple of his incidents but nothing this bad.  This time he threated to hit my son who is 10, with a plastic baseball bat he was waiving around, because he claimed he wasnt listening.  My son was crying and our other two children,5 and 3, didnt know what to think. I was able to calm him and he fell asleep on the stairs. I know that this isnt right, but I dont know what to do about it.  I feel partially to blame because he will drink occasionally for months and be fine and I go to the liquor store for us both.  But then something sets him off and he binge drinks for several days.  


We have tried counseling, and I have gone myself when he quit saying it was a waste of time and money, but he found out I was still going and made me stop.   I would go again, but I recently started working full time and dont have ability to miss work.   I have also tried alanon meetings but again dont have the time to go during the day and I am alone with my kids while my husband is out of town for work.


I am hoping this site can offer some insight and support. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  


jennfur25
jennfur25
Welcome! I have been with my husband for 7 years. At first he was addicted to pot. I made him quit and then he turned to alcohol. It's gotten very bad in the past year. We have a 2 year old. I was finally sick of the lies and deceit and told his parents. I did it from a good place. I figured no one in this world loves him as much as his parents. He took it very badly. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks. We are finally on talking terms. But I will never regret it! Ever! You need to protect your kids! They are dependent on YOU! Obviously they can't depend on their dad. I know it's hard! I know it is....but you have to protect them! If my husband even threatened to hurt our daughter I'd be gone that night and never look back. You don't want your kids thinking this is normal! If you have daughters, you don't want them growing up and having a husband that treats them how your husband treats you! This is a safe place! We are all hear to listen and support each other! I would leave! Pick a safe time, write him a letter telling him you are serious, and stay with your parents! I wish you the very best of luck!❤️
Lindsay87
Lindsay87
This was hard to read because I pictured each "character" as those in my own household because it's so familiar. I get what you mean about feeling partially to blame because you've drank ("enabled") with him in the past but it's flat out not your fault. Don't we all wish we could enjoy a couple cocktails with our spouse, laugh, have those deep conversations, make love, and just BE together without it turning into A Thing? We, as spouses, are not professionals on addiction. We can't be expected to have all the answers just because we're married to someone with a problem. Threatening and scaring kids is not okay, but you know that. He also knows that. It's scary that he was upset by you seeking help for yourself- that's extremely controlling. I worked together with my AH's family members and we managed to pull off a very small but effective "intervention" and even though it took over 4 hours, we got through to him and got him to agree to treatment. I'm sorry for what you're going through.