Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I have been (re)married to my husband for 1 year. We have a 23 month old son, I have 4 children from the ages of 21-14 from my previous marriage (19 years to a major depression, personality disordered childhood "sweetheart). I KNEW my husband was an alcoholic, been through multiple cycles of "quitting", I have drank with him (I don't get "drunk"), I have NOT drank with him, I have been (on his request) "in control" of his drinking...etc. etc. A few weeks ago I feel he SNAPPED. He was very angry, verbally cruel (never seen that), frankly just acted like he hated me. The only logical explanation after a lot of reading and soul searching that I could come up with is that the alcohol is starting to affect his brain. He is a binge drinker. He drinks occasionally, but when he does, it is until he passes out. Or blacks out. He will drink a large bottle of tequila plus some in one evening. I have decided to quit "enabling", let him suffer any consequences WHEN he drinks again, and try to "get on" with my life. There is more....but this is a start. I desperately need people to talk to, I am a 41 yr old, online college student and stay at home mom. I am isolated (we also live in a VERY small town 45 min from ANYTHING. I hope to find "kindred spirits" here. (Sorry, I was an Anne of Green Gables fan :)
Changeforbetter101
I feel the same about my ah! I think it has affected his brain. He got very nasty and I felt he hated me too! In actuality I think they hate themselves and you are the lucky one who gets to deal with it. My ah would do stupid shit just to spite me. Why? Then he doesn't want me to feel wanted at all. Why? I can't understand it because I really am a good person and a good wife. All I can deduce is that they are depressed and in their own sick mind, the only way to make themselves feel better is to convince themselves that you are the problem. I am sorry about what you are going through. It sucks! Funny how they have the problem but you are the one suffering...
karensue73
I've read so much lately that I feel I am getting a better grasp at "understanding" that when he is petty, controlling, critical or seems to be picking fights, it's really all about pointing out my (or the kids) "problems" to keep from thinking about or admitting to his own. What still confuses me is trying to figure out the pattern from drunk (he is a melancholy, "sweet" drunk) to hungover, to "sober" but snarky, to "sober" and almost normal. I'm sure after a few cycles with my new knowledge it will start to make more sense :( The crazy, seemingly "snapped" episode would have begun in a hungover/snarky faze the last time. If THAT version of my AH shows up again, I will have to start escalating my "getting my life together" plan, because THAT is a person I can't love nor live with. Is anyone else here dealing with binge drinking that goes 2-3 weeks sometimes between "drunks"? Does anyone have insight into how the disease progresses when they drink like this?
11Christmases
Karensue, I'd be interested to know what you read that was helpful. I have tried hard to understand why my AH would pick fights all the time. Someone told me once that they need that chemical reaction they get in their brain from fighting. My AH would start up every day right after work, then start drinking. I wondered if he physically needed the "high" he got from the fighting and then drinking to calm himself down. Crazy, isn't it? So someone told me that, and I found it interesting, but never found any research on it. Putting everyone else down to build himself up, makes sense, but then why couldn't he stop when I warned him that I'd had enough? That's why I think there's an addictive aspect to it.
karensue73
11Christmases, I've read SO many in the last few weeks, I'm not sure I can remember which ones have been the most helpful to me, but here they are: "How to Live with an Alcoholic and Still Enjoy your Life", "Marriage on the Rocks", "If You Loved Me You'd Stop: What You Really Need to Know When Your Loved One Drinks too Much", "Getting Them Sober, Vol One", "Secrets to Helping the Alcoholic in Your LIfe...", "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" (this one isn't "for" alcohol problems, but it helped me see MY part in our other issues, and seems like it could help a lot of people), I just downloaded "Games Alcoholics Play", but haven't started it yet. One thing they all seem to have in common is STOP ENABLING and LIVE YOUR LIFE (regardless the drama). So those two things are my focus right now. I am also reading "The New Codependency" (jury still out), because I KNOW I have codependency issues (and did before AH from the first husband). Maybe they DO get a high from fighting, Lord knows mine is always finding something to pick about!
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