Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Ok, so after 14years of putting up with all the stress of living with the A..all the damage his actions have done to my son (13yrs old) are coming to a head. My son talks about killing other people..refuses to go to school (im soon going to be in legal trouble over his absences) I am sitting here shaking..my nerves are shot!! I just can't handle all of this stress and trauma. My AH is completely functional..has stopped the rageing about 6 months ago..it hasn't helped a thing in our household. It seems to have made things worse actually. The AH has not got a clue as to the state of things with my son. I can't talk to him about the issues as his responses to it just won't work..he doesn't get that he is the main reason my son and I are such a mess (emotionally and mentally). If I removed all the stresses other then just my own it is more then one person can handle..I just don't know where to turn. I fear for my own health at this point. I know if I walk away, the AH is going to paint me as the bad guy cause he just doesn't get it. Now that he is not raging it makes it even more difficult to leave..at least before I felt like I could use that as a reason (I know the breakdown of the relationship and the drinking should be reason enough but due to my own issues I feel I need more then just that) I feel I need to be pissed to leave or have the drive to leave..I am one of those people that feel he has to be physically abusive to validate my leaving...crazy I know but tell that to myself..I just don't know what to do anymore..my precious baby is suffering and I don't know what to do to stop it, fix it. I am suffering..all the while the AH is CLUELESS!!!! I am currently enrolling my son in online schooling, which once the AH finds out will be PISSED. I feel like he has NO say..he is not the one dealing with the daily struggle to get my resistent son to school every single morning...he is not the one that will have to go before the judge when the school turns us in for absences at school. And it really PISSES me off that I even have to deal with him and his reaction to finding out that I am withdrawing my child from school. I don't know what other avenue to take. I am trying to hold myself and my son together but we are both hanging by a string. I am also concerned that my son is playing me..I worry he is just using these threats to get what he wants (to just be able to stay at home everyday and not have to deal with life) Am I a pushover...yes..I have tried to give my son everything he desires, trying to compensate for his ass of a step father. (his real dad has never been a part of his life either) I feel so alone..trapped and out of control. I have been on medical leave from my job since Nov. I return to work the beginning of Feb. I feel like I must get the whole school situation figured out before I return to work. I am trying to find a house to buy to get us out of here but of course just like EVERYTHING I try to make things better I just keep hittng roadblocks (limited housing available at my price range, started counseling but getting in for appointments is difficult..think the counselor should want to see us more then every 2 weeks (son admitted he is having homicidal thoughts but they act like its no big deal) counselor told me after first session wow!! I am overwhelmed just hearing your story but hey...we'll see you in 2 weeks..WTF?? Why wouldn't we be given more attention then that? I feel like every where I turn for help I am just getting dismissed. Do I have to have a complete emotional breakdown or my son actually hurt someone for someone to take notice? I am just VERY frustrated with society and life in general and all the while the AH remains content and happy is his diluted world.
Why doesn't your son want to go to school? Are the problems academic, or social? Is someone bullying him? Has he been diagnosed with any type of disorder?
I can imagine my AH would act the same way if we had that type of problem. Dismiss everyone else's feelings and needs, then criticize whatever solution I tried. Be strong! You are doing something about the problem with the online schooling. I would be very frustrated with the counselor too. Were the appointments for yourself, your son, or both of you together?
Does he belong to any sports or organized clubs? Maybe you can make a deal where he has to be part of at least one activity, hopefully with kids his age, if he isn't going to attend school. Then maybe he won't become isolated from being at home.
It sounds like you are doing all you can. I am surprised the counselor did his appointment like that too with the games and pictures. I have no experience with child therapists to know if that is routine.
I can understand about not feeling you are able to leave your AH right now. Lots of "crises", many invented by my AH, kept me in my marriage too long. Another thought that popped into my head while writing this, is can you widen your search for property to include rentals, maybe in a different school district? Just something to get you through six months to a year? It sounds like you really do want to get away and are feeling stuck. Sometimes if there is a house sitting on the market for a long time, the owners are willing to rent it out. So even if owning is not in your price range, maybe renting would be? Renting seems like a waste, but it may be worth it for the peace you will gain.
Again, stay strong. You are doing what you can to help your son and someday he will realize that.
Also, I would consider finding another counselor or even another service to either switch to or in addition to the counselor you're going to. Every two weeks doesn't seem right unless it's an insurance situation and the insurance company won't allow any more frequent visits. Most therapists want to see you weekly, and if you're in really bad shape, a couple times a week. there's also many counselors who will work on a sliding scale based on income and who specialize in children.