Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I can read any one of your stories and feel like it is my own. It actually hurts my heart to read these posts because I’ve been there a million times over the years. I’ve blamed myself over and over again for my husband’s drinking. Tried to figure out what it is that I have done to “cause this”. We all blame ourselves, we are belittled and made to be scape goats on a daily or weekly basis. I don’t even have anyone in my life to talk to about this. “Til death do you part”...thanks MOM. Do you know the hell I go through? Do you know that is why I cry everyday, have no self esteem or confidence anymore, and even short tempered with my kids at times. Then I blame myself again. I’m a shitty mom, shitty wife, shitty daughter. But when I take a step back and look from the outside: it’s the years of silent pain that I have been dealing with. Well maybe I’m selfish for all of this thinking about me? Well there I go again. I actually feel bad that I just threw his beer all over the garage. Thought about pissing in his whiskey...
I have not exactly been in your shoes because I do not have children and am not married, just in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. He has been drinking for 3 years now, although we have been dating much longer.
I do understand your feelings of the low self esteem though. They make you cry and feel like it is your fault. On an intellectual level you know it is their fault, but your heart sometimes aches and feels otherwise. My AB is getting much worse and has just started calling me names and using profanity to me when he is drunk. That is a change for the worse. He has crossed a line. Enough that I did not speak to him for 5 days (I have my own place). It is hard to understand how you can treat someone your love with such hatred and disrespect, drunk or not.
We are all hard on ourselves, because we get worn down from years of this drama. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and wife. Remember that this is his problem. I was told the other day to stop carrying around this burden for him by his own sister. She told me to take care of myself. Hard to do, but if you don't, it will eat you alive.
Hugs to you. Remember to take care of yourself. I took a short road trip the other day and it did wonders for me. Some alone time and drama free.
Sometimes I steal his money that he hides from me and buy myself something nice. Sometimes I blast my music with the sub woofer on extra bass, knowing it will drive him nuts but he knows he can't tell me to turn it down because he is drunk. Sometimes I take his Ambien (strong sleep medication) and use it myself and take a Benadryl and using a nail file I will file it down to look just like the Ambien. Then I take a little beige face powder to match the color of the Ambien. AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.