I'm sorry, that is despicable of him to blame his addiction on you and your children.

Hi missingmysoulmate,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just want to make sure -- you do know that you are in no way responsible for his choice to drink, right? Unless you have him strapped down and pour booze down his throat, you couldn't possibly be why he drinks. He chooses to drink because of something inside of him that is dysfunctional. He would be this same dysfunctional person if he were with anyone, literally anyone. He is choosing to blame you because he doesn't have the emotional equipment to take a deep look at himself. That is not to excuse him, because many of us have had hard times in our lives which have damaged us, and yet we don't choose to drink in order to cope with life. I think it's "textbook" to accuse family members as at fault for the drinking.

He also is miserable in who he is, and wants to spread the misery around. It is so easy to get sucked into their blame-game, as we hear it in their actions and in their words every single day. He will continue blaming you and the kids as long as he is active in his addiction and fails to work on his own demons. As long as he is not working on his addiction or his emotional issues any promises that he makes can't be kept. (My AH promised, absolutely promised, he would not lie any more. Not two days later I caught him in another really big lie. The only promise I think he can make is that he will continue to drink and be emotionally irresponsible.)

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and a prayer.

Sending hugs as well. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault at all.

Hi missingmysoulmate, So sorry, trust me it's not ur fault. I let my AH put all the blame on me for 30 years, I'm still there but i'm trying so hard to get ME back. I've been with this man my entire adult life and it scares the crap out of me thinking that I can't make it on my own. Keep ur head up. Sending hugs and prayers.

It drives me nuts when my AH shifts blame to me or my children for his actions...I call him out on it as soon as he does it and make sure that my kids know they are not at fault. He always apologizes and says he is trying to change...13 years later he is still in it. I finally distanced myself from him and am trying to find myself...what I like and what not. I spent so many years feeling bad, like I was doing something wrong, doing all I could to help him in hopes for his healing. But now I am over it, I am choosing to try to have my own life, even though he still lives here b/c we have 3 kids. I don't know if it is bad that I stay married, but there is no way I would want to share custody with him. I start therapy in a week to help me set boundaries with consequences for him.

Hello everyone thanx so much for ur replies ive had such a rough couple days hes so mean always screaming at me and the kids i ferl horrible for them i keep praying things will change but idk how much more i can take im currently taking anti depressive and anti anxiety meds becuz of him its gotton so bad that i cant even leave my kids alone with him we spend atleast 3 nights a week away from our home its so sad i just wish i could put him in rehab or something! I feel like if he dies it will be my fault

Hello Missingmysoulmate,

Sadly, it is unlikely that your husband will tackle his drinking problem until he hits some sort of rock bottom.

Your last sentence: “I feel like if he dies it will be my fault” is where you can begin to change your thinking. It is very important for you to realize that none of this is your fault. As an alcoholic, your husband is obsessed with alcohol and will ALWAYS find a reason to drink, until such time as that obsession is removed.

If separation is not an option then you need to learn how to distance yourself from your husband’s alcoholism. It will not be easy but try to stop picking up the pieces or clearing up his mess. He will of course blame you even more and probably use that as an excuse to drink but you need to stay strong and committed to what you believe is right. Put the responsibility for his drinking back to your husband and step back even when he is making mistakes or getting into trouble.

Al-Anon is a good place to learn how to detach with love.