sunshine, Good for you! I think what your doing is very brave. It's so hard to get there when you love someone so much and scared of the what ifs. Not just for you but for him also. Its taken me years to figure out that we will never have that relationship that I desire to have, drunk or sober the addiction will always be there. The loosing of ourselves isn't worth it anymore! I can't help with the leaving questions, I tried years ago and never made it longer than a few days and wanted to be back home. I'm to the point that if he were to just leave me I would be ok with it.... I haven't yet got to the point that I wanna give up my security in my home maybe one day I will get there. Alot of woman do it and i'm sure its hard, stay strong. I'm praying for you.

Hi there. My exH is an addict. He doesn’t drink, but he is a sex addict and it destroyed our marriage.
I left him when I was in my 30s, our kids were 5 and 9. I was also very scared.
10 years later - I am happy that I did it. It all worked out.
One thing that was important is that once we broke up, he became a better parent.
I was ot there to enable him and rescue him anymore. He had to take care of himself.
Don’t be scared. It will be fine .

I’m so tired. I’m considering the same thing after 20+ years of the lying, multiple affairs and drinking. After pretending to be sober the past 4 years and going to meetings etc, he came home at 1:00 am after driving drunk 3 weeks ago. He nearly killed someone 4 years ago while driving drunk. He hasn’t learned a thing and I see no desire to change. I’m exploring my options. I also don’t want to give up my security but it doesn’t feel all that secure these days. I just don’t know.

I did it. I didn’t leave though, I made him leave. His drunkenness was detrimental to all of us (2 kids ages 17 & 14) and I was so fed up and unhappy. It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it! We are all much happier now. My ex has spiraled and just got a 3rd DUI. He lives with his parents now & I’m sure it is hell for them. Starting over can be scary, but I looked at it as a new beginning. Life is now very good.

I’m debating it. We have only been married a year and a half, but his drinking has just gotten increasingly worse. To the point where he just lost his job because of it. He doesn’t think he has a problem and that he is controlling it. And he will be fine for a week to two, and then turn around and fall off the wagon again. It escalates every time... I don’t know how much more I can take. He doesn’t even take me seriously anymore when I threaten to leave, or even when I do leave because I don’t feel safe anymore. It’s now a joke for him. I don’t think he will ever get better.

I'm going through the same thing. Well, have been going over and over it for years. Me and my husband are just about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I feel truly heartbroken knowing it may well be our last. But remember thinking the same thing as we approached our 20th, and now am more scared of a life wrapped up in worry over his drinking and living more years in this inertia, than in actually leaving (lthough I'm terrified of leaving, too!) I have reached breaking point, all the broken promises, then fresh hopes followed by disappointments have taken their toll. It is hard, terrifying to even contemplate leaving, but I would advise anyone to not let the years slip by without anything changing (as I have!) Part of my problem has been just not knowing if things were as bad as I imagined. I don't even trust myself anymore, as to what is normal or not. He is in complete denial (I don't have a problem, I'm in control, just enjoying myself etc, etc....) yet he can't go for more than 2 or 3 days without a drink. I'm the 'nagging wife' for not letting him have his daily bottle of wine. And reading the letters on here, I see much worse and more extreme examples of addiction. But now I'm done, and cannot live like this anymore. That has become stronger than the fear. We have 3 kids (11,14 and 17) and I am living in a foreign country. Don't know how to go about it. I wish all of you all the best in making a decision, because it's the hardest one you could ever make, Yet, reading some of the comments from those who made it (to leave) look, they survived, and don't regret it. We are more likely to regret staying rather than leaving, I think. Life is short.

Hi, I have been looking at places and have another to look at today. I'm frustrated because in this process I keep trying to figure out how to make it so he isn't so inconvenienced. I'm still trying to take care of him and his worries. Making this easier on my kids is all I should be worried about but its not. He keeps telling me that he will change, just stay and see. I've heard that so many times. We have been through so much that I could write a book or two but he doesn't see his fault in it past a few things. And the fact he thinks that since he has said he is sorry, that it should all be put in the past and I should "get over it" and forgive him. How do you forgive when the past is relived every other day. I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I'm not a bad person. He's not a bad person, he makes bad choices. I can't get past the fact this is my fault, I should have left 9 years ago when the drinking started getting worse. Maybe I did love him to much. I did give up who I was for his happiness. But I grew up in a shattered family so I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do to have a happy family. Now I'm trying to teach my girls what I have learned. I sure hope they are listening and watching.

Sunshine76, I really wish you strength in this decision. Maybe you can never know 100% if you are making the right decision, and if, just if, they might really change. But as you say, you've been together 19 years, and the last 9 years it has been worse. Will they really change this time? When I look back at the last 25 years of our marriage, I see we have done some amazing things (travelled, lived abroad, had 3 amazing kids, not to mention really been in love with each other..) BUT almost everything has been poisoned by alcohol. So many of my memories were also of him drinking heavily, getting drunk, being hungover and all the family occasions it ruined. And, yes, I too was promised it would change. I invested so much hope in these promises and they have been broken time and time again. Maybe leaving is the only real wake up call they get? Or illness. I have 2 girls and a son, and I also want to show them that this is unacceptable, and no one should have to put up with this (as his mum, grandmas did etc..) Someone has to break the pattern. If I stay, what messages are they getting? It's bloody scary, I feel physically sick whenever I really think of the logistics of it all, as it's so nerve-wracking. But it sounds like you are making concrete plans, which means you are serious about it, and it will surely set things in motion. You maybe have turned a point where you can't go back to the way things are. Maybe I am reaching that point, too. I wish you so much luck and strength.

I am new here and all of these posts are my life too. I have threatened leaving, calling the cops, kicking him out. Nothing works unless I stick to it, which I don't do. He gets up the next day and acts like nothing happened. All lovey dovey and asking what is wrong with me. I think I have finally reached the point to stick to it. We have been married 35 years and together 42. The last 8 or 9 have been total hell!!! DUI's, jail, hospital, treatment programs all with no lasting effect. I am currently trying to muster up the courage to walk away. I have so much invested in our life. I certainly do not want to start over and I know, I KNOW, I will never trust another man. I just want to run away and never be found.

Well I have been to an apartment to look and got eaten up with fleas, so no I didn't take that one. Had an appointment to look at house and missed it for the girls running me late. They rented it to the person who was on time. Now I have a trailer to go look at but the new issue is I have a tooth that needs fixed (broken crown) and going to take a big chunk of money. Something always happens to make me change my mind and make me think I can't do this without him financially. This isn't the first time I have tried to leave. I'm so frustrated with all this. And blaming him for making me do this. It's my fault for not leaving years ago and for letting it get this bad. But I wanted him, our life together, our girls to have him in their life 24/7. Why couldn't he love me enough, love them enough? Now I find myself procrastinating with this trailer and I don't know why exactly. I have told my girls , they know how unhappy I am in this situation. They don't like his drinking either. This is so hard.

I finalized my divorce this week. All of the posts above could have been mine. Married 12 years, but I knew at year 5 that this wasn’t going to work, that I was being mentally abused and I should have left. I loved him so much and was waiting for him to stop drinking so we could begin our lives. Instead he made promises to stop, went to numerous outpatient programs, but lied and lied and lied. Truth is he is a selfish, abusive drunk. That I loved.

I’m trying to move forward and am “ok” but the constant angst and fighting is gone. I’m lonely and scared, but am no longer his audience.

Trust your gut.