Hi everyone! Nice to 'meet' you.  Although it would be nicer to meet all of you around a swimming pool in Bali.  ;) 

However.  We're here. At least we are not alone?

My dad is an alcoholic and has been sober for around 30 years. When getting married I really looked for a guy who did not drink.  At all. And I found him in 2002!  I felt like I'd won the lottery.

Then...  he started drinking.  Always hiding it.  And he did a pretty "good" job of it for a long time.  But the last 6 years it's been a lot more apparent.  And I let him know that drinking is not ok with me.  Even if it's only a couple a few times a week.  (He does not handle it well.  And is on meds that make the affects worse.)  He's always just brushed me off and complained of me trying to control him.  (Although one honest moment ONCE he did admit to having an addiction.  But never since.)

Last year things got really ugly and we almost separated. He was abusive. I got help, and we were able to keep the marriage together and we've been really happy the last several months.  He's wonderful sober.  

Till I catch him drinking again.  He's not abusive anymore, but I go into PTSD mode and have a hard time dealing with it.  I wish I didn't have to police him, but it is his responsiblity is to pick up our older child from evening lessons, and she admitted that she knows he'd been drinking when he picked her up.  (I'm home with our little one in the evenings.)

And when we were pursuing a separation, I made a couple of trips to the courthouse and this issue came up.  And I've been designated the "protective parent" and if he ever gets caught with alcohol in his system with a child in the car, then I will be held responsible.  So I'm always on guard when it's time for him to pick up our older child.  I've started doing it myself when I've been suspicious.  And my daughter said that she knows when he's "off" and promises she will refuse to get in the car with him.  

Anyway, he knows that this has been reported and he's furious that I 'stabbed him in the back'.  But too bad for him.  You do something stupid, there are consequences. 

My first question is this: I could just take over all driving in the evenings.  But is that not enabling him to shirk a responsibility in favour of stay home and drinking?  My daughter's safety is most important.  So yeah.  I guess I answered that question myself. I just don't want to give him more space to be stupid and have him think - "Great, I don't have to pick up A, so I can just "relax"."

Any insight on that would be useful.

Also, I know it's largely beyond my control, but is what the hell do I do to make things better not worse?  I'm a pretty strong and capable person.  But in this area of my life I feel so defeated.  And pathetic.  I rarely mention his drinking anymore - as arguing did not help, but I make sure he knows that I know he's doing it again.  (ie, I'll put his empties in plain view.) Is this a bad idea?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  It probably doesn't even make sense.  :( 

Wishing you all health, safety and healing.