It's a pattern you'll see repeated over and over in this forum, I assure you! Most of us end up feeling like the bad guy, wondering if we're overreacting, when in truth it's the drinker who is the problem. I'm always amazed when my husband can turn around my concern and make me feel like I'm nagging or being dramatic. They are very good at that role, a way to protect themselves from taking responsibility for their actions. It IS hurtful and sad, and while I know these guys don't MEAN to be awful, it appears that most of them are very capable of it. No easy answers here but certainly lots of shared experience!

SB is right. We are left to feel like we are the problem. I've spent the last year of my relationship trying to find every and any glimmer of hope that his drinking is not a problem. Unfortunately, I haven't found it yet. I've tried to rationalize it all away by trying to convince myself that because he's never raised his voice to me, he's never missed work, he doesn't drink in the morning or during the day, he isn't obnoxious, he isn't lazy, etc. etc. etc... that maybe it's not a problem. But the truth is, he sits in his garage every night and drinks almost a pint of scotch in about 2 hours before he goes to bed. That's a problem.

And yet, when I've tried to talk to him, it's ME that has the problem. He thinks I'm trying to change him and that if he quit drinking, I'd just find something else about him that needs changing. He thinks something must have happened in my past that causes me to be overly sensitive to his drinking. Truth is, I've never been around anyone - family, friends, partners - who drinks the way he does. And he's willing to walk away from our relationship because I'll never be ok with his "routine".

It's all so very sad. And more and more I felt like his mindset was f**king with my logic, and i had to step away before it completely took over.

I just cant believe after his drunk, idiotic behavior on Saturday night that I am the one being punished. Meanwhile I am the one who drove him home and drove him to get his truck the next morning. He will now go days without talking to me because that is what he does when he is upset. Yet he can be irresponsible and drink an entire bottle of rum in one night, but again I did "something" wrong.

That's a tough spot to be in. As much as I'd like to say next time let him figure out how to get home, I know it would eat at me that he'd probably get in his truck and drive home - putting innocent people at risk. And if you refused to drive him to get his truck the next day, that might only serve to further fuel his anger toward you.

I'm finding that dealing with a drinker is a lose/lose situation. Every time.

He has definitely driven after having too much to drink before, which was part of the reason I came to get him. I think the hardest thing I am dealing with is how it is easier for him to be mad at me than for him to be mad at himself and face his issues. I am the one who ends up suffering for days, feeling alone and helpless. When I picked him up I screamed at him for being to irresponsible and drinking so much. So now all he can do is focus on how much I embarrassed him in front of his friends, but who cares about how he embarrassed himself by being a drunk idiot that night. I feel so alone, even with him sitting on the same couch as me because we literally sit in silence until he feels like snapping out of it.

I've found that in many situations the old adage, "silence speaks volumes", works. Screaming and yelling never does. The next time he needs a ride home, go pick him up and don't say a word... not when you get there, not on the ride home, not later that night or the next day. Don't react at all. I'm not saying to ignore him, simply don't react to that situation. It's amazing how not doing anything at all works... and how good you'll feel about staying in control of YOU... because that's the only person you have control over.

I hear what you are saying... but then I feel like he is getting away with it without any repercussions.

I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but truth is, it gets worse. If he's driven while drunk before, it won't be long before he gets a DUI, or worse, injures or kills someone. Think long and hard about what kind of life you want. Alcohol never goes away, and you'll be surprised how much it becomes a factor in your life, and influences your decisions (i.e., "I don't feel like I can go off on a girls weekend cause I don't trust my AH to be sober and care for the kids."). It progresses to where we can't depend on them - and the person who vowed to love and take care of you is swallowed up by alcohol. The loneliness is unbearable. Don't bring children into this situation. It is more difficult to leave when kids are involved, and they deserve better.

I highly recommend reading "Empowered Recovery". It's written for US (the spouse of the alcoholic), and it will help you sort things out. I had so many "aha" moments while reading it.

I wish I had more upbeat advice for you.

Aral2003: Your reacting by yelling and screaming at him or showing him you're mad at him while he's drinking doesn't do you any good. It might feel like the right thing to do, but you're actually creating a bigger headache for yourself. If he's really drunk, he wouldn't even remember it, and an alcoholic cannot understand what YOUR problem is. What's wrong with drinking and getting drunk - everyone does it. It's called denial. We all know how you feel. Why can't they see they're the ones who are irresponsible, but they can't because it's, unfortunately, part of the addiction - any addiction.

My counselor also told me that by reacting and getting upset, yelling, saying nasty things when they are drunk or drinking is actually enabling the alcoholic. It now gives them vindication for their drinking. Sounded ironic to me - the drunk who's already drunk now feels justified in being drunk because his spouse has yelled at him. But oddly enough, that's how they think!

My AH is the same way. Even Sunday morning he approached me about doing something in the afternoon - having to do with getting something done around the house. I said I had not made any plans because I didn't know what condition he would be in. He asked me what I meant by that. I said, I can't commit to anything because I don't know if you'll be drunk or sober by this afternoon. He got mad at me and told me that I didn't need to get nasty and start in on him when all he did was ask a simple question. I said, "I'm not starting in on you. You asked the question and I'm stating a simple fact and being honest with you." But I'm the bad guy.

I've been getting the silent treatment since yesterday morning. He won't talk to me because he is pissed. I keep asking myself what I did wrong and blame myself for getting mad at him. This is so hard and my heart hurts so much.