Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hello all..So here is my story, hopefully I can make it short. I have been married to a drunk for 14 years. He cares about no one but himself. I have to "protect" my child from him, as he will drive drunk with my son and think nothing of it..I do not allow him to take my son anywhere unless it is to school in the a.m. as he will not refrain from drinking. The last 14 years of my life have consisted of trying to shelter my child from the negativity and verbal demeaning abuse (myself as well) I wanted to leave when my son was a toddler but was afraid the AH would get weekend visitation and I could not allow that, so I felt it was better to stay until at least my son was old enough to see the signs and call me if the AH was trying to drive with him or being nasty as he ALWAYS is. All the efforts that I have made thru these years to protect my son were in vain as now my child is beginning to show the signs of the emotional/mental abuse that he has suffered. My child wants to kill the AH..I don't think he will act on it yet but the thoughts are now there. I am now in a position where ready or not I have to remove my son from this environment. He starts counseling in Jan as do I as well. I am having health problems and I am certain that it is from the stress of living this way all these years. My AH is highly functional and has actually in the last 6 months started being "nicer" I think cause being the con men that they are is concerned I will leave so is putting on an act or maybe the effort of being nicer is the best he can do..It doesn't matter to me..I like my son am so full of anger and rage that we are consumed by it. Yet I still feel guilt over leaving my husband..I know this is just low self esteem and fear on my part..If my son and I are to be saved and have any chance at a happy life, then I must leave. I have been diagnosed with aneroxia..not something I did on purpose..The stress..well I just don't eat..We are as broken as a family can be and yet all the while my AH acts like we are a fine family..that my sons issues are because I spoil him rotten (I admit I do, it is something I have done to try and show him that he is loved and that help lessen the sting of his fathers antics, not his biological father but the only one he has ever known) I just want to let some of you out there know that if your spouse drinks...it will ONLY GET WORSE. Mine drinks about 20 beers a day even on the days he works 12hrs he still manages to drink at least 13 beers. His days off work are the worst as by the time I get home from work about 6pm he is completely trashed and that is when he gets nasty for the most part. I am currently house hunting..The AH can have the house we live in currently..it is getting pretty shabby since he NEVER repairs anything..I do all the "man" work around here, at least the stuff I can do, I pay all the bills..etc, etc..It took me getting sick (been off work since Thanksgiving but going back after the first of the year) to really open my eyes...it is never going to get better and my son's behavior since I have been off work has opened them even more. Will this be easy...no, I have limited money to buy a house with, thank goodness for all the foreclosures out there...now to find one that fits my price point and is liveable...once that happens we will be gone like a thief in the night . I just wanted to advise all of you...if you are unhappy, holding out hope that they will get better...DON'T..get on with your life, take your kids and RUN...don't wait like I did...your children are paying the price.Love and hugs to all of you dealing with a drinker...trust me I know you need it.
Changeforbetter101
I feel so bad for you! I can relate to the 'man' work around the house. My husband got to the point he never did a thing either. We had floor boards coming off and it didn't bother my AH. I would have to call my son over to do things for me because I got tired of waiting for my husband to get off his fat butt and actually do something besides sit on his laptop and drink all day. My 18-year old moved out so I decided to fix up his room (knowing he would be back :-)) I asked my husband to stop at Home Depot for me to pick up two vents for my sons room. My husband had an absolute FIT! He went nuts over vents? O-M-G! Telling me it was a waste of money to fix up a 'spare' bedroom. What? I was fine with the fact that I am the one in this marriage spending my money on 'home improvements.' My husband could care less about the house - he spends his money on pool sticks and beer. I wish you luck on the house!
keatamax
Oh my, please get yourselves out now before your son does something that will ruin his life forever. You both need a peaceful home environment. Do not feel guilty leaving your AH - he doesn't deserve another thought. Best of luck to you.
als1969
Thanks for your comments and replies..I am trying to get out but it seems like life wants to keep me trapped here. It is so frustrating, now that I have finally reached the point that I want to get out and could..I can't find a place within my price point..I live in a small town and the few rental places we have are government assisted and I am not eligible to live there as I make to much money. Just when I can see a light a the end of the tunnel, life seems to come along and yank the rug from under me. I sometimes feel like God is holding me here but I don't understand why..Lesson yet to be learned perhaps? Every where I go to seek help heath wise, money wise I run into brick walls..My son and I both have been thru the counseling intake but can't actually get in to see the counselor until Mid Jan..he even sat there and told the intake person that he feels like he wants to harm others..but they did nothing about it..makes me think no wonder kids go to school one day and kill a bunch of people..kids that do this sort of thing are not evil (usually) they are acting out of rage and anger..when do we as a society understand that most of these incidents could of been avoided if we and the medical community wouldn't have been so passive..I just have to wonder if these kids were seeking help and were put off cause the counselors were booked and couldn't fit them in. I have even talked to the school counselor about my sons home life over 4 weeks ago and was assured that he would start taking my son under his wing and help him...YEAH RIGHT..he has not spoken with my child once..again I feel like we are cast aside, like we don't count or matter...It was very difficult to tell the school counselor about our home life but I did for my son and NOTHING has been done about it. I am at a loss..It has been a real wake up call for me..I understand how and why people fall thru the cracks and it just adds to my anger and feelings of hopelessness. This situation has also got me thinking if I ever do get out and can find a way to provide help to others in a situation like I am in, I will do it. I would be so greatful if someone out there could give us the helping hand we need to start a new life..but I don't know of anyone that can help me. I have tried getting help but I also get the same song and dance as to why they can't help...It is so disheartening and frustrating. I appreciate the support I can get online but it doesn't change the situation.
deleted_user
Is there no family or friends close by that you could move in with until you can find a place? Is there no other small community close by that is within reasonable driving distance? I'm sure you've already thought of that. There's also those battered women's shelters, but I'm sure they're not the most wonderful places to stay and don't know if they'll take you in unless you're truly "battered." Catholic Social Services also helps women and puts them in houses with other women until they can find a place to live.
baddream
I understand your frustration. I had to go on public assistance to get me and my kids counseling because our crappy insurance wouldn't cover it. Even then it took forever to get in and while the counselor was a nice lady she was not real helpful. What really helped me was breaking down each problem that was causing me anxiety. In this case, you need a home so sit down and brainstorm and actually put it on paper ALL the possibilities, not just the 'practical' ones that come to mind. For instance on my list was to borrow my friends camper over the summer and camp until we found a place. Now, while that is not practical in the winter where I am, it depends on your location. Just by getting stuff down on paper it stops everything from running around in circles in your head. Being proactive in anyway will help lessen the feeling of helplessness, from stashing some money away to checking your credit scores to making a list of what you are looking for in a house. Also, if you have a decent chunk of change and the ability to get a loan in your name only you may want to look into auctions. I just found a nice little house for less than half the appraised value at an auction. It was $5,000 down and the rest (in my case a mortgage was necessary) due in 30 days. Keep in mind I have lived in my parents basement with my two kids for a year and a half so it may not happen as fast as you want it to but you just have to keep on trying. 'Just keep swimming' as Dory (Finding Nemo) would say is my mantra. While the support you get online may not directly change the situation, finding support will make you stronger, and that WILL change the situation. You are stronger than you know and you can do this. Have you been to an Al Anon meeting yet? Please see if you can find one close by and go to a few meetings (they reccommend 6) before deciding if it is helping or not. The people I met there have truly been my saving grace.
Join the Conversation