Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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boymom19
boymom19

Hello,


I am new here. My husband is an alcoholic but is in severe denial about it. i have tried to talk to him, but to no avail. That is what prompted me into finding a support group. 


He has been drinking very heavily for most of his life, I just didnt see the signs when we first got together. I even started drinking more and more myself, and then it hit me that there was a definate problem.  I decided that it was time to sober up and let that part of me go, which wasn't the easiest but i managed to do it. He said that he would stop drinking as well because i had foundout that we were finally expecting our double rainbow baby. that was two years ago and he still hasnt stopped. he has gotten worse. 


he drinks daily up to 20 hard seltzers a day. and he binge drinks every weekend. i am often left with the task of taking care of our children alone because he is usually drinking or sleeping. 


the other night he got so upset with me because he thought i put the bottles that he cleaned back into the dirty dishes pile. he got so infuriated that he threw an empty can and it hit our 17 month old in the back of the head. the baby was fine, baby didnt even really notice, but thats not the point. what if it wasn't an empty can? what if he had been hurt? my husband told me to get over it because he didn't mean to hit him with the can. i'm still furious over this.


i also noticed about a year an a half ago that after he drinks his body gives off this disgusting odor. i must tell you that he is a clean freak germaphobe that showers twice a day.  He never smelled bad before then. I am worried because I have heard that once that odor starts that it means the liver is starting to show signs of distress. I have told him this and he shrugs it off. I'm very scared that i am going to be a widow by the time i am 40.. his drinking is extremely excessive, and he makes very poor choices when he does it. 


i am truly at a loss of what i should do at this point. the stress of recently having a c section, his drinking, and our child's health problems are starting to make a negative impact on me. my hair is literally falling out!! i can't sleep!! i have no desire to be intimate with my husband whatsoever because he is always drinking.  ugh... i don't know what to do.. he won't get help.. i have no one willing to help plan an intervention with because they all know it won't matter to him.  never have i felt so hopelessly alone.

jms7229
jms7229
Hello boy mom... I’m glad you found this group, it’s nice to have a “ safe place “ to come to. I hear what you are saying and have been living with an alcoholic husband for 38 mind bending years. It’s a hard life, trying to be the wife of an addict. Now here comes the psycho- babble I’ve learned from my years in therapy and support groups: detach! Place none of your emotions onto his behaviors, his demons are his own to work on or not. Establish strong boundaries around what behaviors you will not tolerate ( but remember that you cannot control him only your own response to him. )
Do not engage or confront when he is drinking. ( I’m terrible at this one but all I end up doing is escalating an already negative situation).
For me the above looks like this- I try to simply be civil. I try to just remove myself from the room or place he is in. I ask for and expect nothing.
Focus on yourself and tour children. Keep them and yourself safe. Find joy and fun when ever possible.
Try alanon ( not my thing but it helps some). There are some really great resources on you tube and podcasts.
Read The Alcohol Husband Primer, by Wren Waters.
And if you have the audible app listen to the book Recovery by Russell Brand..
( I know this is long, sorry )
Over the years I’ve grown weary of trying to fix my AH, and being the glue that holds everything together.
So if you have the audible app listen to You Are a Goddess by Sophie Bashford.
I’m here, I’m listening, I send you my best.
loublue22
loublue22
Great advice, jms7229! Detach. Expect nothing. Avoid. Live your own life the best you can. Unfortunately, we can’t change our AHs, only they can do it themselves. So do something for YOURSELF - detach and find some relief in that mental cycle we’re all in. Virtual hugs!
boymom19
boymom19
Thank you ladies!!! I have definitely detached myself from my emotions but I need to stop getting so upset when he drinks... when he is home it’s either drinking or sleeping.. I can never really have a conversation with him because when we talk he forgets everything and then insists we didn’t talk about it .. and the smell.. have you experienced this with your AHs? Thank you for hearing me!! Thank you for the hugs! ❤️
kiki72
kiki72
Exit strategy ,..sit down ,make a plan,..plan where to start, and start staying away after he's had so many,..eventually he is gonna beat on you,and when you forgive him ,hell do it again and again,..watch his behaviour ,there are certain repeatitive things ,behaviours ect,...I'm telling you ,it was hard for me to accept that my love doesn't love me when he's drunk and when he's not drunk he's not thinking of me ,he can't, he's thinking of being drunk ,it will be a life long process to learn for me to let go of the anger ,and feel compassion for him, he has ridiculed me for everything I do better ,or am good at that makes him feel guilty for being a drunken prick ,including being a god mom,..it's not going to change until something changes...and I mean something big ,a counselor once told me ," WHY SHOULD HE QUIT ??YOU SHIELD HIM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES AND THE TRUTH...and that means it's party time all the time, cause it costs him nothing ,".. I have tried threatening to leave , that's an empty control technique,..and now it doesn't affect , him at all, what effects him ACTION ,I am doing everything I can to get well, and he knows it's a matter of time ,.
but even if he got his crap together it seems to me it's too late .I want peace in my home ,with in a practical amount . While he's here in this state ,that'll never happen ..so let the pieces fall where they may, I have turned it over to a higher power and it will be as it should ,I do my best to live my best most aware and enlightened life, and he can like it or lump it ..I am all I can control
boymom19
boymom19
Wow .. thank you for the advice! And I’m sorry you are going through this.. do you really think all alcoholics beat their spouses though? I truly hope you are wrong!! Sending you hugs and prayers girl!
Alex265
Alex265
Boy mom yes these ladies always give the best advise! Detach and exit plan is your best option. Save yourself from losing years of headaches, if hes fallen too deep down the hole hes probably not going to come out especially at this phase if hes still in denial. If he does come to his senses and admits of his alcoholism..you will be dealing with years of relapse and dissappointment. Being paranoid if hes out drinking or buying alcohol. It's just not a quality life to have. I had to learn that the hard way. I emotionally detached myself from mine. I am now figuring out an exit plan. I'm financially dependent on him so I'm in the process of building myself and kids to live on our own. I'm sorry you're going through this but this support group did help me and hope it helps you too..as far as the smell..then only smell I notice from my AH is stale alcohol. It's in his pores...so he can step freshly out the shower and will still smell of alcohol. Its gross..he was always big on his hygiene as well. As a mother also I just try my very best to shield the kids from this. You dont want them being too exposed of his behavior. Just like one of the ladies said...make sure you set an absolute boundary..let him know that you know hes going to drink but these are the absolute things you will not tolerate. For me it was drinking in front of the kids or being drunk in front of the kids...which is why he waits until everyone is sleep to start his binge. Prayers and love sent to you and your family
boymom19
boymom19
i've asked him not to drink in front of the kids but he does it anyway.. he won't respect any boundaries i make... i sometimes wish i could i write him a letter letting him know how i feel.. but i know in my heart it won't matter. i can't make him love me or our children more.. you ladies are all amazing and give great advice! thank you
2Irish
2Irish
i read a book from the library and it defined the 'categories' of alcoholics. the ones who fall down drunk may have a chance at recovery IF they admit it. the ones who see their behavior change and notice the chaos and destruction they cause may admit it and seek help. the ones who do not see they have a problem, do not think of themselves as a fall down drunk just because they hold down a job will NEVER admit they have a problem.
My HFA (high functioning alcoholic husband) is in this category. He will never see or admit that we are in credit card debt due to his drinking. we do not have autorepair money for our 20 year old cars because of his drinking. we do not have money for home fixes such as electrical issues or water heater replacement because of his drinking. he does not see that there is no money in the bank to go see the children and grand children because of his drinking. he has no idea of the thousands of dollars consumed. this is the life of a spouse of an alcoholic.
You mentioned in a fit of anger a can hit the baby and baby was fine but what was his reaction....shock, sadness, remorse? if the behavior did not even yield a response, i agree with the other women....exit strategy.