It's been a while since I've posted. I started with the "if I just do this or that" thoughts and one of them was "if you don't go on that support website, you won't need it.." I know. Stupid. The lies we tell ourselves to make it less real than it is. My AH is a binge alcoholic. He won't drink for months and months ...even a year but then something happens. Right now, it's his job. He's worked for this company for over 3 years and has done a great job there, including 2 promotions. But..and there's always a but...he doesn't do well with policies and procedures that he doesn't agree with. One such policy is that you can't work X # of days in a row. He's been spoken to about it before. Of course..he things its ridiculous. If he wants to work a million hours to do his job perfectly then it shouldn't matter to them, right? But it does matter and they have rules. So they sent him home yesterday after being written up and "he may not have a job as of tomorrow". No official word yet. So of course, he calls me at work. And says, "be prepared. I'm going to drink." And drink he did. Ignored our puppy and drank a whole big bottle of nasty port wine (learned that grossness from his mother). Today, I stayed home from work. I couldn't go in knowing he would be drinking all day. So far he only has a 6 pack. Who knows if he'll walk to get more. He can't drive (thank GOD) because his truck has a built in breathalyzer. And I hid my keys (I can't believe that I have to do that in my life!!).

So here I am ... back on the site relearnign what I already know. Reminding myself that I can't let his alcoholism ruin my life. I just needed one day to cry. I just needed this one day off to pull myself together before I have to go back to work and tell friends and family that he doesn't have a job. He's committed to quitting even if they don't fire him.

I do make more money so we should be ok with bills. Not great but ok. We will have to cut back but I think we can do it for awhile. I am just so worried about the possible decline...he's lost a job before and I thought it was all over...I thought I lost him to the booze forever. But he pulled himself back up...but it was two months of pain and heartache. The worst part is that my work is outrageously busy now through the end of February. I don't know how I am going to handle the stress of it all. I have a therapist so that will help but I just don't believe that I have the strength to do it all. But I know I have to...I can't lose my job.

So that is the latest in my life....the life I tried to pretend wasn't ruled by an alcoholic...

thanks for listening....I know that so many of you have much harder lives and stories...but the impact to us is the same whether he drinks every day or not...and I am so thankful that you are are all here so I know I am not alone.