I've been married for 3 1/2 years. Before getting married I knew my husband drank every day but he kept it in check. We actually used to socialize and do things with others. We had fun together doing things outside of just staying home. I realized in the first year what a problem his drinking was. Over time things have become very lonely. I don't socialize like I used to. I don't like having friends come over because I am embarrassed at how he acts once he's feeling good after a number of beers. I've gotten tired of begging him to do social things with others or just having a date night for us. He drinks after work with friends at a friends house and is home during at least one day on the weekend. He even goes to church with me and we spend Sunday's together. (Yeah, I get one day a week) I felt stuck and kept thinking that things would get better. We had discussed having kids and he has even mentioned multiple times we should start trying. I realize that it wouldn't be a very healthy environment for kids and I don't want to be a single mom. It's one of the things I dreamed my whole life of being a mom. My AH isn't abusive and really doesn't abuse me with words but I feel like I am wasting my life by catering to him or just feeling too sad to set my own social agenda. My AH holds a job but has changed jobs 3 times since we've married. He feels like he is working below his abilities and deserves a higher paying job with hours that suit him so he can hang out with his friends after work. I went over a year ago to a lawyer just for a consultation. I left there and convinced myself I should be where I am and I betrayed him by seeing a lawyer. I've also given threats of me leaving although I never have. I make more money and pay most of the bills and don't think it's fair to me to leave our home that I keep up. I have friends who I've told I was done so many times and then I don't do anything. I have held on to hope for many months and really over the course of most of our marriage. I've heard of people who are alcoholics that now have health problems and keep thinking about how I will live in this lonely marriage and then have to take care of him because of his health in our later years. I do love my husband and it kills me what he is doing to himself as well as our relationship, but I am at the point of being done. I had a lot of guilt about it and finally decided after a long period of feeling so bad about leaving that I would sit down with him and tell him how I felt. I told him I loved him and would support him in any way I could. (He does admit he has a problem, but doesn't feel he needs to get help or doesn't want to depending on the day). I also told him I wasn't going to live like this and I wanted for him to know so if things didn't change he wouldn't be surprised when I filed for divorce. That was 2 months ago and nothing has changed. I finally met with a lawyer and have signed papers. He doesn't know yet and I question everyday if this is the right thing. It feels so yucky. I'm waiting to hear when the court hearing will be then he will be served. We get along fine, especially since I have stopped arguing about things. He's happy because I don't say anything. It hurts like nothing else ever and it's a horrible feeling. My heart is broken but I know that I deserve to be happy and have peace. I don't want to fight or argue. I'm not out to ruin him or take everything. I just know he's going to go crazy when he finds out. I know it's not final and if he chooses to make a change, we have a year, but I am going to insist on the separation because I have been told so many times before the "things are going to change" and "I'm going to prove to you what a good husband I am going to be." "You deserve to be treated better" I would love any support anyone can be who has possibly gone through with filing and going through with things. It feels good to be able to write this out and hoping to have someone to understand completely. Someone to understand that despite how we are treated or neglected by our husbands we still love them and feel loyal and guilty about our decisions. I'm tired of having a 3rd party in our marriage, "Bid Light" is their name. I can't compete. I do have a great support system but no one can understand the twisted crazy relationship one has when someone in the relationship is an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me vent. I have been looking at the posts of this group for a long time and finally decided to join. Thank you all for sharing your stories.