Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
We have been together for years and had twins a year ago. It never used to be like this. He was active, successful and a gentleman. I don't know when it got this bad but I know that the broken promises just started to become a regular thing. He doesn't drink daily but one drink always turns into more. Home by 8, becomes home by 3am. One day turns into 2. I should be happy. I have beautiful children and what looks like a storybook life in pictures. Some days he is the man I fell in love with and so I hold onto hope. I am losing hope and losing myself. Most of the time I cry. I cry that I parent alone. That I cannot keep the kids quiet enough on the mornings he is hungover. I cry that someone can be so cruel, say such mean things, tell me how terrible I am. I cry that it is never enough. No matter how clean the house is, how many great meals I cook, how hard I try to make him love me, he doesn't. He can't. He doesn't love himself right now. I can't tell anyone the full truth about how bad it is. How would anyone forgive him? If I said it aloud I would have to leave him right? I just want to leave before I lose every last bit of myself but I hold onto hope for the man I fell in love with. Thank you all for listening. I guess I just needed to tell my story. To not feel so alone.
For whatever reasons, many of us here and not ready to leave. I am working on forgiveness, myself. It's so hard to forgive when they keep repeating the very behavior that you're trying to forgive. What helps is just accepting that this is who he is. He may chose to get better, or he may not. I don't have to stick around. I don't have to plan my life around what he's doing. I can make other plans for my days and for my life. It's hard to wrap my mind around. I thought we'd be spending our lives together, doing things together. Now, I'm having to think about doing those things we'd planned, by myself, pr with someone else. Like traveling. You can't really travel with a constant drunk. So, I take my kids on vacations, and leave him home. And it feels really sad at times, that I can't share y life with him. I can't talk to him about my day, because he somehow turns it into a slur against me, every detail of my day, he can come up with a way to make me feel bad about my life.
And it's so sad for our kids. They grow up without the loving father we had planned for them. They watch our interactions and think this is "normal". How will they ever learn to find a healthy relationship, when what they have at home is so unhealthy between their parents. I've even expressed that to my AH, and he tries for a day, then goes back to drinking. He's so selfish. He'd rather drink away his day/night, than do something that our children need. I wish he would read some of these posts. But I think the selfishness of alcoholism would skew everything, and he'd only use anything he felt from reading here, as fuel to drink more.
You can't make him become the person you want. But you can make yourself the best person God intended you to be. Focus on what you need for your healing. Let your AH figure his own self out. Have you looked into alanon or counseling? I'm trying to work myself up to going for counseling, for me, to figure out why I'm stuck.
Take good care of you and your children. Sending big hugs.
I agree with Invisibleme's advice and I also have avoided counseling. I'll never understand why I allow this or why I'm afraid to find out that answer.
Through all of this, be good to yourself. Your kids need you.
Sending thoughts and prayers to you.
alone. My husband was controlling and critical. I was never a good enough housekeeper, meal planner, or wife. I was " out there " ( whatever that means. ) my stories could go on and on. I believed all the negative things he said about me to keep me under his control!
Now he is retired on disability I will retire in a year or two. He is still an active addict and has added pain medications to the mix. The thought of the next phase of life with him ....?
Any way, I put myself in counseling and loved it! Best gift I ever gave myself. I read everything I can on co dependency. I work on myself and go for what makes me happy. I no longer worry too much about how he feels about me. It's not the easiest life though. I send you my support and love.