Oh my goodness I wish I had an answer for you. (I hope you dont mind me jumping in, I'm new here).. I know exactly what you are going through and I've tried to make my AH accountable for his actions the night before and it's never worked.

I've actually given up trying to discuss "matters from the prior evening" as when I try to, he gets angry and defensive and these words actually come out of his mouth: "Clearly you have some sort of mental problem because I did not say or do that... Obviously /you/ made this all up!"

And if I say I told him something and he says I didn't? I get the classic response: "See, I told you that you have memory and mental issues - you didn't say that at all to me - you must have just said it in your head and forgotten."

Ugh.. so as far as advice on how to have a conversation with someone, I'm waiting too to hear if anyone has had any success. Even last night my AH pulled a few stunts and I called him on them this morning and he said I must have been imagining things. (Yes, him slamming the door and stomping up and down the stairs being in an angry mood, must have surely been something I wanted to imagine!) Frown!

I'm at the end of days for our relationship. He knows I want a divorce, but we are still cohabitating right now. As he has come to realizations of things he should have done better over the years, and come to understand all I have been through with the kids and him, he is now realizing how he messed up. But, now it is too late for the things he is doing, to make any difference in our relationship status. Too little, too late. This is stuff he is going to have to live with the rest of his life.
I had gotten to a point a long time ago, where I stopped trying to make him see how he was affecting our family, with little to no change. It doesn't seem to matter if they aren't aware of the harm they are doing, or seem to care enough to make a change.

Hi Snowwy, well at least I know I'm not alone. I could even read what you've said and that'd be enough to support that this is yet another symptom
of his disease.

Otherwise, it's like I'm living on another planet and I'm trying to get back to planet earth. My AH also says that I am the one with the mental issue! So the disease is quite a battle with the mind and we are always in the crossfire.

Bluesprite72 I'm sorry that it has come to that. I agree that they do have to care about their behavior if it's going to make a difference or not.

I wish you all the best in your new beginning. You are free of the burden this disease can be and you can find joy in someone else.

For what it's worth.... I have taken pictures of him at his drunken worst and have videoed his insane attempts at drunken communication. We have been married 35 years, the last ten a nightmare. Finally last Spring I had enough..... in my mind I was no longer responsible to or for him and I tolerated no bullshit. In a rare sober moment, he tried to make me the blame blah blah.....I took out my phone and showed him the pictures and videos. I texted them to him so he could " own " them. He was just horrified!!!! Been sober 5 months.
Who knows what will happen next. I remain skeptical and keep my emotional distance.
I send my heart and support.

Jms7229, thanks for that encouraging story. It sounds like it made a real difference.

Relapses suck but we can't deny the effort and the overall change it makes in their thinking.

Best wishes.

I use the journal feature of DS to track my AH's drunken episodes. I set each entry to private so no one else can read them. After he was jailed for three days (2 -- 3 years ago) he promised to quit. 30 days later he had relapsed. He has been "quitting" and relapsing ever since. About a year ago I printed the journal entries out along with a calendar with the drunken days marked and gave it to him. I think it helped him see how bad the problem is and he renewed his efforts. Unfortunately he still relapses.

I mainly keep my journal entries for myself -- if I divorce him I have what he has done documented.

I don't bother talking that much to my AH about what he has done. He doesn't remember and doesn't believe it. When I handed him the pages of documentation I think it might have had more of an impact.

They hurt us so much with their drinking and they have no idea.

I've resorted to filming, but trying to show him only makes it worse. Even discussing it brings out anger. I get accused of "attacking him" because his alcohol abuse is an easy target. I've concluded that mine has issues that go beyond the alcohol. I was cleaning a few months ago and found journals he had written 8-9 years ago during his first rehab stay. I read the first page and stopped....those words could have been written yesterday and they would still hold true. He will never learn.

Exjerseygirl2 journaling is a new approach. I will keep that in mind.

Stints of sobriety are not the outcome we are looking for, but they are better then nothing at all.

AMarie if he's still in the same place that is discouraging. I've been with mine 10 years plus and he is made the slowest my agonizing progress possible. Looking back, he is a different person now. Yet still not totally where he needs to be. It's a hella of journey.

I have been journaling for years now. It was suggested to me by a therapist. I find it especially helpful in keeping sane. Especially when I review the frequency of relapses and the usually short periods of sobriety. My Prince Charming is a master manipulator and in the past I have fallen for his mind games..... my journals remind me of the truth!
Oh and btw.... last week I commented on this very post about taking pictures of my wasted man. Oh Lord in Heaven !!!! He has a "man cold" and went to the doctor to get antibiotics, well came home with a z-pack and # 180 clonopin ( tranquilizers )
Well ..... that ends the 5 month sober streak. And let me tell you this : passed out with his hand in the Doritos bag and chips drooling out of his mouth would be quite a photo op.
PS my journals are not private, feel free to read them..... but I have to warn you I am very sarcastic.

Jms7229 oh no! Sorry to hear that. It sounds like even a cold can trigger the need to self medicate.

I learn so much here.