I'm new to this group.  In a nutshell, my husband and I will be married 41 years this month.  He drank in the beginning of our marriage (actually started drinking at 14, but socially) and not to the point it was a problem until we were married 8 years and had two toddlers.  I ended up giving him an ultimatum.  I told him I would not raise our girls with his (degree of) drinking (beer).  He quit for the rest of their growing up years.  A few years later, he started having a glass or two of wine if we were out to dinner, etc.  I didn't have a problem with that.  About 6 years ago, though, he started secretly drinking straight alcohol.  I found out about it when he had a brain bleed 4 years ago (thankfully no lasting effects).  His blood alcohol at the hospital was 0.264. Legal in Michigan (driving) is 0.08.  This was at noon on a Sunday.  He had been working in the yard and making trips to Home Depot. Evidently, he was buying those little bottles of Jagermeister and downing them on each trip.  I felt hurt and lost.  He promised to stop drinking and go to AA.  Four weeks later, he was drinking again. At that point, I was devastated.  He read a book that looked at alcoholism in a holistic way, and said he needed a therapist.  He also saw his primary care doc and told him about his drinking.  He was going to meetings and got a sponsor.  

Since then, he has had relapses fairly regularly, 3 or 4 times a year (that I knew of).  A year ago, we got legal guardianship of our 5-year-old grandson.  He had been sober for (?) 6 months or so.  I told him it was absolutely necessary that he remain sober if we were to take our grandson.  He did for about 9 months.  When I learned he was drinking again (about 2 months ago), I was devastated again.  He had had our grandson in the car and was drinking while driving!  

He is what AA calls a "high-bottom drunk."  He's never gotten a DUI, never lost a job, lost his family, or had any major repercussions from his drinking, and I don't even know when he's drinking.  I can't smell it on him like I could the beer.  He doesn't get sloppy or mean.

I ended up going to his therapy session with him.  He recommitted to stop drinking, never drive with our grandson in the car while drinking again, etc., etc.  I believed he was dead serious and understood how doing that endangered our grandson's life, and that he would never do it again... but he did... about 3 weeks ago.  I was distraught for days.  I have never actually been angry in my life, but I was soooo angry I hurt my own brain.  I could hardly function for almost a week.  I didn't go to his therapy appointment with him last week, I was so broken.  This week (yesterday), I did.  I fell apart, but shared how this has nearly destroyed me.  His therapist suggested Antabuse, and my husband agreed to take it.  He took his first ones today.  He has to take them from me, even though I fear he will come to resent that... he can't trust himself, and I certainly can't trust him to take it.  We both know how sick he'll get if he drinks while on Antabuse.  

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, even though I love him dearly.  I understand how insidiious alcoholism is.  I fully realize he is alcoholic.  While I've considered making a plan to take our grandson and make a new life if he drinks again, it would be devastating to our grandson.  My husband is a wonderful Grandpa!  Our younger daughter and the rest of our grandchildren would have a hard time understanding it, too.  (Our older daughter is now herself an alcoholic, and that's why we have her oldest son.  Her sister has her youngest two children.  Long story for another day.)  Our 5-y/o GS is so happy being here with us.  He came from a very neglectful situation.  He's been with us a year on the 15th.  He is not just surviving, but thriving.  He loves us both and loves being here.  I can't really think about if I had to take him... if my husband just can't control his drinking.

Mostly, I just needed to get all of this out.  I also want to ask if anyone has experience with their spouse/significant other being on Antabuse.  It seems there are a lot of products and foods with alcohol in them, and I don't want him to accidentally ingest some, get sick, and quit taking this drug until he gets his mind right about drinking.  

Thank you for taking the time to read all this.  I look forward to your responses.  Blessings to us all!