my AH is the same. i constantly get accused of judging him or monitoring how much he drinks. that he can make his own choices and doesn't need me to babysit him. i don't do it for him, i do it to protect myself. so that i know what i am getting myself into.

the one thing that actually got my husband to acknowledge the problem was when i started setting boundaries. when he gets drunk, i leave the room or sleep in the guest bed. when he gets rude, i shut down the conversation. at any point when i don't feel safe, i leave our house and go elsewhere. it's not perfect, but my actions spoke to him more than my words. we are at the point where he knows he has a problem, but won't do anything to actively change it. he thinks he can continue to do what he does and something will magically happen. but he at least knows where i stand when it comes to his drinking.

tnt, my AH of 31 yrs isn't violent either. But i've come to realize that anything can happen, I see the look in his eyes when I cross the line when arguing at him and it scares me enough to back down. It's not the person its the alcohol and it puts a toll on ones mind and body. My AH has been a drinker since he was 15 so thats 41 years of abuse to himself. I don't think their is a control button for an alcoholic, my AH thinks he's in control but its just denial! Not sure how long u have invested in this relationship but I would consider all options if I were you. If I had more info 31 yrs ago I hope I would have done something different. Not saying that I wouldn't have stayed because I have 2 beautiful children and grandchildren that I couldn't imagine life with out. As bernb stated boundaries are a must in our relationships I never knew this till recently how important it was to set them. I have created a monster in my AH, I have done everything from waiting on him to cleaning up after him. He may be the bread winner in our family but i'm the leader that takes care of anything and everything. All he does is works, comes home and drinks till passing out. Yes he's responsible enough to make it to work everyday but I don't get any other help and it gets lonely after awhile! Just remember to take care of yourself before you take care of him! Hugs and Prayers

tnt,
Like bernb, I have been more aggressive about setting boundaries. This has helped me a lot in taking better emotional care of myself. It also will give you control and you will not feel as victimized. It is not a perfect system, but it really does help. My boyfriend pushes things as far as I let him.

I would suggest thinking seriously about things. Because if you do marry him, you will be in it for the long haul, That is a lot to ask of anyone. My heart goes out to you,

I'm a Newbie - thank you all for sharing. just the chance to feel not alone is a huge weight lifted.
I am going on 10 years with my HFAH (highly functioning alcoholic husband). When he asked me to marry (my 2nd) the 1st thing i asked myself was can i do this and not be a nag. I step over countless empty beer cans in the yard, garage, house because i decided not to clean up his mess.
Just before we exchanged vows he told me 'i tried to be sober today but i couldn't'. this has been life with an AH - 8am already having a beer - no news to so many.

I have not ever told him to stop drinking because i know that it will do no good and only increase the gap between us. He has continue to put walls up these past years. Loneliness and confusion are constant companions but fortunately never fear. I just recently have started making light hearted comments like 'the monster is awake today' when he starts to be belligerent and loud. thank you for the affirmation that this boundary is acceptable.

I have had countless conversations in my head but never verbalize because of the confrontation only causes anger. Just last night i mentioned that i did not mention how proud i was of him when he was able to quit drinking for a few weeks last month. His reply was 'are you telling me to quit drinking'. My hint to drop it.
I realize i am going on and on - bottom line for tnt would be do you want to call this life?

Mine is the same! He did just admit he has a problem last week and started tapering and now it very edgy. Stay strong. He has to actually want to do it and need a reason to do it. My AH's reason is our daughter.

Please spend some time reading all the discussions in this group. I don't know if you will find any comments from any woman saying how glad she is that she married an alcoholic.

Is this the partner you want for life? It is really hard. And it usually gets worse, not better.

I agree with ExJerseyGirl2. It’s not going to get better. Get out and find someone that deserves you.

Hello, I have been here for a bit now, on a couple other groups. I don't comment to often, but i thought I would on this thread. I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for almost 12 years. I am on round two of moving out. When we first met, the drinking wasn't that bad, manageable. Manageable enough to where I didn't even realize he was an alcoholic. We are a combined family, 2 his, 2 mine, 1 ours. ALL and I mean ALL of our children have suffered over the alcohol. My alcoholic is not physically abusive at all but emotional, mental, and verbal YES! All the children are older now, except our 8 year old. All are in their teens, and not one will tell you that they respect that man. Not one will tell you that they are happy around him. Over the years, the alcohol has effected his mind and feelings. Maybe take some time and do some research on the effects of alcohol, not only on him, but you. The rudeness you speak of, WILL get worse! Over the last 3 years, my alcoholic's mind frame has gotten worse. VERY VERY VERY negative. Nothing positive ever! I am technically still with him, and am having an extremely hard time letting go, I do love him very much. We have a child together, home, business, ect. He is a high functioning alcoholic, but over the years, he spends more time sitting in the garage drinking from late afternoon until late at night when he passes out, then he does helping me with our business. You know the old saying, sticks and stones may break by bones but names will never hurt me? Well the names and words do hurt. Even though you know its the drinking, it still hurts, A LOT! Some of the things I have been called and the way I have been spoken to would have most woman running for dear life. It's starts to make you feel like its all your fault, you start to go above and beyond your roll in the relationship just to keep the peace to keep him from getting upset or angry. You will walk on eggshell all the time. I tell my alcoholic that they aren't even eggs shells anymore, they are shards of glass on fire! You may end up feeling neglected from all the "norms" of a normal relationship, from support, love, appreciation, respect, ect. He will blame everyone and everything for the drinking. Over the last 3 years or so we have had a lot personal things going on, from family members passing to problems with his children and his ex wife. That made him drink even more. All has settled, a little bit but the drinking has not. His body is used to that large consumption (15-24) beers a night. Now even during sober hours, he can be horrible. And the negativity does not ever wear off. Now, all alcoholics are different but one thing that is the same is, it gradually gets worse if they do not stop. It WILL NEVER get better. I am just telling you one story, one of soooo many on here. I am in my early 40's and the thought of starting over makes me sick. I have left again and live in a little house with the kids, not far from him at all. The energy in our little house is calm, quiet, and peaceful not at all like the other house with him in it. Most relationships with alcoholics will not be healthy. Most of the time they are drinking to mask the pain of whatever it is that is bothering them. Mine I believe is suffering from depression, he has a fear of abandonment. I try to explain, why do think nobody wants to be around you? Listen to yourself, you put everyone and everything down. He doesn't get it. That great man is buried in there and it hurts like hell to see him in this condition. The pain to watch it is sometimes unbearable. But, he is the only one that can make that choice to stop. I have told him I will do anything to help when he is ready. I am sorry for such the long post, and not all alcoholic are this way, this is just my alcoholic. But I bet if you read some more posts you would see many similar stories. I just wanted to add another painful story to the list of loving and being with an alcoholic. I also am not trying to sound harsh or anything, but it is my truth and what my life has been like being with one. So before you decide to tie that knot with him, understand what you "could" be in for later down the road.

A true alcoholic will never get better, he will only get worse unless he makes a decision to change. My husband was the life of the party and I didn't pick up the warning signs that it was a problem before we got married. 20 years later I'm trying to find a way out. If you are going into your marriage knowing there is a problem, know that there will be sleepless nights, nights of arguing, times of denial, sexual dysfunction or needs that are not fulfilled, and most of all feeling like you eventually no longer have a partner or friend. If you love him and can't let him go (most of us are arguably in this situation) - loving the sober version and hating the drunk one of the person, know that there will be heartache.