Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

1,099 Members
2,716 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Wives of Alcoholics Support Group

Need Help With "The Blaming Game"

Chapelle
Chapelle
Its been about 60 days since my AH stopped drinking. We have been out on occasion, and he has been doing really well. But last night we went out for dinner with another couple, and he was at this steakhouse for 7 hrs by the time I got there. This is bc he was having client meetings all day. He was tired, stressed, and only drinking Seltzer. He was DYING for a glass of wine. So what does he do, he says "can tonight be an exception, can I have a glass of wine tonight?" I knew he would do this eventually, and I responded "I am not the one to give you approval, you are", so he looked at me and rolled his eyes and started getting mad, and I shut him down fast. I said, "don't you do this tonight!" and he backed off and was ok. I don't want this to happen again. I want to talk to him about it, but what's the best approach? I think in the back of his mind he is blaming me for taking a huge pleasure away from him. But he just can't see the fact that drinking was making him lose me. He is the one who decided to stop drinking, but he knows I would have continued to give him hell if he didn't. So yes, I am sort of responsible for stopping him, but he chose to so that we can fix our marriage. He stopped drinking bc to quote him "it was killing me, it was getting worse by the day, and it was preventing us from being husband and wife". Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
bonblue
bonblue
You did the right thing . It is his choice what if you were not there.
kouza
kouza
You cannot control if he drinks and you cannot control if he does. I have gone through the same thing with my AH and when I start to feel like he is blaming me for his issues around drinking I just detach and take care of myself. He needs to deal with his feelings around his drinking or not drinking on his own - nothing I say or don't say is going to help. I have found that when I do try to talk to him about the situation I am all of a sudden the bad guy and trying to control him so I find it best to not address the situation at all unless he brings it up first. I know it's really hard not to talk to him about things and a lot of people think that this tactic gives the alcoholic permission to do whatever he likes but the truth is the alcoholic is going to do whatever he wants regardless of what we say. Sometimes talking to them about it is just one more reminder of what they see as a shortcoming and failure on their part. I would say that if your husband is regularly working on his recovery leave it alone. He knows what he needs to do and if it's important enough to him he will do it. Take care of yourself and your own recovery and let him worry about his. The more you focus on recovery for yourself the better you will both get.

Something I did do that has helped immensely is to set ground rules. The biggest on being that if my AH is drinking I will not be around or participate. I do not drink with him or around him and I will not be in the same room if he makes the decision to have a drink. I know it may sound harsh but it has really helped.
Chapelle
Chapelle
kouza - thank you! I guess it just bothers me that in his mind he is doing this no alcohol thing because of me. I just feel like I have to clear that up. I don't want him to ask permission again and put me on the spot when we are out. do you still suggest I keep quiet until the next issue? I appreciate your input, thank you!
NovScorp
NovScorp
You did the right thing..What if he asked you for permission and you had said yes?.Now he can blame you!! Beacuse he drank..Its about his decision to drink not yours. My AH knows if he decides to drink its all on him..And he will suffer the consequences of his actions.If one wants to kill themselves you really cant stop them.