Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Perry314 10/02/2017

Good Morning,

I am new to this group. About three weeks ago I decided to stop over-helping my husband with things around the house. A week ago Thursday, my husband hit a low with his alcohol consumption and on Friday decided to quit drinking. He wants to do the process on his own. I have advised him to seek out support and have told him if and when he feels he is ready in needing support, I have the contact information for him.

He is going through the early typical withdrawal symptoms and I am transitioning as well. It has been pretty rough for me as the the things he says are hurtful. Not blaming me for his alcoholism, but saying negative things from his past that are issues that have occured in both previous relationships and ours. He is cloudy and not able to see that the common factor in each of those relationships is him. And I am having a hard time not taking what he says personnally. Everything I have read on the detox of alcohol suggests that people quitting alcohol say things they dont mean and it is a method to push people away as a function of the disease into relapsing, into keeping that cycle going. The things he says and the holding onto the past is not what he was like prior to the complete onset of his alcoholism. So it is really heartbreaking to see him in this state and really difficult for me to hear. I sometimes feel like I am crazy when I take in what he says and question whether the issues are his or mine. I realized three weeks ago that I was being co-dependent and I know that feeling that tangled confusion is also a direct result of that. That is why I started to distance myself and cut-back on doing things for him. I need to restore myself.

I want to be the best support for myself in this time. I have started doing Yoga again. I was planning on going to an Al-anon meeting this morning, without telling him and felt guilty about hiding it from him as I was behaving coldly. So I stopped myself and talked with him about it. I cant be myself if I do not have all of the cards on the table. I will be going to a meeting on Sunday instead. But I really need to connect to others who share this experience so that I do not feel alone in how I have been feeling. If anyone could offer their experiences and let me know if how I am feeling and what I am struggling with personnally is normal, it would be a really huge help. I am new to this and am feeling a lot of pain right now. Thank you.

learningpatience 10/02/2017

you are definitely not alone, and it's sad to say that yes, what you're dealing with is normal. for loved ones of alcoholics anyway. we all struggle with the pain of what they're doing and still loving them, or eventually wanting to leave but not knowing how to do it, and the guilt that comes along with that. alcoholism is damaging to the addict, but it's equally if not more so damaging to the people around them, because we have no control and it makes us crazier, so we try harder to grab on, which only makes things worse. it's incredibly difficult not to take the insults and accusations personally when they're being hurled at your face, but sometimes i remind myself when he opens his mouth as a drunk person he doesn't see me, he sees a mirror, and he's debasing himself. it's tough, oh so tough. going to al anon is a great first step. they also have online meetings. i understand the need to connect with people in similar situations - women in particular - because that's what i did, i sought every group i could find. i don't drive and we live in a small town, the closest meeting is too far for me to get to until i get my license. (coming soon to a wallet near you!)

Perry314 10/07/2017

Thank you for. Your response. I am having a really hard day today. As some of the things he said are about our interactions with each other socially. He is going to an event tomorrow that I would normally go to, but because of what he said, I just don't want to go with him. And I am having a full blown panic attack about it. About me telling him I'm not going, his response, my friends asking me why I'm not there and just feeling outright self conscious and hurt. I want to go, but it hurts either way. I hope you are able to get a license soon and have the support you need as well. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

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