What is the biggest thing we all wish for? For our AH to stop drinking and get sober. Oh how great life would be if he didn't drink anymore. He would be a better husband, father, friend, etc. THEN our lives will improve. 

Then Prince Charming appears, the man of your dreams, the man you fell in love with.But all you see is a grey, sickly old man with a stomach that is so distented, it looks like he is carrying triplets. His eyes are angry and sad. Alcohol has ravaged his body and mind. He is constantly complaining and in pain of some sort. He yells a lot. He yells at the puppy and the big dog, he yells at me (unforgiveable), he throws out smartass underhanded comments meant to push my buttons. Even pushing the buttons he learned from my very abusive father whom I have recently gone NO CONTACT WITH. 

No longer can I put up with his behavior by using "he's just drunk." excuse anymore. He is SOBER, he feels and sees EVERYTHING. With my father I had to put up with it, but as an adult and TONS of therapy, I know who I am now and will never let someone treat me like that. So I clap back and then it's ON BABY! We have fought more these past few months more than we did in our whole 32 year marriage.

I went from having the house to myself. He would be in bed or in the kitchen at his computer, drunk, every night. I never realized how good I had it. He wasn't there emotionally and physically and after many years I accepted his behavior, stopped wiping his drunk ass and just lived my life ALONE for the first time ever. 

Now he is awake, he is aware, and HE IS GETTING  IN MY WAY. He will go to the store and buy food only for him and nothinig for me. He refers to food as HIS or MY. My father did this. If I complain, he will go OH HERE WE GO, I AM NOT YOUR DAD! and I will say he is acting just like my dad and he blows me off like I mean nothing. 

Now, he mostly sleeps in the living room and I must tip toe to not wake him up because he will start yelling or just saying FUCK FUCK FUCK over and over. I lived this, with my father. As a child I couldn't just open the fridge and get out a pop or snack without my father saying that is HIS STUFF, don't touch. MY AH is doing the same thing, even down to what popcicle flavor I take. The dogs sleep in my bed which is the best part of my life, but I do need to feed them in the kitchen and let them out through the day. OH, HUBBY HATES THIS. 

Oh and if any of you want to tell me, "well, he is newly sober, give him time to heal and remember he is very sick." Oh I get that very well since I must be his nurse. I have always been his nurse, but I was in love with him then, I don't love him anymore so babying him and taking care of him has become a chore. MY RESENTMENT GROWS.

We often wonder why we married drunks. A lot of people say we were attracted to what we knew, so we married a man who is like our main abuser. I thought I dodged that bullet but no. What hurts is when I tell him what he is doing at that moment, he won't try to listen, he rolls his eyes and says HERE WE GO AGAIN. Does that sound like having a discussion with an adult or a toddler baby man?

With his mood swings, yelling, stupidity, hard-head, is just about all I can  handle and I seriously wish he would go back to drinking. Never thought I would say this, but it's true. It's like living your life without a babysitter and then in one day, at 51 years old, I suddenly have this babysitter who watches what I do, what I say, hordes food and money (those I found, hehe). The kicker is, when asked, he is happy in our marriage. Before, when I would want him to spend time with me, NO WAY, he had drinking to do in the kitchen and I was left alone. EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS. I got used to it, hell, even got to like it. It's better for him to be in bed then in the living room where I cannot hide. You read that right my friends, HIDE. I have had to use the skills that kept my out of trouble growing up with a monster and a mother who NEVER stepped in to stop the abuse even though she witnessed it all. Oh, she would rock me to sleep while I cried my eyes out. On other occassions, it would be ME comforting her and rocking her when SHE cried when I was elementary school. An 8 year old kid should not parent the parent!!!! 

When I was a kid, my father used to force us to watch TV with him. Not shows we liked, shows he liked. Here are some examples my father would force us to watch at little kids:

Lots and lots of pornography video tape (he also had dirty magazines all over the house and in the bathroom.

Bruce Lee movies, GOD I JUST CANNOT!!!

Hockey Games - I still hate hockey

Oh and if porn wasn't on the TV, he would let me and my brother watch cartoons while he suckled my mothers bare breasts and tell us kids to watch. The word "ta tas" for boobs is ruined for me forever.

Latley I can't wait to leave his prescence. NOW he wants me at his beck and call and gets really pissed that I don't come running. I tell him why (he is behaving like my dad and I go back go flight or fight) and gets very angry and starts to yell at me and he wonders why I don't want to spend time with him.

Any one else have the same problem? The AH got sober out of necessity, not of drive, and became someone you wouldn't even DATE if you just met that.

I don't care what anyone says, doctors, shrinks, AA, I no longer want to be his nurse anymore. After a yelling round, out of the blue he will say "I love you". THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT, you just want me to wipe your ass, pick up your pills, cook you low sodium food, etc. I still do those things for him because I am not a monster.