Hello, I have to admit, I've been "stalking" this group for a few weeks, reading to see if I belonged or if this would be the appropriate place for me to get support. Every time I read through the posts, from day one, I tear up and sometimes just all out have a good cry. It's like reading the story of my own life in many ways, and I am amazed that so many people out there are living with the same feelings that I am. I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years, together about 10. The two kids who live with us are my children who I had in my first marriage. My daughter is 14 and in high school now, my son is 11 and in middle school. Red flags have been in our relationship since day one. Which is why I feel most guilty. I should've, could've seen this all coming. But in the beginning, we were younger and I foolishly thought those weekends of us going out together, or him consuming too much beer at a wedding or other party was just "normal." I kept thinking that as he gets older, he'll outgrow it as I did. I kept thinking that as a married man with two stepchildren and who is now in his mid-40's will just naturally start to prioritize his life. I mean, after all, what normal person chooses drinking over a loving wife and a wonderful family and a very GOOD life? Well, as I've now learned from my own experience and this board--LOTS of people. I have always had a hard time trying to label him. After all, a normal day (work day Mon-Fri), he will have 1-3 beers after work at night while dinner is cooking or afterwards. He can then go many days with no drinks at all. Over the years, I have gotten to understand and uncover all the lies he's told me. I used to run from them and not want to admit them to myself, and I definitely didn't want to confront him about them. He gets so angry when he's drinking, and says just awful hurtful things. When he's drinking and I confront him, he automatically defaults to, "well, leave then," or "then go find a perfect husband" or "I love you so much but I can't do this anymore, where you try to control me and tell me what to do" or just outright lies to me and tell me he has not been drinking so then he has the right to be mad at ME and can act badly, because after all, I accused him of wrong doing and he did no such thing (in his mind). There are way too many stories to even tell, and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have thousands of examples of days that went from good to horrible in 2 seconds, dates that have been ruined by his drinking, embarrassing explanations about his drinking, leaving a wedding reception or my own bday party hours earlier than anyone else because he's too drunk, missing family function due to his drinking, fights, my kids confusion over his "weird" behavior or why he's "sleeping" on the couch at 6 PM snoring and can't wake up, crying, hopelessness...all of it. I used to think it didn't matter what he did or how bad it got, I would be able to love him out of it. I could save us. I could make our marriage better. I could get him to love me and our life enough that he'd want to snap out of it. If he walked out on me for a few hours or the night, or in a recent situation where he walked out for 6 days, I would beg him to come back. He had ruined my life and I was miserable without him, and I just wanted my "family" back, no matter how dysfunctional. I still feel so small and pathetic for this:(. My kids and I both deserve so much better, so I still wonder why on earth I would do that instead of take that as my chance to be rid of him and live a healthier, happy life? I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and I know he is an alcoholic. He has only recently admitted to me "of course I have a drinking problem! But it's not like I shake when I don't drink, and you know I can do days without a drink." Ok, so he is right. But the fact is, his drinking has impacted his life and his marriage, and he keeps doing the same things and telling the same lies--so it is a problem. I am going to my first al-anon meeting this week. I have started praying throughout the day instead of just at night. I have been way more forthright with him and confronting him when I think/know he's lying. I need to learn how to be okay with myself when he goes into this pattern. For him, it's the hours between work and coming home. He lies to me, tells me he comes straight home even though I can smell the alcohol. I started checking on him by just driving by his work a few times a week when he says he's still working. He was not there. I caught him doing this for months. He has finally admitted he just "needs to stop for a beer to unwind before coming home". Even though he got a DUI 5 years ago and his job/license depends on it, he still does it. If he gets another ticket, he loses his job, his license and goes to jail. All he says when I bring this up is, "I won't get a ticket." The other times are like today. It's his day off from work, and if I ask what he's up to or what his plans are for the day, he'll tell me he has errands to run. Errands that would take you or I about 30-60 minutes. This will supposedly take him like 4 hours. I won't hear from him during this time. I will get home from work at 4:30 p.m., and I will be able to tell you from the minute I get home that he's been drinking. I need to know what to do and how to act when this happens. I normally get angrey, internalize, ignore him, and go hide in my room and read. He tries to act normal, and I feel so stupid that he thinks I"m that naive. I'm sorry, this is a lot. I'm just trying to figure things out for myself. How can he not drink for days, but can't stop if it means his marriage and his job and his life? How can he be so cruel and act like he doesn't even care for our marriage when he's drinking? How do I get him to get help? So many questions, so little time. and all I feel is that I'm 38, my life is slipping past, and I'm wasting it in this state of constant worry, stress, and sadness. Thanks for listening.