my RAH had a huge setback yesterday, I'm not even really sure why because everything seemed like it was going well for a little while. we haven't had fights in months.

yesterday he came home from working on "the farm" with the neighbor - who isn't a bad influence but isn't the kind of role model i would pick for anyone, especially not a young and vulnerable recovering alcoholic. he was disciplining our 4-year-old, i wasn't really happy with his choices but they weren't dangerous or anything. then he started in on me while i was cooking dinner. i said (regretfully) "are you drunk?!" and he replied, "yes!" and stormed out. it was just downhill from there.

we were arguing (i was trying not to but he is a master at pushing all your buttons, he won't walk away you have to, and then he'll say things to drag you back in) and at one point he tried to give me a "wet willy" and i slapped him in the face. apparently, this was the last straw for someone who has been physically abusive to me in the past. remember, i'm almost 8 months pregnant, he knows better than to man handle me but in the face of such disrespect? because it wasn't a cute or fun or loving action, it was meant to be insulting. anyway. apparently, he called the police and talked to them about it SO HE HAS A RECORD THAT I'M VIOLENT and the rest of the night he was making threats about taking my children away, that i've "lost everything"... i know there is no way in hell this is an option, he'll take my kids from me over my dead body first of all, second, all the cops have to do is come to our house and they'll know who we're talking about - history of arrest, history of drunken behaviour in public, history of problems with mental health, open/closed case with child protective services because of his mental health, inability to maintain a job, not to mention his DUI and the fact that he can't drive his car if he's had even a beer.

he proceeded to throw things around the kitchen (my takeout coffee, tongs i was using, the garbage can, food, etc - this went on throughout the night) ... it really makes the anger boil when he breaks things that he hasn't paid for. he holds the fact that he bought this house over my head - he bought it with money he inherited when his father passed away, so not like he worked his ass off to get it. he says it's for me but he's so quick to kick me out and remind me that it's "HIS" house. and i think that's why whenever i ask him to put my name on the deed (when things are going well) so that i can have access to household expenses like the water and property bills, he ignores or puts it off.

he screamed in his mother's face i don't even know how many times, treating her like he's in charge, like he's a parent and like she's garbage. she's done so much for him but she's also really enabled his behavior out of her own guilt. and all this after telling our daughter she's not allowed to yell and scream and people when she's angry. great role model.

i had sent her to her room and told her to shut the door. he thinks i should be afraid of him, i'm not afraid of him, i think he's a disgusting joke when he's like that but i try to keep my distance so i don't get hurt and am incapable of helping her. i also keep my phone in my hand ready to dial 911 if necessary. i think i have too much pride myself, but i am a true mama bear and when my children are threatened, by ANYONE, i'm ready to go for the jugular. i eventually went into her room with her. at one point earlier he said to her "mommy hits, mommy isn't right in the head, we have to keep an eye on her, you shouldn't be around her." in my head i'm thinking, i'm sure the police would want to leave her with YOU while you're shitfaced drunk. i took her to his mother's room and we stayed in there with the door shut because he wouldn't go away. so in her room later she was actually quite stoic, no tears "i don't know why daddy is acting like this. this is not my daddy, this is not my friend. he's being a bully and a jerk." we have talked to her about bullies, not using daddy as a reference. this breaks my heart that she has to go through this, even if it's "once in a blue moon".

i used to think that it would be bad if we left because of her relationship with him, but with the way he behaves when he's like that, and how she will admit that she doesn't want to be around him, i think that she's at a point where she understands that we would be happier and safer somewhere with just the three of us - new baby, her, and me.

i'm not interested in talking to him or talking it out, i don't care about his feelings anymore - why should i when he clearly doesn't care about the people around him. i have finally found a place where, for the most part, i don't give a shit about what he's going through because i realized i didn't want to spend the rest of my life putting his mental health before mine. you made your bed, lay it in. you got stuck out because you drank and can't drive your car? okay, sleep in it. his mum would go get him but i'd leave him right there. and i don't think i care if we leave and he falls apart, either. we will carry on.