I'm right there with you. The one person you thought you could always count on hurts you in ways you never thought possible. I hate my life. I think about leaving every day. Then I think if I do will he end up even worse and how to I deal with that. Maybe that's not even my issue.

I completely understand! I battle with it every day. I want to leave, I need to leave but if I leave he has no one, if I leave he ends up homeless, if I leave he ends up dead.
Is that my fault? No
Is that my problem? No
Will he end up dying? Probably
Will it torture me everyday? Yes
Will my conscious let me leave? No
Is that half the reason he "picked" me? More than likely
So many questions I go round and round with.
I said once the reason alcoholics pick people like us is because we care, if we didn't we would be out like a shot and alcoholics need 'carer's they need people like us to pick up the pieces and give a sh*t when everyone else walks away.
My sober husband I love but the alcoholic demon I despise.

I know the feeling, I dont know how I even lasted this long with my AH. It disgust me to look in the mirror and not realize I'm causing harm to myself and family by staying with him. We have so much love and deserve love in return. True love and a normal life. This life isnt a normal life. I always envy friends that do normal everyday things with their husbands like going out to a cocktail party and enjoying friends and drinks. Now I cant even stand alcohol thanks to my AH