Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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MeandRobby 04/29/2010

I have been married and divorced twice and am now finally with the love of my life. The man who I thought I'd never find. I love him with every ounce of my being. BUT, he is an alcoholic. Worse thing is that I knew that when we got together. I was soooo stupid. I thought I could handle it. Now what? We've been together a year and I love him more each day but lose more of my sanity each day. I'm beginning to realize I just might not be able to "handle it". I'm scared to death. I rationalized that living with an alcoholic wouldn't effect my daughter too badly since he is not a mean drunk...he's a stupid silly drunk. But, now I know it has effected her and I'm so pissed at myself that I can't kick him out to at least save my daughter from this heartache. I'm so selfish. I can't imagine not having him to love and talk to. He doesn't deny his problem. I cried in his arms just last night as he told me he didn't want to quit drinking. He says it's all or nothing for him. If he quits, which he did several years ago for about 4 years, that he goes nonstop to AA and church - so much that it's worse than the energy he puts in drinking. And thankfully, he does work. He works very hard to bring home a paycheck every week. I could go on and on...but, I will stop here. Like I said, I just need to know there is someone out there that understands this overwhelming love I have and the sheer torture that comes along with it. ??????????????

deleted_user 04/30/2010

i understand completely. I love my ah with all my heart but at times it feels like he does not love me. i cant imagine my life without him yet i know it would prob be better. He too is not a mean drunk, he is a recluse. He works full time and it does not affect his job. his drinking only affects us. i thought i could handle it as i knew when we got married he was an alcoholic, but i feel so alone sometimes that it just hurts. i just did not hink it would be a lifelong day to day job of seeing him drink himself to death.

deleted_user 04/30/2010

I used to love mine anyway but it got too hard.

If I didn't live where I live, and if the mortgage were not in my name, I would leave.

I do understand, because you were me 2 years ago.

I don't know if you will follow the same path as I did. But you will have to go somewhere with this stinging hurt.

Very sorry.

MeandRobby 04/30/2010

April - Day to day job is exactly right. I am not working now so he is my "job". I worry how things will be when I go back to a real job.
Mezz - You are talking about my worst fear - as hard as it is, this love I feel for him is almost fairytale like and I am so scared one day I won't feel that. =(
Thanks to both of you for the understanding.

deleted_user 04/30/2010

I also know where you are at.... I married my high school sweetheart after 22 years apart. He was the 1st guy I had sex with.. I knew he was a drinker, but before we got married but it was only socially (or so I thought).... now he drinks at home alone every day. After a day of drinking my kids lose all respect for him, so it escalates to anger. He's never tried to hurt them, at least not physically. He wants them to help out around the house, but when he's been drinking, everything they do is not good enough. They don't want to help, and I don't blame them. And when I confront him about his actions, he denies it.. It has rubbed off on both of his kids... When they are caught red handed, they just refuse to admit anything! Oh, this infuriates me... I know you love this man, but please don't let it effect your daughter.....

My husband also says that AA did not help him, and it takes too much effort. He thinks he can handle this on his own.... yet he keeps drinking... I think in a few years, your love feelings will be replaced with resentment.... I'm sorry..... I'm getting there very quickly, it's been 2 years.... take care....

deleted_user 04/30/2010

I feel your pain and am right there with you. I married the my soulmate 25 years now. We have been together since I was 16 (30 years). He is the only man I have ever slept with and he is loving and caring and gentle, a great husband and wonderful father.....when he is not drinking! I have been dealing with his drinking beyond a social level for the last 11 years and for me (stupid or not) I still love him with all my heart. I know he has issues (PTSD and depression or BiPolar) and drinking is a bandaid. Several times a year he tries to stop and he always says he really does not want to drink. I measure the good with the bad and so far the bad has not out weighed the good for me. I always maintain hope as long as he is willing to talk to me about it and tries to stop. It is a frustrating situation and people who are not in your shoes will be quick to judge and give advice. But I have found real support here and I know these people come with a nonjudgemental understanding so Welcome and may we be of support to you as you work through your days.

MeandRobby 05/03/2010

Soulmategon - I weigh the good and bad too. You talk about yours having issues and mine does too! I know it's not an excuse for drinking cause everyone has some sort of issues. But, it is seriously hard for him, I know. He was adopted but the mother who raised him spoiled him rotten and loved him more than anything. She passed away several years ago but he still cries when he talks about her. It seems his whole life went downhill after she died. I said I'd been married twice before - well, so had he and his second wife whom he seemed to love dearly and I know she loved him - died as well. Anyway, I know I'm doing exact opposite of what I should probably do cause I'm constantly trying to protect him. ...=(

deleted_user 05/03/2010

MeandRobby- I feel one of the toughest spots to be in is to watch someone you care about deeply in so much pain, especially pschological pain and want to help but not know what to do. That is why I keep trying with mine. He has some really deep issues that manifest itself in all kinds of ways but I have noticed I am the only person that can pull him through those incidents, those times when his mind is racing and going out of control. I can snap him back for a while,calm him down before he explodes and God forbid has a heart attack or slow him down to sort things out. Scarey thing for me is that I am only scratching the surface on some things...........

deleted_user 05/06/2010

I think we need to seperate trying to fix and control with supporting. We all get caught up in "helping" when it is something we don't have the power to do. It is SO hard to watch someone we love hurt themselves. Terribly hard. And it is also terribly hard to come to terms with the fact that we can not fix it. That makes us feel bad about ourselves. This is all so hard. We can be supportive of postivie behaviors but we can't fix it. No matter how much we pray, yell, scream, hope, beg, manipulate, stomp our feet, threaten, I could go on here. But they are all things I have tried. I hate that we are all here, but there is still hope for US. We can't forget that. Whether we stay or go, there is hope for our happy lives.

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