Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hello all,
I have been married to my husband for over 20 years. There were red flags but as a young, immature girl, I did not really understand that a weekend boozing may turn into years long addiction for my husband. I went through all the emotions, and situations I see in each and every post. My husband drinks his beer on the weekends. Fridays through Sundays. He is functioning perfectly during the week and overcompensates by being an excellent dad, holds down a good job. We both are accomplished career wise and bring a very good steady income. I could leave from the logistical perspective of financial stability etc. However as we know, two combined incomes are just so much easier while raising three kids, saving on their college accounts etc. We also just moved to another state, bought a brand new house, building a pool. From the outside, all looks good. Kids are happy, well adjusted. Have all the "toys", good parents, life's good. But I have very little of a relationship with my husband aside from "co parenting" and my anxiety shoots thru the roof on the weekends. He chooses his beer and doesn't stop at few (he starts at 6-7 pm and drinks till drunk).Always at home and then goes to sleep. Does not think it is a problem because kids are taken care of, etc. He just said that my anxiety over his drinking is my problem since he just does his own thing. Never agressive, just goes to sleep as if I wasn't around. I do not drink. I had lots of support from my family back home but in this new state, I don't even have girlfriends yet to go out with. I also do not like to leave kids with him on the weekend evenings since I know he will be tipsy and fall asleep. God forbid a child wakes up, he would be incapble of attending to the child. This has been going on for 20 years and our kids are 13,11,5. They think he is amazing. I do not pick up fights much so that the kids don't get affected. At which point, do you "involve" the kids in conversations? I do not want them to think this weekend drinking till you are drunk is normal. I also do not want to unnecessarily cause anxiety when they barely see him drunk (evening drinker). I really would like to get them to college age before leaving (if things don't get worse). My husband said he will never hit the rock bottom and want to change because he does not feel it affects the children and he doesn't do anything dangerous to compromise their safety. I am joining a local al anon, but wanted to see if anyone here has a perspective on whether the kids end up ok either way and if you involve in "education" on what is right, what is wrong, etc. Thank you!
My situation is similar but quite different- I'm in the process of getting divorced from my alcoholic husband. Thankfully, like you, I had the means to leave. Mine is unemployed and drinks until he's blackout drunk. He's never been physically aggressive but, he is a mean, mean drunk. He's used my anxiety about his drinking against me time and again- saying that if I wouldn't be so anxious all the time he wouldn't drink. Ironically, I was so anxious all the time because he was drunk! He did put us in danger- not on purpose mind you- passed out while he was cooking which was the final straw where I hired a lawyer to end this marriage and moved out.
I look at it like this- kids are not stupid. They sense when something is not normal. A big thing for me with my son was that- like you- I didn't want him growing up believing that this was the norm. I didn't want him to think that drinking until your blackout drunk was okay because dad does it and mom stays around so clearly she's okay with it. I didn't want my child to think that there's something wrong with him when he was older and my husband started belittling him which I'm sure would have happened. So, I chose to leave to put my child into a home where he was safe and loved and to set the example that his father's behavior was NOT okay and I was NOT going to allow it.
I know at some point my son is going to have questions. My take on this is I'm not going to lie to my child but, I need to be aware of his age and that this is his father we are talking about when he gets to a point of asking these questions. I additionally need to be aware that addiction carries a genetic component and my kiddo needs to have a firm grasp that he's at a high risk- that, unlike his friends who may very well be able to get drunk one night and then not drink until the next party or whenever? My son may be like me and be able to have a drink now and then and stop at 1 or 2 and then not have one for sometimes years or he could be like his father and any alcohol turns into drinking until he's blackout drunk.
So I guess this is the long way of saying that I believe that children, particularly of alcoholics, should be educated about addiction. I don't know about your teens schools but, this was at least taught to some degree in school when I was pretty young all the way up through high school where it got a bit more detailed.
Alateen might be something to consider should your teenagers want to go- maybe just something to suggest and then let be if they choose not to go. One way or another- they're teens- I find it extremely difficult to believe they are not seeing this behavior in their dad and having reactions to it even if they are not vocalizing it.
As for your 5-year-old? He/she might be getting to the point where the start of a 5-year-old geered dialogue about what's going on would not be inappropriate.
This is just my 2 cents as a fellow parent with a child whose father is an alcoholic- believe me, I'm not child expert or addiction expert and where my head is at as I'm sorting through the very same questions concerning what my child may experience/ feel/ think as he grows up navigating the world with an alcoholic parent.
Whether you stay with your husband or not is up to you- I truly didn't intend to pressure you that way in telling my story and sharing my thoughts. I don't know how helpful they are as I'm trying to answer the same questions and my child is still very young but, your post jumped out at me as being very much asking the same questions I am wrestling with.
All the best, raising kids with an alcoholic partner is SO hard! *hugs*
There are no secrets in families. Our kids learn how to be in life by watching us. No parent is perfect though. Humans make mistakes. You may become the bad guy for enabling the drinking by the kids. There is no telling. My friend blames her alcoholic father plus she blames her mother for not doing more to protect the kids. I got twisted up in wanting to be the "good parent" and protect my kids from reality but this is an illusion of control. My adult kids all know NOW what their dad is and most of them ignore it or pretend and one maybe drinks - not totally sure. I hid his drug abuse and told one woman friend who later told her kids who told my kids. Sheesh, she backstabbed me. So they were ashamed and mad at him and mad at me! Both parents often get blamed by the kids for the one parent drinking too much. They think we should have stopped the alcoholic or whatever.
Your husband is not going to change until he decides to change so helping him hide it only removes consequences and those consequences are the catalyst to change. The one that has to change is you by changing how you handle things, how you think, the shame and guilt within us being dealt with. Al Anon helped me so much. You can read their pamphlets on their website. So You Love an Alcoholic helped me a lot, one of their older pamphlets. There will be no perfect from all of this and we can't create a perfect happy family with no problems even if he wasn't drinking.
You can not leave your kids with the husband while he is drinking, and if you divorce you will need proof he is always drunk and should not have shared custody. So it is a realistic fear that if you divorce and he has custody, the kids will suffer or even drink with him at his house. My alcoholic relative started giving her kids alcohol when they were around 17 and now they all drink with this relative. So like I said, I waited thinking I could control what goes on in my house. I didn't want to have my kids suffer at his house on weekends and I didn't realize I could have possibly proved he was an unfit parent while high or drunk. This is a fight that won't be easy but a good divorce attorney needs to advise you.
I think you have to accept that you simply can't leave the kids with husband when he is drinking and this is one price to pay for staying. He may start to drink more and make bad financial decisions. Know you want the house and the pool and college accounts and this is okay to want. But staying means putting up with and accepting he drinks and being honest with the kids. You have to create a separate social life for yourself from him. This is the trade-off for staying so accept and stop resenting it as best you can if you want to stay. Talk to a good divorce attorney so you know the laws and don't let him get you guys into huge debt. We have to stop being focused on wanting them to stop drinking and watching and waiting them and then having that anxiety. Accept that this is how the marriage is and he isn't going to change. His emotional problems within him make him drink and this is how he copes. Stop talking to him about his drinking and stop helping him when he is drunk and be honest with your kids. Kind but honest. Daddy drank too much and has fallen asleep on the couch instead of walking him up and walking him to bed. Let him sleep where he lies. Let him buy his own beer or whatever. I didn't do this and it was my mistake as my shame and guilt controlled me.
Our kids learn by watching us. Alcoholism is also genetic. But how we cope in life is what our kids are watching and learning from. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes. So you can't really make life perfect for your kids. You can't make up for their father's being drunk on the weekends. It is what it is. I do know people who put up with the drinking and choose to stay married. You are not wrong for wanting to live life how you want to live life. But you can only be honest with your kids and teach them the tenets of Al Anon and take them to Al Ateen with you. Believe me, they already know daddy drinks and is different on the weekends.
The real problem with staying married is our financial ties to the alcoholic. Should he drive drunk and kill someone, our finances may go towards his actions. In my state, it is called a community property state so half of all monies earned in the marriage go to each partner in the divorce. Including 401Ks or IRAs, etc. Be careful of getting into debt with him as you may end up paying it all off should you divorce. An attorney can tell you what the laws of your state are. I wish you the best. I didn't know so much early on in my life.