Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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livelovelaugh 02/05/2017

Hi everyone,

I am new to the group and I feel like I am still in the realization that my husband has a problem with alcohol. We have been together for almost twenty years and married for 11. We have 3 kids. My oldest son is 6 and my twins are 3 1/2. The drinking started when we were young and he would go out. However, I didn't think much of it because that's what you do when you are in your 20's with no responsibilities. Then we got married and had kids and all of a sudden I realized that my life had changed, but he is still engaging in the same behaviors as he did before. I found myself being the only one to get up at night and take care of our son.

When the twins came around is when things started to take a turn for the worse. He became distant and started taking medication for anxiety. However, he didn't stop drinking so the combination of the medication and alcohol was terrible. As time went on her started becoming mean, started wetting the bed, almost got arrested and became verbally abusive. I remember a time when I had to call his brother to come get him because he was telling our children that he was going to kill himself.

I thought that was rock bottom for him. He acknowledged that the combination of the medication and alcohol was terrible and immediately stopped the medication, but hasn't been able to quit drinking. He still drinks every night. On the weekends its worse because he starts drinking around lunchtime. By the time the nighttime comes I can tell he is drunk. He denies it and covers up how many beers he has had. It is taking its toll financially and I have been thinking for so long that I can't do this. However, I cannot live without my kids for even one day and would never want them to be alone with him. What do I do?

sadandalone 02/05/2017

I am new too. Sitting in my bedroom while H is in living room whatching rugby. He hasn't said one word to me today. Two weeks ago today I gave him an ultimatum, and I meant it this time. If he didn't start to sort himself out our marriage was over and I would leave. His drinking has been bad for nearly 6 years. He has an army background of 22 years where the drink was a release. We married 6 yrs ago and 3 months later his father died. This triggered the drinking even more so and has never gotten better. We have no kids, so at least that is something. I have read many posts where children are involved and I feel lucky in that respect.
H told me after my ultimatum that he would seek help. After my suggestion he called AA and spoke to someone. The following day he was being taken to his first meeting. I was relieved. He attended two more meetings on his own and managed 11 days without drinking. I have had the most peaceful 11 days with sitting down to meals together, watching a tv programme together which has felt lovely. On Thursday just gone I got a dreaded text, "I have failed you" and then another " I will kill myself" my heart sank and I cried in front of my boss at work. Is this ever going to get better? He drank again last night and can't talk to me. I'm always alone, I try my best but I don't think my life is going to get any better if I stay in this marriage. I love him so much.

bluesprite72 02/05/2017

Live, I have been there. My AH and I have been together almost 19 years married 17. He was already an alcoholic when I met him and he was 22. I thought at that point that it was just his age. That things would get better with time. I thought after we got married, he would slow down. But he didn't. When I had my first son, he still drank the same, but still helped out and did stuff, even though he would drink himself to sleep every night. Then with the second boy, I had hopes that he would want to quit, to be a better dad and husband. But, like you, he got worse. He would hide in the garage after work or days off, drank more, did less. Fast forward, now my boys are 15 and 13, got sober a couple of times, drinking now, spends way too much money and still is not an active part of the family. Now, he knows I want a divorce someday, but even though the boys are the ages they are at, I don't trust him with the boys. When he is out, I will not let him have the boys over night unless he can prove that he has been sober for an extended amount of time. If I have to, I will get a court order for it. They don't deserve to be around that and neither do I. Just because they are his kids, doesn't mean he has a right to have them and put them in danger because he cannot take care of his drinking.

livelovelaugh 02/06/2017

That is what I am scared of. I can't imagine leaving my kids alone at night with him. If they wake up and need him he will be passed out =(.

hopefulmum 02/07/2017

I don't think your husband will get better without a residential rehab program. He needs to learn about the disease he has and learn new coping skills in order to prevent relapse. After this, in order to stay sober he will need regular AA meetings which give him a network of support. If you do some research, you can learn about the way alcohol changes the brain. He drinks due to the disease he has. He probably really wants to stop and feels terrible shame about his condition. I've been where you are - worried about my four kids, determined to not let them be alone with him, convinced that is could get him to accept help and change before the children knew about his problem. It took 8 years of roller coaster before he lost his job - giving me the opening I needed to do intervention that worked. The children suffered through angry outbursts and it will take him years to make amends to them. Lesson to share with you: do not wait, do not try to do this alone, do not underestimate the disease, go to alanon for support and advice. Go to a lawyer to see what evidence you need to prevent him ever caring for them alone. God bless you...be brave.

CeeCee4 02/09/2017

Similar story here. But no drank too, maybe too much but we were young 21 and 24 we partied it up friends BBQ etc but it all changed when I got pregnant. I had to automatically stop drinking and smoking. But him? He kept going. I was 24 when my.first was born just shy of 25. He slowed down for a few weeks. But went right back to 18 pack of beer EVERY night. He actually got scared one time because he got sick didn't drink and had withdrawls.. like shakes headaches chills he scared me too. But eventually went right back to drinking. He has tried 3 times to stop without help. 2 times with help. First time with help he relapsed after 6 months then 1 year later he went back and now it's 7 months later. He did outpatient drug alcohol counseling.
They can't do it alone they need support. Outpatient is nice for people who are functioning alcoholics because they can still work and continue normal life they get drug tested (I guess in your urine there is a way to test for longer periods)
It never gets easier it sucks so many horror stories I could tell you I'm blessed my kids and I aren't hurt

AliS 02/12/2017

Some hope to offer...I have been married to my husband for 11 years and together almost 20. 3 years ago he started drinking heavily and for two years things were extremely hard. Some horrible times and memories and we have 3 young kids. One year ago (almost to the day) I asked him to leave. He went to rehab (2nd time...first time didn't work) and lived out of home for 3 months. It was the wake up call he needed. He has been sober for one year now. To be sure, he agreed to have monthly
Blood tests which show whether or not he has consumed alcohol over that prior month. The lies and hiding that are a natural part of addiction had caused me
To have zero trust in him. The tests give me reassurance that he is telling the truth. My psychologist said that some addicts can recover on their own, others need a drastic life event (such as losing their family) to jolt them in to action. I'm sure it doesn't always work but it CAN and people can recover with the right help. He has had to fully commit to recovery - seeing a therapist twice a week, going to the hospital as an outpatient for a full day per week of therapy (AA style) and in the early
Days was going to AA at night too. I found Al Anon very helpful for myself and would recommend it.

AliS 02/12/2017

Oh and since your worried about how often you'd have the kids if you separate - you just need some evidence of his addiction/behaviour. See your GP and explain what you are going through. He will make notes. Use your iPhones 'voice record' to record nights where he is drinking and how he speaks to you (secretly of course....!). Email the audio files to a hotmail address so you have if you need.

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