Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I met my boyfriend 6 years ago. I was a fairly heavy drinker then. He was smoking weed but not drinking at all. He said he was just taking a break from alcohol. He'd lost his driver's license due to getting three DUIs but he told me two of them weren't his fault. Eventually, months into the relationship, he started drinking wine with me. Some wine turned into getting drunk together too often. In spite of some very disturbing evenings, I moved in with him. COVID hit and he lost his job which has been a tremendous source of stress for him. Suddenly, I woke up. I haven't had a drink in five months. His alcoholism has gotten progressively worse. I'm realizing he was an alcoholic all along. Now he can't go one day without drinking. He is cruel to me, tells me I am one of the many reasons why he drinks. He is sinking at a breakneck speed. He is supposed to be starting a job on a merchant ship in a few weeks. There is no drinking aboard the ships so he says. He has no plan to cut back or stop drinking until he leaves. He is drinking until he is drunk every night now. I want to tell his parents that if they don't get their son help, they may bury him. The idea of not bringing the severity of the situation to his family's attention makes me feel guilty. What if they could arrange for an intervention? I have brought it to their attention before to a lesser extent and he denied it, told them I'm crazy. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am safe. I don't know how quickly I can get out of here. He is so sick.
A few points from your post are worrisome. 1. Denial of responsibility. Not his fault for two duis 2. Verbal abuse. You are a reason he drinks 3. Red flags. You don't know how safe you are or how fast you can get out. Your loving heart is in this relationship for keeps but your mind and sense of self preservation are sending you signals.
His parents may know of his drinking. His friends may also know or be encouraging factors.
His future employer will know about his drinking. What happens when he is fired and he returns home? He will find blame in everyone around him and may take out his frustration on you. Perhaps more than verbally.
Before you go down this road any further you MUST ask yourself can I continue to watch him die everyday and will I allow myself to stay in this literal time bomb situation. Every person involved with an addict has to deal with and accept the sad reality every single day they remain in the less than adult relationship.
Perhaps not the words you were looking for as there are never easy answers. Addicts will not change until they hit rock bottom and they choose to change. No amount of intervention or pleading or praying or conversation or counseling will make them stop.
Addiction is when a person gives up everything for one thing. Recovery is when a person gives up one thing to gain everything. The choice is theirs to make.
I would focus on yourself first. Decide if this is a path you're willing to take with this person. Alcoholism is a lifelong sentence, even after recovery.
With my husband we've been through recovery many times some lasting for years. It's an awful feeling when things start to get better not knowing when that one drink can bring you back at square one.
I don't mean to seem so negative and not very optimistic of your situation but it truly is a harsh reality that every spouse dealing with an alcoholic should hear. It's the most helpful advice I've once ignored but later followed.
When dealing with an alcoholic ultimately you have to do what is best for YOU. Not him, not both of you but for YOU.
Good Luck<3