I fully understand what you are saying. You are right, there is no healthy relationship with an addict. You get so tired of them telling you what they think you want to hear instead of what is really going on. And the few times things actually come out that are real, are usually at hurtful times and in hurtful ways. I got to the point of not trusting anything my AH says to me anymore. When you can recognize the games they play and come to the realization that they don't truly love you for who you are because they don't love themselves, it gets easier to detach from them and not engage in any of their games and manipulations. In my situation, I have been dealing with this crap for 19 years and divorced him in my heart this last fall, even though we are still living under the same roof. Now, he is just an annoyance to live with, that I hope to get rid of within the next year. We have two teen aged boys also, so things are a little difficult to separate.
They cannot have any consistancy because their brains are all messed up from drinking for too long. Mine doesn't remember anything I tell him anymore, so I go about my days, taking care of the house, animals and my boys and let him just waste away alone in his room. I wish you luck on your journey. I am always here if you need to talk about anything or vent.

thanks, you explained it well. Our youngest is 3, so I am trying to wait a bit. I have been trying to separate him from my heart also. Any techniques you recommend?

bluesprite72 how do you go about ur day living with him still? I have for months tried to detach by not having conversations with him while he's drinking which is anytime he's not working and at home. I only have the weekend mornings before he gets up and finds an excuse to go to liquor store. But usually i'm mad at him then from the night before and something stupid that he's done. I've tried sleeping on the couch, that gets old! I have thought of moving my 2 granddaughters into the same room but I hate doing this to them. They have their own problems with their drug parents and feeling rejected. I don't wanna effect them anymore than they have already been effected. My AH is in so much denial I can tell him 1 night how I feel and don't wanna be near him and just hours later he's trying to rub all over me. Its mentally exhausting just talking to him. At times I think i'm crazy because I have to repeat myself so much.

umiil - My AH just told me last night that the 30 years we've been married I have made all decisions! He has given into everything I wanted to please me.... Only 2 things in our 30 years that he knows he made on his own. And I don't appreciate him at all.

I know, they choose not to be open and then resent us for it. He is always playing both sides & uses the one that benefits him in the moment. My AH loves to tear me down because it makes him feel better about himself, this makes me very sad to realize. Someday I hope I can be with someone who who lifts me up instead . My AH and I have not slept in the same room In 6 years, this helps me having my own space. I don't think I could ever sleep with him again.

He used to make me feel really bad about not having enough sex, but it just felt like rape to me, I finally came to terms with the fact that I cannot do that in the current state of our relationship so I choose not to.

Detaching is all about your perspective on the situation. For me, whenever I started feeling bad about how I had treated him, I would look back at all that he had put me through over the years and how much I never deserved the treatment he gave me. When I started looking into toxic, abusive and narcissistic/socialpathic people, I learned how they treat others and started seeing the patterns as I looked back over my relationship. Once I learned to recognized his tricks, I just would shut down my emotions to him and not engage in anything. The deeper I dug into our relationship and his actions, the more I realized that he never really loved me completely in the first place. He tried changing or smashing the strongest traits I had, to mold me into who he wanted me to be. Plus, I found out this fall, after the divorce topic came up, that he thought I had cheated on him 16 years ago and lied about getting over it or trusting me. I never did cheat on him, but the thought of him just wanting to think the worst of me and want to give up so early in our relationship, made me lose all trust and respect for him. Plus the realization that he never could just love me for me, was another way for me to let it all go. So, I go about my days taking care of what needs to be taken care of and just tolerate his presence when he is here.
Some of you may still have feelings for your AH, so I imagine it will be a little bit harder to seperate. I know I have had to go through some mourning the loss of the type of husband and dad I had hoped he would be. But based on their actions, they will have to face the fact some day, that they didn't participate in their childrens' lives like they should have and they didn't give us the respect and attention that we asked for so many times, until we stopped asking. You have to get to a point where you separate yourself from the relationship, in your heart. In my case, there never was a relationship. I was carrying the idea of a relationship, while he drank our whole relationship and put alcohol and everyone else before me and the kids. You have to let go of thinking about their feelings and do what is going to save your sanity and the kids. How much have they thought about your needs and feelings, while you were doing all the caretaking? You cannot keep giving to a taker and stay sane. Don't give them control over your feelings and how you live your life. Sometimes you will catch yourself putting too much thought into what should have been and how horrible they are, but make sure you catch yourself and pull yourself out of it and focus your attention on the kids or something that brings you peace and joy

Thanks for sharing, your situation sounds so similar to what I am going through. I no longer have feelings for him which does make it easier to tolerate him. I do feel pretty lonely but am trying to find things I enjoy. His mind games took away all that I enjoyed. But not anymore, I am working hard to find myself again. This group is so amazing, I don't have anyone I can talk to that can relate.

I love him only when he's sober which isn't but a few hours a week. I've presented for so long and I understand to feeling like you've been raped. I've tried hard to take my mind elsewhere but then I feel cheap. After sex I can't get up fast enough. I went to an Al-anon meeting tonight it's been years since I tried. It drove him crazy! He text me that I needed to make sure I told my faughts also.... it wasn't anything like like that. Nobody bashed their AH. He's the reason I didn't follow through with going before but I need to learn how to take care of me a day find what makes me happy. Thank u ladies for ur stories it helps so much to hear others. It's a lonely life and now that I've decided not to bottle up my feelings i have no friends to talk to so my grown daughter n niece seem to hear way to much out of me and I don't like adding my stress to their lives!

I do love my husband too when he is sober, but that's not too often. Even when I sometimes I think he is sober, he is not. And there are moments I feel sorry for him, that I feel guilty. I go to the park with my son on a Sunday, and I can't help it.. I feel jealous of the families I see riding their bikes and have a good time. Is really difficult having to go through this. I always wanted another child and I don't dare bringing another in this world with a father like that.. and I blame him for that too.

Charisma, I to get jealous over other couples. I'm grateful that my daughter has a wonderful husband and they share everything. I get jealous over their relationship! My sister was married to her AH for about 10 yrs. She's been on and out of bad relationships till last fall she met a good man and I'm so proud for her but yes I'm jealous of her too. Maybe 1 day we can all find happiness and true love!

I would love to someday have a loving, healthy relationship with a partner. I have met many couples over 60 that have recently met their significant other and are doing great...(after ending a long, hard/bad marriage). There is hope.

yes their is hope!

I have had to separate in my heart too. At this late stage, to leave him would be unkind and I can't put this burden on my adult boys. I have placed him in the role of old uncle...it makes it much easier. I have no expectations from an old uncle. I can care for him without so much emotion attached. Crazy but it works.

That's what I've been trying to do also, it's hard in the mornings when he's sober but I have to stay strong and resist giving in. Sometimes I catch myself. But if I give in it will set me back because he already forgets majority of what goes on in his daily drunkenness. And he's used to me pretending nothing bad ever happens and going on like it's all normal! As far as burden I completely get that, I also feel like I would be putting the burden of caring for him on someone else. Who would take care of him his mom is 94 she can't and I wouldn't do it to my grown kids they've had to deal with enough.