No, they are not normal. And his behavior isn't either. If you go under the alcoholism board, you can find a link that takes you to some website where you can take a quiz to see if you are an alcoholic. See if you can find and answer the questions on what you think is true for your husband. May help answer your questions.

Hi Imommyh,
My AH used to be a happy drunk too, but alchoholizm is a progressive disease, and over the last 7 years, things have gotten really worse. He is now an agrey drunk and everytime he drinks, his personalities change to really a mean guy. I think your husband needs to get a help before it gets too late like mine. The amount of alchohol your husband takes seems to be a lot and is a warning sign. He has to realize he has an alchoholic problem and wants to get well, but unfortunately that is the very hard thing to do....

what im gathering from this is he is in denial......darn it!!! that one big hurdle to healing is entirely up to him..ok mine finally came around and said he has a major problem one is too many and a millions not enough with mine ,he can and i have seen him drink a quart of vodka in a hour along with a 12 pack of beer.You say he is a happy drunk but, im hearing that the dialouge is approaching on mean if he is always right and you are wrong.SluRRing words I hated that I always felt like saying o my god if you could hear yourself!!!!!!!.OK, this is kinda harsh but kids learn what they live he is indeed an alcoholic in denial....good news is you are not rely on us for some really heartfelt advice.....truly all we want is to help cuz we have all suffered and been deeply affected by the alcoholics we love or loved ....time to get on the healing path.........big hug

You feel exactly like I have over the years! You could be describing my stbxah. He never came to bed with me but passed out on couch, then woke up at 2 or 3 am to start drinking again. Everything was always someone elses fault. They become angry and argumentative. I know about being second to a beer can. My counselor told me that when you put anything before god then spouse it is infidelity. Trust me... The effects of his behavior are damaging to you and your children. There will be lasting negative impacts on all of you in that situation. Think about what they are learning.. How to be a man? What marriage looks like? What is normal and acceptable behavior? What to look for in their own life?

He is in denial as my stbxah was. He would drink 18+ beers a night and tell me I'm the only one that has a problem with his drinking. Leave it alone and it wouldn't be a problem. It is a progressive disease and it will continue to get worse. His behavior is not normal. He will not stop or get help until he realizes there is a problem. Bad news is that you CANT make him realize this. He has to on his own. What you can do is focus on you. Don't let this behavior control you. Do not allow yourself to be his doormat. Stand up for yourself. Fight for a better life for you and your children. You deserve better than the walking on eggshells while carrying the weight of the world life that being married to an AH becomes.

Take care of yourself. Get some counseling. Be proactive not reactive. Read about the disease. Give him information about the disease. Talk seriously with him about how you are feeling, what you worries are, what you need for yourself and your children. Don't make empty threats. Be prepared for a battle. Stay strong. Always do what is best for you and your children.

Sorry you had to find us but this is an excellent place to vent and get advice. There are some very wise ladies here at varying stages in life with AH. We're here for you!

Hi Imommyh,
I am in the exact same place as you are. My AH drinks over 1.5 L of wine a night and sometimes more. Ive questioned if he is truly an alcoholic, (as he isnt a violent, out-of-control drunk and the emotional abuse is minimal - like thats a good excuse!) but after doing some research and talking to people, I believe he is. Ive often felt like the alcohol is his mistress. I am often ignored and criticized and made to feel Im not "good enough". Or at least he feeds on my insecurity. I dont think he realizes he's drunk. Other than that, he seems to be a "functioning" alcoholic. When I brought up to him that I dont like the amount hes drinking, that's when he started hiding the bottles. When I first brought it up, he was in denial, but recently he's agreed to see a therapist, but no action. I know he just says it to shut me up. Its all about control for him.

The advice on this forum is excellent. Take care of yourself and start to examine your relationship and your AHs actions from an "outsider" perspective. Question everything and just observe his behavior - you will discover a lot you had overlooked. In the meantime, take care of yourself, talk to a therapist or trusted friend and gather more information on alcoholism and wives of alcoholics. We are here if you need us.

And you need to realize that an alcoholic will be functional for a long, long time. My ex's dad was a functional alcoholic his entire life until he passed away at 64 yrs old. I had always thought that my ex would remain a functional alcoholic and had accepted that was the relationship that I had committed to and I would live with it. But my ex started getting more and more out of control. Was a gradual change for about 7 yrs. I contributed it to the stress of just everyday life in a marriage, the changes of raising teenagers, etc. I always made up excuses. But then economy went down, he lost his job, then lost his mother about 1 yr later. There was no turning back at that point. He because a non-functional alcoholic. And I doubt he will ever be a functional alcoholic again, but that is what my ex is striving for. He doesn't realize no turning back, or at least that's my opinion.

Oh my goodness I had no idea I had these responses til now. I just updated my file to email me when I get replies to a topic... am new to this still. Thank you all for responding! As I can see and know I'm not alone in this battle. He knows he has a drinking problem as far as drinking too much but won't admit he has a PROBLEM as in the effects the alcohol is putting in our lives. He says he will drink every other night now, but of course he will drink 1 and it leads to 10 more on the nights when he's trying to slow down or not drink at all. He says he drinks because he can't sleep. He's slept just fine for the past 23 years. He started drinking more after his Father passed away and I think he's using the alcohol as a security blanket but getting worse as time goes by and drinking waaaayyyy more! I just don't see how drinking alone can be fun. I do not drink at home with him so he drinks all by himself. Why do alcoholics drink alone and enjoy it? Not does it just cause marital problems but also health problems for him. I have asked others their opinions that are close to us and they agree he does drink ALOT! He's a big guy so I know he can consume more alcohol than others before it starts to affect him, but he drinks it like water, one after another. I know he will not go to a counselor because even when I mention his drinking he gets a little upset about the conversation. I think he knows and feels guilty for his drinking but turns it on me by saying it only bothers me and no one else. Is that what alcoholics normally do I guess - the denial part...

When my AH and I argue, he always says, "What am I doing now?" meaning he is not drunk and not doing anything wrong. He also says I am the only one who has problems with him, not anyone else. Yeah, all of his friends are alcoholics, only my AH is the worst. Imommyh, they don't enjoy drinking by themselves. They have urge to drink since it is one of the mental diseases. They just can't stop drinking not because it's fun, but their brain tells them to do so. Basically they are consumed and possessed by alcohol.

My AH told me last week that he can never be happy with me because I try to change him. He wants to be what he wants to be.. He said he is tired of pretending being someone else when he doesn't drink (like only for 2 weeks), and he is boiling and angry inside because he is so unhappy being with me. So after 20 years of marriage, I am leaving. I really want to leave for me. I am almost 49 years old with a good job, but not so good health. I am so scared of being alone, and my finance situation - especially our daughter will be starting a college in 1.5 years. But if he is so unhappy being with me and he makes me miserable, what's the point of sticking around? I realized there is NO HOPE for my AH to recover. He has been out drinking for over two weeks straight and came home only two nights in the last 8 nights. If he is not the biggest loser, who else could be?

puffster; yes, it is a scary proposition to think of being alone...BUT, who says you have to be alone, just cause you're single? You can get involved in all sorts of community and social things. When the AH is not around to drag you down, you will have the energy to explore and get out around some new and healthy people!

well put peg, I have actually yearned for time alone these days it is horrible too me waiting for someone too stop doing something HE CANT DRINK Period!!!!!....some guys can handle it I know he wont stop he has relapsaed 100 times meanwhile What! ? I wait and wait for an outcome I have no control over ..I need stability in my life I would love too have my own place.I stay here cuz I cant afford too move....I do love him still but not in the same way as when we first got together.......lost alot of respect

A few thoughts to share.

If you are wondering if your spouse might be an alcoholic, then he is. Non-alcoholic drinking does not raise this kind of concern.

Secondly, regardless of what he says, you did not cause it. This is one of the alcoholics favorite defenses, "The devil made me do it." The devil can be anyone or anything but most often it is you, the spouse.

Third, and this might sound harsh, do not waste your time trying to "figure him out." There really is no mystery here--he drinks because he is an alcoholic and he will continue to drink until he decides not to. This will be true in spite of your best efforts to placate him, remove stress from his life, do whatever his most recent request is, whatever. His compulsion to drink is internal, not external.

Fourth, what is best for the family is best for the alcoholic. In other words, put the needs of you and your kids first and do whatever you must do to satisfy those needs. The alcoholic will protest because he wants alcohol to be first.

Fifth, take all of that energy that you are wasting on the alcoholic and reinvest it in yourself. Take care of your own health, finances, personal goals, friendships, appearance, mental attitude, spirituality, etc. He will continue to drink regardless of what you do or dont do, so save yourself. Good luck ladies.

well said chukarfan. To the point and right on. I'm so glad we have this place to look for support and advice. Your five points are good reminders for all of us!

chukarfan, Id love to print that out and keep it with me as a reminder. Like many women here I find myself swinging back and forth between my "old ways" and detachment. And like lori47, I used to make excuses for his drinking, since he has been a drinker since we met. After a few years, I realized it was him, it has always been him and it will always be him until he decides to stop. We can change the scenery with a move to another part of the country, but he will always be miserable no matter where he is.

Please dont take this the wrong way puffster, but I am happy for you. Every time I open my mouth to tell my AH that I am unhappy with our marriage and the drinking, he says he wants a divorce. The first time he said it, I was stunned. Now Im mustering up the courage to call his bluff. And Im happy for you for calling your AH's bluff! You know d@mn well his alcoholism is not your fault. He is the loser, because he is losing you. I know you are scared to be alone, but do you want to stick around for another 10 years and be 59 before you leave him? Dont worry about your daughter and college - there is plenty of need-based aid out there and Pell grants (if you are in the States), and scholarships. I worked through college and it made me work harder in class to keep my grades up. Now its your turn to go out and do all the things youve wanted to do but never did because of him. You will meet new and interesting people and I firmly believe that the right person comes into your life just when you need it.

Lmommyh, Ive found the most helpful thing for me to do is keep a journal. Write down how you are feeling, your reactions and thoughts to his drinking, and the good and bad things he does. For so many years, Ive dismissed how hes treated me and now to go back and read my journal entries even in the last few months, I can lift the cloud of "marital bliss" and see the real state of my marriage.

cantsay13... I have written things down and does help to get the feelings out on paper. When I tell him what he's doing wrong when he's drinking he always brings up the things he does right in defense of himself. It's true he does alot of good things but does that mean it's supposed to make up for the hurt he's caused emotionally? I'm not a high maintenance woman so he really does not have to do much for me but he does offer to take me out or buy things. He knows when he's done wrong and tries to make up for it which sometimes makes me even madder because I know he knows what he's doing but still does it. Do some of y'all notice that your AH has a loss of memory or very indecisive about things and changes mind alot?