I’m not angry but sad, but here nevertheless

You have to actively decide that you will find joy and peace. But first, you need to face why you are angry, figure out what it is teaching you and let it go. The more you feed the anger, the angrier you will get. It is so easy in our situations, to let anger run out of control and totally take over our lives. But you can change that. It is just going to take some intention and willpower for you to decide that you don't want to be this way anymore.

Are you angry at yourself for letting things get to the point they are? Are you angry at him for drinking and ruining your marriage? At the wasted years? How he makes you feel? Dig deep to the very root of the issues here. Search for the answers, and you will find out what is really going on.

We cannot control what they decide to do with themselves and how they treat others. We can only control how we react to them and the situation we are in. We can only control our decisions and growth and how we choose to live our life. Nobody can steal your joy and happiness, unless you are allowing them to. Take back your life. Don't allow him to drag you down with his sinking ship.

Start small and look for little things in your day that make you smile or bring a spark of joy, if even for a moment. The more you look for it, the more you will find. Use your work as a safe harbor away from the madness. Don't allow what your AH is doing, seep into your sanctuary. Leave it at the door and shift your focus on what you are doing moment to moment at work. When those feelings sneak in, you either tell them not now, or you face them head on and figure out why they are coming right now, then let them go away out the door they came in.

If it helps, write down your feelings as they come, usually they are just clutter for what is really going on deep down, that you need to face. Educate yourself and what is going on. If you are suffering some kind of emotion or verbal abuse, learn all you can about the games they play with our heads and how to not engage in the games. Learn as much as you can about alcoholics and what makes them tick. The more knowledge you have about your situation, the more tools you have to fight and win this war. And it is a war you are in when living with an addict. It is them against the world and they will do or say anything to continue their addiction and bring anyone else around them down with them. Don't let him win, stop giving him the key to your soul. Close that door, lock it and throw away the key.

Succeeding in life is the best revenge, someone once told me. The more you heal, grow, find your own joy and peace, the more it makes them mad because they cannot do any of this. Fight for yourself, be your own super hero.

Start small and start doing something for yourself every day, that will make you happy. I started with new nail polish, started getting my nails done, got some new clothes. Listened to music I love, that makes me happy, Start building up the little things that you like and eventually you will be surrounded by the things that bring you joy.

I know you can do this, we all can. You just have to take that first step, even if it is one small step a day, do it. See where this new journey will take you.

Great advise bluesprite, I love reading your post they make so much sense. I'm trying so hard and not sure if i'm going about things the right way. I try ignoring him when he's drinking and that pisses him off. I wait to go to bed till he's or I think he's a sleep but as soon as I lay my head down he's awake. And he starts the verbal BS... I know all I have to do is give into him and just stroke his ego but i'm to the point that I just don't want to anymore! And with every touch or every word he pushes me further. It's like he doesn't want me to be at peace. If I say yes I LOVE U, he tells me i'm lying. 3 nights now I haven't gotten to sleep till late when he just gives up and passes out. What do u do? Do u sleep in the same bed? Do u ignore?

How do u get to where u are now? I need help!

I do think they like to push our buttons and get a reaction out of us. That is all part of the games they play with us. I haven't slept in the same bed with mine for about 6 or so years now. I got to the point where I couldn't be in the same room anymore let alone, let him touch me. We are just barely co-existing together now.

You have to get to a point where you become unemotional when dealing with them. Like you are somewhere else looking in on the situation. It takes practice to detach and unemotionally interact with them. You have been doing the same things for years, so it will take some practice to be unresponsive to them. They want their ego stroked, to engage us in their drama, so it gives them an excuse to continue drinking.

Usually, when someone is verbally abusing someone else, they are actually projecting their own feelings onto their target. I read up online, all i could about what tactics abusers use against their victims. In my case it was mostly emotional, some covert verbal abuse. The more I learned and put names to all that I had been put through, I was able to identify it and fight back in the ways that you need to fight back. Next time he is verbally abusive, clear yourself of emotion, just listen to the ranting and look at him like he is a totally different person than you know. Imagine in your head that he is just so random person who is verbally attacking you. Or maybe just tune him out and just look at him with nothing on your face. Imagine all the insults just bounce off of you and fall to the floor. Don't allow them to sink into your soul. Because really, if this person knew you and loved you truly, they would never put you through so much pain. They say silence speaks louder than words. It is such a true statement. Speak to him like he is a child, because honestly, that is the way they act. If he wants to fight and keep you up all night, then yes ignore him, or tell him that you will not speak to him until he can be more calm and nicer. For me it helped because my youngest is in early teens. So, to speak to him like I would my son was easy. Mine never made it past childhood emotionally, because he started drinking in his early teens, now in his early 40's. So he thinks and acts like a child. I believe that most alcoholics either are in the same boat, or they have drank so much and done so much damage to their brains, that it reverts them back to a childhood state of self-centeredness, instant gratification, no sense of how their actions affect others and so on, just like elementary aged children. It really is sad that we have to become their mothers. The moment I realized that years ago, I stopped acting like his wife. We cannot do both it is too confusing and wrong. I hoped I have helped a little bit.

This works for me when I am strong enough to ignore the bait: I put on some headphones ( or earbuds) and find inspiration. Search you tube for meditations or for talks about codependency. Put podcast app in phone and find inspirational messages there. At first my husband yelled louder or banged the doors harder. I pretend I cannot hear him. Try ( this is hard) not to argue! Refuse to engage! I just TRY to be matter of fact and keep out of his business. The first few times I did this were weird but then I noticed he backs down and leaves me alone.

Thanks I will try what u have both suggested. I told him tonight that I was staying with our daughter that's 8 mos pregnant. Tried to make it about her n he acted like a child having a tantrum. Locked himself in the bedroom, then started texting that he had to do everything around the house, I cooked spaghetti for dinner before leaving to be nice. N he texted that he couldn't eat greasy spaghetti. I just ignored all text! I know why over the years I've given in as it always seemed easier. But I regret the monster I've greatest by letting him control me. Thank u both.

DSTRICK! I love the idea of being accountable for the monster I somehow helped to create. Thanks for the imagery. Lol ( showing my age here) he is like a dark Puff the Magic Dragon.

Bluespirit, your posts honestly help get me through each day. I actually thought about your words the other night when my AH started the ranting and raving. I actually walked away without engaging in a verbal fight. He came in the bedroom later and asked to skew in the bed. I said no and went to sleep. He was surprised! After a night of hearing his verbal abuse, he started touching me and I was numb. For the first time, I actually had tears because I didn’t want to sleep with him. He entire time, all I kept thinking was how much I just wanted to be left alone. He could tell I was being distant and sad. He asked what was wrong with me, and I told him that I couldn’t be with someone who emotionally hurts me every single day. I just remember thinking, how on Earth did my marriage get this way??!

Bluespirit, if you don’t mind me asking, how has you child/children turned out now that they’re older...with living with an AH? Also, has them seeing your be disconnected to their dad while living as a married couple affected them at all? Do they ever talk about their dads alcoholism? I ask because I have two little boys, and I worry about it non-stop. Keep the advice on detachment and coping skills coming. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that they help more than you realize. God bless you. ❤️

Thank you hopeless, that means a lot knowing that I can help someone else. I have boys, and they just have never been aware of what was going on. I told them recently, but they really are unaware of what has been going on their whole lives. We always were doing things together, my boys and I, while my AH would be holed up in a room or the garage, to drink. This is all they have known and didn't think anything of it. He has been really good at hiding it from other people and I just tried to continue living and doing things with and for my boys, so that they had some normalcy. If ever I felt like he was being too harsh on them or not treating them right, I would say something. But whatever treatment I got from him, was undetected by my boys. I am glad of that, but they also don't fully understand why I don't love their father and why him being an alcoholic has had an affect on me. That is okay. They have their own growing and developing to focus on, and they are both turning out amazing in their own ways. I made sure that they should be able to explore their interests and growth in their own ways and not be swayed by what other people thought, especially my AH. I didn't want them to be affected by him as much as possible.