There are so many words depending on the day and atmosphere. For the most part it's Fear. Fear for the future, fear for the present. Will he pass out peacefully on the couch tonight, or will he spend hours telling me how I ruined HIS life?! I never know from one moment to the next what kind of mood he will be in. He's not physically abusive, but his words are poison.

I hate the evenings / nights as well.

IMany nights I went to bed wondering if he would even wake up I guess sometimes I wished
He would not. When he was bad he was bad . He too did not care how bad his words hurt
That each one cut deeper and deeper in my heart. Why I stay I'm not sure.
Many hugs and prayer s

Regret: I regret living like this for so many years. I regret not leaving when I wanted to, when I saw the signs but was too scared to make that move. Regret for putting my 3 kids in such a horrible environment. Regret for feeling sorry for him all the time. Most important, regret for not thinking about myself and my own welfare! Lots of love and encouragement. Find your happiness, do what is for you. No one deserves this, no matter how much self hate or lack of self esteem. I wish I would have listened when the world shouted it to me.

Now that I'm on my way towards freedom (have about two months to go before "D" day), I feel love. Love for myself - for the first time in my life I've chosen to stand up for myself. I dreamed of a life where I could just be me. I was so tired of defending myself to the person who I never should have had to do that with. I taught my kids (now grown), no matter what it is in life, whatever it may be, your job, your marriage, your friendships, how you spend your free time, it should always bring you love and happiness. It takes work, nothing comes without perseverance, determination, and compromise, but it should never come with dread, fear or manipulation. So today, I feel love for myself, for choosing to change how I lived to match what I tried to teach my children.

It's taken me a long time to get here, went through many emotions and feelings, grief, pain, regret, denial, fear, and so many more. It's a process and these emotions come back to bite every once in awhile. rccola has great advise, "Find your happiness, do what is for you." Whatever it is you want you can make that happen!

Hoping today is a better day and sending you hugs!

Ginny, So happy for you. I hope that someday we will all get there. dont look back!
rccola, regret is one of mine too. I have been married 23 yrs. I was shaking my head reading your post. Its been a long haul. I wish I would have listened to my gut years ago. Just keeps getting worse.
bonblue, I have had those same thoughts. When I dont hear him in the morning, I wonder if he stopped breathing in the night. Sometimes, I wished he had.
yw249, praying for you.

So my word was pain. To describe it, it feels like I am rotting from the inside. I dont see an end in sight. I fear it will end in tragedy. All I can hope for is to get through tonight. He isnt physically abusive. He is just killing me softly.

it's taken me nearly 32 years to get to this point - i understand what you are going through. Please find some help, my children, therapist and friends are the only reason I am here at this point. And just to point this out because it's not obvious, my friends are mostly "new" friends. They are people who I reached out to when things were going so terribly (just two years ago) and they helped pull me through the worst of it. Just like many other spouses who are dealing with an alcoholic I hid it. I didn't have friends. People I had worked with for nearly 30 years didn't know what I was hiding. But when I told them I needed help - they were there for me and still are.

I pray you're okay tonight. It can be better please don't give up. Fight for yourself - you're worth it!

My word would be disbelief. I can't believe:
- how much my AH can drink
- I've been dealing with his behavior for 12 years
- I allowed myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of
- I let him treat me and my daughter the way he did
- that I believed him and in him
- that I'm finally on my way out - THANK GOODNESS!

SADNESS....for what alcohol has taken from us.

Many hugs and prayers for all of us

Frustration. I'm frustrated that I had a dream and auction has robbed me if it for now. I'm frustrated reading about how much people are suffering because of addiction and its devastating effects. And what frustrated me the most is how unoriginal ask of our stories are, yet countless people are lamenting the same struggle over and over again. It's like hitting our heads against a rock. I'm frustrated I can't wave a magic wand and take everyone's pain away. I'm frustrated i can't write anything momentous enough to make people stand up for themselves. I'm frustrated, because by the very definition of the word, I have no control over any of it.

And now I'm frustrated by autocorrect and how everything I write on here makes me look like an illiterate moron. Lol sorry for all the typos.

Alone