i was hoping yesterday would be a banner day in our household, where i could say that my SO has officially made it one week sober. I wish i could say that... but i can't. He suffers from pretty debilitating anxiety and has habitually used alcohol to sort of dull that. he was on medication but then decided to go off it (after maybe a week and a half :s) because of "brain zaps", which is a thing, i looked it up. obviously he needs to be on SOME kind of medication because he's in PAIN with this anxiety, like doubled over. you can hear it in his voice, see it in his face... he doesn't want to leave the house, etc. yesterday he was about to leave the house with his backpack - classic sign - and i walked outside to stop him. he did say honestly he was going to get alcohol, to which i was like, well that doesn't work for me and it doesn't work for anyone in this house. within a few minutes he came inside and talked to me about it, admitted he doesn't want to drink at all, doesn't want to go down that road, but doesn't know what else to do. i didn't want him to go to the liquor store at all, so i admitted i had 2 beers that i had got for him last week when he thought he needed to taper down the alcohol to stop what he thought were the DTs (probably just his body adjusting to the medication but you can't tell a genius anything). so he had those, and he smoked a joint, i don't care about him using pot, at least he's not a violent asshole on pot... and he felt better after the pot. i bought some CBD pills online because i have close friends who have had a lot of success with them and anxiety. when we talked i basically said to him listen, i'm not asking you to suffer, i'm not asking you to struggle and be in pain. we have to find something that works for you and for us as a family. because alcohol doesn't work, maybe you feel better for 20 mins but the fallout lasts for days and longer. we don't want that, we can't do that. i didn't feel like i was lecturing, i felt more like i'm finally able to get my point across. if he doesn't want to be sober, he doesn't have to be. but he can't do that here. if he wants to be here, then he needs to make the steps that it takes to be sober and present for our family. he's actually been much more helpful around the house, not picking up the slack but doing more to help me since i have more work now (i work from home and the last few months were pretty dead). he's also finally applied for welfare because he's realized just how much money he's FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET... i know it was his inheritance but i honestly can't even think about how wasteful he's been, it makes me want to puke. think of all the things they've done and we just sort of grin and swallow it. every now and then i get a wave of memory and it makes me feel a bit faint. 

so this was long and rambling... i think i had to get it off my chest though, i've been having bad dreams the last few nights, about him and his addiction i think. being able to work and log hours has given me some positivity though. even though i'll be putting a lot of my pay cheque into bills and necessary things i'll be able to put money towards my debt and savings so i can be that much closer to standing on my own two feet if and when the time comes. thank you for listening!