Counselling has helped me see myself in a clearer light.  I reached the point where I became more important to me.  The emotional cost of staying with him had finally exceeded the financial cost of leaving him.  I was making my arrangements to leave him.  I opened up my own bank account, I sent an email to a lawyer to make an appointment, I downloaded our financial statements, I was starting to look for a place to live.  I chose 1 Feb 2017 as the date when I would take the plunge.  Not sure what or how it happened but on the morning of 22 Nov, we were talking after a bad night, he asked what next and I told him that I was leaving him.  Talk about hitting him with a ton of bricks.  He was gobsmacked.  He had no idea.  He was scared!!! 

Many months ago I had given him a list of agencies that he could ask help from.  He threw that paper back into my face.  I gave him one phone number this time and told him if he wanted to talk to someone call them and left for work.  I told my boss that I was leaving my husband and contacted a lawyer.  I felt strangely a peace with myself.  Needless to say, my mind was not on work that day.  I also called my counselllor and got my next appointment moved up.  When I got home that night he told me that he had an appointment to see a counsellor the next day.  We talked a lot that evening.  I moved downstairs.  We were separating.  I told him that I could no longer live with the status-quo.  I did not know what I wanted but I knew what I did not want.  I did not want the same old song and dance.  Things had to change this time.

Over the next 2 days we talked about our separation, I wrote up an agreement to give us both ground rules.  I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings, where I was in my head.  I told him that I would stop and wait until he catches up with me in terms of his examining his feelings.  He saw a counsellor.  He realises that I am serious about change and that if it does not happen, I am gone.

I saw my counsellor.  She told me about "Life Traps" and I figured out the main one for me (love the internet and on-line questionnaires).  I am working on my emotional state and taking care of my needs.  I am also working on letting him know what the boundairies are now.  Over 20 years and I let him get away with totally unacceptable behaviours (angry outbrusts, temper tamtrums, name calling, etc...) and would do almost anything to "keep the peace".  He now knows that the way he has treated me in the past is no longer acceptable to me.  That I deserve to be treated with the same respect that he would give to anyone else.  No more of me putting up with his angry outbursts or temper tantrums.  I will no longer put my feeling aside and agree with him to "keep the peace". 

He is now in anger management counselling.  He realises that his anger is exaberating when he drinks.  He has cut down on his drinking(although we will see for how long and by how much).  I don't think he likes the new me.  He is no longer the "King Baby" in the house.  I am no longer the "nice wife" who will do or say whatever it takes to keep him in his comfort zone.  I still have a few appointments left with my counsellor, but at least now I have identified what I need to work on right now.  A good start for me.

We are talking more now that ever.  I am no longer walking on eggshells, although he says he is.  He thinks that if he says or does something wrong I will leave him.  I told him that I was making a "life style change" much like I did when I changed my way of eating 2 years ago and lost a lot of weight.  I still have a lot of mental work to do on me, but I now have identified what I need to work on. 

He has a choice, much like he did when I changed my eating habits.  He chose not to change and is still complaining about his weight.  He has a choice to make now.  He has a long way to go and needs to put in the effort.  But it is his effort, to work on himself.  I can't do it for him.  About walking on eggshells, I told him that we would both relapse and that it is to be expected, talked about, worked on forgiven and we would move on.  The important thing was that we (at least I am) are working on changing our/my habits to ingrain new ways into our/my life styles.  I will move forward with or without him.

I had to remind him yesterday that it was only 3 weeks ago that I told him I was leaving him and that we still needed to do a lot of work to rebuild to the point where we could be "married" once again.  I was hurt very deeply and needed time to heal.  I need time to see if he will change for real.

Will we be together in 6 months?  I don't know.  I refuse to speculate on the outcome.  I live today and work on me today.  I remind myself of where my weaknesses are, what I need to work on and how I am changing my attitude, my actions and my life.  I will not sacrifice me to him.  I want a marriage were we are equals, where both of our needs are met, where we treat each other with respect, where we are friends.  If it is right to continue my life with him great, if it not... oh well I will be poorer financially.

Is he scared?  Damn right he is.  Am I scared, not any more, I have made the mental journey and am facing my demons.  We both have a lot to loose if we don't make changes, but we both have a lot more to gain if we do.  No matter what we have to make changes.

Thank you all for listening to me.