Let me start by saying I'm not married, in a committed long term relationship and just desperately need advice, support, the listening ear of people who know what I’m talking about and going through. My boyfriend is a drunk. I met him when I was 18, he was 38. Now about to be 25 and 45. We've been together for six years now. When we met he'd been in a bad car accident, he had a torn acl and bad burns on his feet that had turned into a raging staph infection that nearly killed him. He'd had to move in with his parents, his dad was abusive and had raped him as a child. My parents were both abusive alcoholics and kicked me out shortly after he and I started dating. I moved in with him and we started trying to fix our lives. But it seemed like one set back after another. My mom stabbed my dad after a psychotic episode and they both spent some time in jail, my car broke down, I filed my taxes wrong and somehow managed to end up having to pay back a $4,000 pelgrant. His dad died and his mom nearly lost her house, we decided to stay and help and he started drinking heavily. He'd had a drug problem when he was about 20, we were going through hell, I was drinking too, doing the college kid thing. I thought if I stuck it out thinking that things would change. Flash forward, we've been together for six years, we have a 2 year old, four dogs, two cats and he's a raging, functioning alcoholic. He works a lot, he won't let me get a job because no one is good enough to watch our child. But we still need extra money. My disabled parents pay me for in home care, I clean and cook and give them rides. He accuses me of defrauding the state because I don't do everything to the letter of the law (caring for them seperately) which is a valid claim. He's cruel and condescending and aggressive when he's drunk. I sometimes fight back and he gets violent. Grabs me and shakes me, chokes me and threatens my life. When I try to leave he won't let me take the car that's in both of our names or our child. He tries to let our animals escape and tells me he'll burn all of my things that I can't come back. That he'll take me to court and get full custody, that I'll never see my daughter again. I can't leave but I can't live like this anymore. I’m so miserable, I have nothing and no one and I’m so completely guilt ridden that I grew up this way and now I’ve done it to my own child. I feel like such and idiot and I’m not myself anymore. I’m angry and depressed and I’m tired all the time. I think even if I left and everything somehow magically worked out in court to where he didn’t have any custody that I would still feel this way. I’d still have no where to go, no money, no car, animals and a baby with a broken home. He doesn't listen when he’s sober and he doesn’t care, he justifies everything with my dependence but won’t let me work. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is knowing that I’m all my child has. But I sometimes wonder if she wouldn’t be better off, I clearly make terrible decisions and maybe it would snap him out of it.  I’m just so completely miserable, and I’m just as alone as I’ve ever been. I can’t stop thinking that I ruined my daughter’s life before it ever even started and so what's the difference? If I kill myself I don’t honestly think it would change much. She’s already going to resent me, I should know. I just hate myself and this world and him so much and I don’t know what to do anymore.