Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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cleung 02/22/2019

I just dropped off my husband to rehab today. No contact for two weeks, and will be there for three months. This is his second time, but our family circumstances were very different back then. Last time, I was still capable to sustain financially. I had a good job. I was still in 'good spirit' so to speak. I was still a confident young woman who thought we can conquer the world. I still somewhat had my health and career then. Fast forward a bit over a decade. Do you see my thumbnail picture, my happy boy? He is no longer with us. My health had deteriorated over the years. I have lost my career. We lost our house, our possessions, all our insurances lapsed, car repo, all our savings gone, everything in the storage were auctioned by the storage company, and we have an eviction notice to pay rent or move out in 6 days. This is not the first time we face homelessness. I have my own depression to deal with, and obviously, I haven't been able to pick myself up which I am still trying hard to do.

It is a prayer answered that he decided he needed help a few days ago. I stop blaming anyone for anything for a long long time. Call it practicing stoic, or practicing faith and virtue. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism. There is an assumption that we blame the alcoholic for everything. They do damage, that's right.

There is a lot to blame. I could blame my dysfunctional parents' upbringing, causes me to choose a 'wrong' mate (I still don't think he is the 'wrong' one). I could blame my chronic pain illness. I could blame the incident that causes my inability to find another job.

I know what my friends and family blame me for, after all, it is my own fault and my own choosing that leads me to my own dismay. I am irresponsible and a loser, unable to pick myself up and became a 'go-getter'. It is my own fault to 'let' my husband to 'enable' him to drink and behave the way he did. It is my own fault not to leave him. It is my own fault for not being able to pay my bills and my debts.

I am so used to this dysfunctional way of life with my husband. Now he is away, and the day turns into night, and I am scared. I don't know what I am scared about. Unlike I haven't been alone before.

The rehab is on a farm in a remote area. When I dropped him off, I am scared it is a cult. Perhaps I am scared of what's come next.

APieceOfMyHeart 02/22/2019

That is a LOT to be going through! I can't imagine if I wasn't able to see my husband for 2 weeks when he went to rehab! Dump everything else on top of it, I'd be terrified in your situation. Thankfully, where my husband went, I was able to see him the following evening- I needed it- I did an intervention in him and I spent the next 24 hours so scared that he was angry at me and that we were going to break up I could barely function. I can't imagine anyone NOT being scared when their husband goes to rehab, even in the best of other circumstances. There's so much unknown in that all by itself- how is he doing? how is he feeling? what's the program like? will it "stick"? Will he stay? Is he working the program or just going through the motions? For me, one of the hardest adjustments was being alone. Like you, it wasn't like it was the first time I was alone but, it was a very different type of alone- it was so filled with unknowns. I also am in awe of women who manage these really, really long programs- the rehab my husband went to is designed to be brief, I don't know how I would have gotten through a long stay! And, nonetheless- I struggled like crazy with it, the only thing that helped was being able to go up and see him every day and see that he was still alive, in good spirits, and that the program was really working for him.

It sounds like your support system is not very supportive and for that I am SO sorry- the LAST thing you need right now is to be shamed for your situation. I got really lucky there and found 2 people in my life who were amazing in their ability to suspend judgement of me and support me through the difficult time of my husband being away. Is there anyone in your life with this capacity? Right now, emotional support? So important!

I really, really hope something comes together for you in terms of housing. With the inability to talk to your husband on top of everything else? I'd be terrified. I wish i had some suggestions on this- maybe someone else here does? I really hope you find somewhere to go or end up working something out so that you can stay!!

If you're able, maybe researching the facility a little bit would put your fears that it's a cult a bit more at ease- I had a lot of fears myself about where my husband went and found that doing a bit of research on it helped ease things up a little bit.

You have so much on your plate, I can't even imagine how scared you must feel! I really hope that things turn a new, brighter, corner for you very, very soon! And I hope for a more stable future for you and your sober husband!

Thinking of you *hugs*

cleung 02/23/2019

Thank you for your kind words. It's hard to find someone who understands.

Like your husband, the first time he went to rehab was only two weeks. I was able to go visit every night after work. After that he was sober for almost three years, can you believe it! He went to AA for a few months but then he stopped. I wasn't celebrating, because he took up something else. Just replace one substance with a bunch of different ones. He was engrossed in PC gaming and smoke more weed on top of his regular cigarettes. That was better than him drinking though. At least I didn't find myself worrying about him burning down the house because he dozes off and forgot he was making food. I didn't have to worry about him trashing the place, give the dog stuff he shouldn't be giving, or eat something he shouldn't be eating, or wander out the street without even knowing where he went or what he did. There was no leaving him with the step-daughter at home when she was young. But then life's never easy, seems that shit always happens. We lost our house, moved into a tiny rental apartment and he started drinking again.

This time is different. I worry about one day I woke up and would found him dead because of a heart attack or something.

I wish I have better support. It's time like this we found out who is real friends and whos not. To be fair, I don't expect them to give any support, they don't know what they have never experienced. I do attend church, but I am just keeping private.

A community service counselor is coming to visit next week, let see how it goes.

You are right. Maybe I am paranoid. I research on the rehab, it is legit. Government funded and the counselors' credentials are also legitimate. I just don't understand why they need to be in a commune resides in remote farmland with yoga and meditation, etc. I am paranoid, what happened if he believes in some cult after this, and decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What happened if he doesn't come back? Is he alive? Is he in danger with a bunch of strangers on a farm? Why no visitation for 2 weeks? It is all so strange to me.

2Irish 02/23/2019

is this counselor able to answer the questions you have.
praying this person is a positive and stable being you can find understanding.
breathe in love - breathe in peace - breathe in and let yourself stop thinking.

cleung 02/25/2019

He did answer my questions, but then I didn't dare to ask "is it a cult"! LOL . I spoke to an outside counselor and another health care professional who works in a cancer center in the hospital. Both know the place and told me they are good and they only heard good things about them.
Thanks for little meditation, I need it for myself.

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