Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
This is my first post. I've recently taken steps to help myself by going to Alanon meetings and scheduled counseling sessions for myself, since in marriage counseling, all he wants to talk about are my problems.
We've been married just 14 months and although his drinking was a concern for me before we married, I never realized it was a real problem until I started finding bottles hidden throughout the house, he's not been working for 4 months now and even when I threatened with leaving (did a few times but came back) he still can't seem to get it under control. It almost seems like we've even gone backward.
When this first came to light and I stopped making excuses and hiding it from family, his family got involved and he was able to admit (although I don't think he believed it) that he is an alcoholic, he made attempts to get clean, went to AA meetings but the sobriety would only last about a week. Now, 4 months later, he says he doesnt have a problem and "so what if I drink when I'm stressed" never mind that those times are all throughout the day and his drinks of choice are 4locos, mikes hard lemonade and cheap vodka by the pint or half gallon.
I'm stuck now and cannot decide whether I should just get out now or continue to stay. He says I'm unsupportive by choosing to distance myself and even accuses me of being an alcoholic. We are continuing couples counseling. I'm learning in alanon that I can only control myself and my behaviors. That being said, do I choose for myself to end it before I find myself 10 years in and miserable that I have wasted a decade?
HELP Please!
We've been married just 14 months and although his drinking was a concern for me before we married, I never realized it was a real problem until I started finding bottles hidden throughout the house, he's not been working for 4 months now and even when I threatened with leaving (did a few times but came back) he still can't seem to get it under control. It almost seems like we've even gone backward.
When this first came to light and I stopped making excuses and hiding it from family, his family got involved and he was able to admit (although I don't think he believed it) that he is an alcoholic, he made attempts to get clean, went to AA meetings but the sobriety would only last about a week. Now, 4 months later, he says he doesnt have a problem and "so what if I drink when I'm stressed" never mind that those times are all throughout the day and his drinks of choice are 4locos, mikes hard lemonade and cheap vodka by the pint or half gallon.
I'm stuck now and cannot decide whether I should just get out now or continue to stay. He says I'm unsupportive by choosing to distance myself and even accuses me of being an alcoholic. We are continuing couples counseling. I'm learning in alanon that I can only control myself and my behaviors. That being said, do I choose for myself to end it before I find myself 10 years in and miserable that I have wasted a decade?
HELP Please!
There is no what "should" you do, what do you "want" to do? Do you want to stay with him or do you want to leave? You don't have to divorce, but you don't have to live with him either. You are allowed to set boundaries.
This disease will make him put the focus anywhere but on his drinking, but you have to remember it has nothing to do with you, no matter what he says. You can't make him stop, nothing you do or say will make him stop, he has to decide that he doesn't want to live this way anymore. It's hard, I wish you strength!
For me, I'm living in a state of hindsight at the moment. My AH and I were together for 4 years before we got married. 6 months in, the alcohol issues started to surface. I didn't realize it was that long ago until I started reading journal entries, letters I had written to him, but never gave him, etc.
We've been married 12 years, I just filed for divorce. I'm convinced he has a "root problem" stemming around marriage or kids or us getting married gave him permission to "be". I don't know. It's really hard for me to read those entries though. I knew everything I know now back then, but I doubted myself. I wanted to believe him. I loved him with all my heart.
Now I'm looking at separating 16 years worth of property, figuring out how to separate my credit from his, what parenting time should be, etc.
I try not to kick myself. I try to remind myself that I obviously had a lesson to learn, some growing to do, etc. I have a beautiful daughter as a result of this relationship and I learned a ton about myself. Became a stronger woman, learned a lot about this disease and so much more.
Be strong. Trust yourself. And don't lose sight of you. You'll know what the right answer is, when the time is right for you.
I've been going to alanon and learned to let go of the control and not be so obsessed with the drinking. We are separated right now and in therapy. Although I don't know if the drinking is continuing (he never talks about or celebrates his sobriety though) his behaviors continue to be so shocking to me. Mood swings and any time I address something he's done that's hurt me, theres a counter to it in pointing a finger at me. He even does this in therapy. I feel that I do need to get out now before it get's harder to leave. I love the man he used to be, but have no compassion or desire to be with the man he appears to be now.
As a total stranger, I realize how weird it is to give you advice, but everything you've shared screams: LEAVE. NOW. At least, to me it does.
We all deserve peace and happiness in this life. Of course, only you can determine if this man is worth keeping around, but you're only a year in. You learned something about him that, had you known before marrying him, you might not have done so. Those are grounds for a legal annullment, aren't they?
As time goes on, your life will get more and more tied to his; that's the nature of the marriage relationship. I think you are more than justified to say "this isn't what I wanted, and I deserve better."
Just my humble opinion - best wishes for you as you go through this separation and therapy, I hope it's helpful.
Please, please, please, do not find yourself in this same situation. Fourteen months is not long compaired to the rest of your life.
Look after yourself first. IF he gets better and sober (give it at least 5 years) then you may want to re-consider. But I think you will move on.
Best Wishes,
Danni