My husband used that excuse also. It's a viscous cycle. I can honestly say that I still love my husband with all my heart...but there were times in our marriage where I wasn't affectionate, wasn't loving, wasn't what he expected in a wife. Well, he wasn't what I expected in a husband either. Since he's been in AA, we've had long discussions about that very thing. We have a lot of issues with our marriage, but one thing that he finally had to stop was blaming me for HIS behaviors. There is NEVER a reason to drink. Life is hard...marriage is hard...kids are hard...work can be stressful...it's life...but it's NEVER an excuse to drink and make those around you miserable.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I hope things work out for you!

Look at it this way---couple counselling will either help make things better or it won't. Counselling will help you sort through your own feelings and find some clarity. I also really encourage alanon to help you as well.

I am going through many of the same feelings that you are - my husband has told me many of the same things you mentioned - drinks because I'm not intimate enough with him, I don't acknowledge things that he does to help around the house (which is rare since most of the time he's drinking or hungover and useless for the day). I really started to blame myself - this was before I knew he was an alcoholic, and I still blame myself. I am going to start going to Al Anon to try and learn how to deal with these emotions.

What I am learning is when he does drink, to just walk away... most of the times he'll wake up the next day and is sweet as pie to me, even though I feel like he emotionally beat the crap out of me. I also have stopped nagging him into going to rehab or counseling. He's in AA, and I've had to tell myself that he has to want to stop drinking... for now I'm hanging in, if he decides he loves booze more than me, I know that I'll need to walk away for the sake of my two kids.

I think everything that you're feeling is very common. I've been trying to tell myself that this is a disease, and trying to remember the man that I fell in love with. When he's sober, I see that man and I'm holding on to hope that one day I'll see much more of him. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that things work out.

I am currently going through counseling with an active functioning alcoholic. I am also questioning if it is the right thing to do, but I feel like I'm learning a lot from the therapist. I'm also going to a therapist on my own. After our last session, I wondered if this is just one more thing that my husband is doing to make it look like hes trying to change. Wondering if he will ever truly be driven from within to change. So, far I haven't seen the fire. Small moments of hope, but they always fade. I'm finally at a place where I know that this all has to come from him, but Im not convinced he will do it before I am fed up. We have only gone to two sessions...can let you know how it goes after a few more!

@rollercoaster - We have been to counseling for 3 months now. We are kind of still in the same boat yet. Like you said, I still haven't figured out if he is in counseling to get help or if it is just something he is doing to appease me. The counselor has given us tools but it is hard to put them into action with an active alcoholic. He has cut back on his drinking some during the week but still does not readily admit it is a problem. I have been considering seeing a separate therapist on my own as well. Our marriage counselor won't come out and tell him he has a problem because he doesn't want to lose his trust. But we have discussed it as a problem for me. We still haven't gotten to a place where we can have a civil discussion without getting into an argument. I am not sure if that will happen until he gets his head on straight. I know what you mean too when they show little signs of success and you have hope and then the next day is something totally different. I am considering going back to Al Anon too. I am feeling myself slipping back into old habits where I feel sorry for myself and stop caring. I have to get out of that and get back into taking care of me. I hope things get better for you!

My experience has been that it was a waste of time/money/effort to go to marriage counseling with an active alcoholic. Of course, we had a really bad therapist that blamed me for my AH's drinking almost as much as my AH did. He actually told me I just needed more friends @@ NO I needed for my husband to step up and be a husband. I finally decided I deserved more out of life and I was tired of my happiness being dependent on whether or not AH was drinking. We've been seperated since June after being married for 17 years. While I'm sad our marriage is over I know that I tried my best and did everything I could to make our marriage work. He's not the person I married (he started drinking about 8 yrs ago) and I don't think that person will ever return even if he stops drinking. It sounds like you are about at the point I was when I made the decision to let go but only you can know if it's really over. Just make sure everything is in order as much as possible before you leave/ask for a divorce if that is what you decide to do. Copies of tax records, insurance papers etc The more you do upfront the less of a headache the details will be later. Best wishes, Danielle

I did it for 3 years. Yes THREE years. The last session was basically "I am going to leave if you don't stop" with the therapist in agreement. I am now 4 months into my divorce and he's still drinking. Please get counseling for YOU not for the alcoholic not unless he has a solid program of recovery and is also not drinking. I spent far too much money and wasted too much talk on someone who loves his lifestyle far more than me and his kids.

The good news is I'm happy with my decision. Sorry I sound spiteful but I will never get that time and money back!!

Thanks everyone for your input. I often wonder how I got myself into this predicament. How did I end up marrying an alcoholic? He didn't drink that much when we started dating at least not that I can recall. What was the turning point that caused this change in behavior? He still blames me. Our counselor doesn't seem to like me to bring up the issue of his drinking. However, this is like one of the biggest issues in our marriage. I like our counselor but am concerned he has no experience in handling a marriage in trouble like ours. @bean22: I feel like counseling is bringing me closer to divorce than to reconnecting. This week my husband took the day off of work to get some things done at home on the day of our counseling session. I asked if we could go to dinner afterward since I would be coming from work. He agreed. I also had a hair appointment that evening in the same town which gave us 1 1/2 hours to eat. When we left the counselor he said he wasn't hungry. He went home and I grabbed a sandwich and sat in the salon until my appt. When I got home, it was clear he had been drinking. I was so mad. He couldn't have dinner with me so he could go home and drink. That is how it felt. He says he doesn't like the fact that he "needs" alcohol to reduce his stress (alcohol is the only thing that seems to make him happy). If he can announce that why won't he get help? I just don't understand and I am just not sure how much longer I can do this. I will be 44 next month. I really think there is a better life out there for me but I am so scared to leave. I have places to go. I have two sisters I can live with. One is married but they have no children. The other is widowed and she has one child. I feel like I am answering my own questions but am lacking the willpower to act on my instincts. How do you leave?

Just meet with a lawyer for information. Divorce is hard but you can get there if that is truly the right thing for you to do. Good luck.

I remember once getting all dolled up to meet my husband for dinner. Naturally he said to meet him at the yacht club bar first and then we would go from there out for a nice meal.

I arrive, looking my best (FOR HIM) he's mildly buzzed chatting with a friend. I have to endure a drink or two with them and then he simply says, "why don't we just eat at the bar? here?" I'm upset, so his compromise is to move from the bar itself to a table. (within the bar area). Yes, what a romantic meal... NOT huge screen tv with formula one blaring in my face. He barely is there because at this point he's getting drunk.

I also remember once being told at the last minute by my stbx AH that he can't make my son's open house at school. I come home after having to not only attend with 2 small children, to him hanging out and drinking.

The stories go on and on. What would you tell a woman in this situation? Seriously?!

You are of right mind when it comes to a stranger. You would say, GET OUT. Life is too short for this.

I am proud to say I finally did, but what I cannot understand is why I stayed as long as I did.

HANG IN THERE. Do what you need to do. But if this joker doesn't make a huge life change and get into recovery he does not deserve you and the children.

Break it down:

Make it a goal to get 2 to 3 referrals of good divorce attorneys. Ask for their rates. Can you negotiate? What was their style? is there an initial consultation fee??

Next goal make the calls. Pump them for as much information as you can over the phone because many charge for consults.

next goal retain.

And then they tend to guide you from there. Be ready for numerous feelings to emerge. Consider continuing counseling on your own and/or al Anon. This is going to be a scary but wonderful lifechanging experience. Especially when you drop all that emotional dead weight.

Remember you CAN build new dreams and a new life, it just takes time and the heart to build a new emotional foundation.