Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and together for a total of 17. I have three adult children, 25, 23,21, with two still at home. My children are from my first marriage, we have no children together. His drinking has gotten progressively worse since marriage as well as what seems to be resentment, dishonesty, anger, and vindictiveness toward me. He is no longer the person I knew 11 years ago. This is our fourth separation with each time back starting out good and then back to the same shit again; staying after work and drinking with the guys just about every night, making hurtful statements, mood swings, and when confronted with his bullshit either giving me and the whole family, including anyone who might stop by, the silent treatment or cold shoulder, or rude remarks.
Each time he leaves he runs straight to his older sister's house (12 years older) in which they both grew up in an alcoholic family, and she allows him to be a victim who has been driven to drink by staying in a terrible marriage. She waits on him hand and foot, assists him in planning his divorce, and provides him with motherly comfort, which is very hurtful.
He left a little over two weeks ago because I told him he was a terrible husband when he talked of attending strip clubs in Las Vegas and came home with a coffee from "bottoms Up" a local coffee place that has young "girls" wearing g-strings and minimal breast coverage serving coffee, just more inappropriate behaviors for a married man,(I am seeing more and more of this) and just one more " FU". He quietly packed his bags without telling anyone and just simply didn't show up again. Our intimacy is 0, my choice, and seems to be my reluctance(and hurt) after being told that if he couldn't get it from me he would get it elsewhere.
I am trying to maintain my boundaries; minimal communication and am trying to work through being OK. Trying to not forget all of the hurtful behaviors and choices in our 17 years together.
He is ADHD , has low self-esteem, is dependent, passive aggressive, and is highly avoidant of confrontation.
I am a very in your face, fix the problem now, confront it an deal with it person, stubborn, and I must mention I am also clinical in my work with persons with co-occurring disorders, I know, which makes it even harder.
Each time he leaves he runs straight to his older sister's house (12 years older) in which they both grew up in an alcoholic family, and she allows him to be a victim who has been driven to drink by staying in a terrible marriage. She waits on him hand and foot, assists him in planning his divorce, and provides him with motherly comfort, which is very hurtful.
He left a little over two weeks ago because I told him he was a terrible husband when he talked of attending strip clubs in Las Vegas and came home with a coffee from "bottoms Up" a local coffee place that has young "girls" wearing g-strings and minimal breast coverage serving coffee, just more inappropriate behaviors for a married man,(I am seeing more and more of this) and just one more " FU". He quietly packed his bags without telling anyone and just simply didn't show up again. Our intimacy is 0, my choice, and seems to be my reluctance(and hurt) after being told that if he couldn't get it from me he would get it elsewhere.
I am trying to maintain my boundaries; minimal communication and am trying to work through being OK. Trying to not forget all of the hurtful behaviors and choices in our 17 years together.
He is ADHD , has low self-esteem, is dependent, passive aggressive, and is highly avoidant of confrontation.
I am a very in your face, fix the problem now, confront it an deal with it person, stubborn, and I must mention I am also clinical in my work with persons with co-occurring disorders, I know, which makes it even harder.
It sounds lukebyou are a very strong lady. And
Not making excuses is a good thing..
As far As romance I know what you mean it's hard to
Keep the fires burning your partner is constantly throwing
Ice water on your emotions.
I notice that you are a "fix it" kind of gal...good for you, but I'll caution you that you cannot fix your husband. There is an old saying that took me forever to figure out: you didn't cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it. It is very true and every time we try we bring chaos on ourselves.
The only thing we have control over is ourselves. Another saying that I'm trying to now live by is: if nothing changes then nothing changes. So, I'm doing the changing since I cannot change my husband.
Hugs...it is a long road to recovery for all of us. I hope you have a great support group!