Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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BeachyKeen 01/21/2017

Hi all! New to this group. It's exactly what I was searching for. I tried the Al-Anon way, but it's just not my cup of tea.

I've replied to a few posts, and looking forward to working my way backward a little more each day and I'm sure I'll be kindred spirit with a lot of you.

One thing I'm kinda tired of hearing is that "It's a disease. Would you be mad at him if he had Diabetes?" Well, if he was stuffing his face with cake every night, yes. Yes, I would.

We're almost empty-nesters. In 6 months, our youngest will head off to college and we're kicking the older one out of the nest as we plan to move to the beach. We've talked about it for years, and the kids are kind of excited about the whole idea too, where they'll wind up visiting us, etc. And now that whole dream is shattering. I don't want to spend every night watching him fall asleep on the couch. Loving his bottle more than he loves me.

Everyone has free will. I get that it's not his choice to "love" alcohol more than me. I don't get not being willing to make a change to salvage our marriage. I'm not saying that he has to be perfect, but he has to try. I don't want to wait for that DUI or car accident to wake his ass up.

He tends to get snarky and sarcastic when drinking and tonight he and my youngest got into it. She was being a teenager and not being the nicest person in the world when she said the leftovers she brought home from being out with her friend were not to be eaten. But she wasn't yelling or mean, just a normal attitude-y attitude in a normal tone of voice. He started getting into it with her and it went from 0 to 60 in like 5 sentences. And then he said "are you on your freaking period? Is that why you're so nasty?" She yelled back, he yelled back, she went upstairs and slammed her door.

I was so pissed! I confronted him and said that was totally not ok, he's the adult. And it's totally out of line to be bringing up her period. What is he a teenager? This is how a 55 year old man talks to his daughter? I said when you drink you get snarky and sarcastic. And of course he says he's not drunk. Oh please. Then he went into this whole martyr attitude "oh of course, it's all my fault. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. You're always right." Yeah, well I usually am. ;)

But that not withstanding, what I am is really depressed about our future.

bluesprite72 01/21/2017

I feel like calling this a "disease" is a cop out for addicts. It is a way for them to say that they cannot help it and gives them an excuse to continue making poor choices and to drink. It makes it sound like you would say " poor alcoholic, his disease is so out of control, he really cannot think and act for himself. This disease is making him do this". It takes the control out of their hands. Which is total BS.

It is really sad too, when we have to tell them how to be mature towards their kids. Whenever my AH would get into it with my 12 year old, he would end up putting him down, calling him childish names, make him feel small. I would always have to step in and tell him that was not appropriate behavior and we do not treat each other that way in this house. Sad when you have to parent your husband as well as your kids. The alcohol just makes him act and think like a kid. It can be very draining to be a mother to your husband, when he should be a grown adult.

I am truly sorry for your depression. I have always had it. At least you guys had made some plans for something, whether it is going to happen or not. Mine always thought making big plans like remodels in the house, buying a new house someday, or even planning a small trip, was not something we could make happen. It is sad when you think of the picture you had in your head, of how you wanted your family to look, only for it to turn out the way it has.

Jen77 01/21/2017

Hi Beachykeen, and welcome to the group. I understand your frustrations regarding the "disease" of alcoholism. I believe that it truly is a disease, passed on thru genetics, a mental illness with no ability to control the compulsive *need*. The noise of the disease is so much louder than I can even comprehend because that desire is barely even a whisper in me. But I've seen as that desire screamed and fought for control in my AH. I've seen him cave and give into it because he just can't stand the noise anymore. The illness tells him he's in control even when he's lost in the throws of the addiction. And it's insane, and crazy, and just utter chaos... and my AH hates it too. Hates it like he would hate cancer growing in his body. But the thing that is the most crazy is that the times that it's at its worst is when he's the most fooled. The illness tricks him into believing he has complete control. It's only when he's been sober for some time that he can actually see the illness from a similar standpoint as me. And like any disease, it goes into remission for awhile. We go on living and enjoying life, and the BOOM, it's back destroying our lives again.

I don't know what the right answer is. But what I've learned in all the years we've been waging this battle is that discussions about the future of our marriage can only be had in a sober moment. It's useless to even waste your breath after he's had anything to drink. So leave him behind in the moment of you have to. Use it as an excuse to take your daughter out and do something special together before she springboards onto adulthood. Maybe she'll remember those special moments sharing ice cream cones with her mom and not dad stumbling around hollering at everyone. ;)

Newlife4me 01/22/2017

Hi BK, welcome to the group! Like you, the future I had envisioned with my husband has changed (my divorce is now final). I am 53 and filed for divorce about a year ago after 8 years of being on the "roller coaster" with my AH. I'm not sure that my AH will ever be able to break the grip that vodka has on him. I realized that even if he did become sober, I would always wonder if he was drinking, or where the booze was hidden, and I just knew that I could not live like that every day. For my own health and welfare, and that of my children, I knew we needed to not live together anymore. It's been sad at times, but I honestly feel I had become so numb to it, and he had really pulled away from us, that not being with him isn't that much different than when he was here. I sleep so much better, and I just feel so much healthier without that added stress, and happier too.

BeachyKeen 01/23/2017

Jenn77-- Thanks for your reply. Your sentence " The illness tricks him into believing he has complete control. It's only when he's been sober for some time that he can actually see the illness from a similar standpoint as me." really made me see this from another angle. I've never heard it put like that and it really makes sense to me.

BeachyKeen 01/23/2017

BlueSprite--Thank you too. Clearly mine is not the only one who reverts in age. "It can be very draining to be a mother to your husband, when he should be a grown adult. " You hit the nail on the head, sistah. And I read something a long time ago about how mourning "the death of a dream" is not that unlike mourning the death of a loved one. :(

BeachyKeen 01/23/2017

NewLife--Congrats on your NEW LIFE! May you live long and prosper :) How are your kids handling it all? You can pm me back instead if you wish.

bluesprite72 01/23/2017

It took me a lot of years to mourn the death of what "could" have been. When I finally realized I have been mourning this for years, I stepped back and looked at how I really have felt about our relationship and realized what I had to do. I have mourned with every new realization in this relationship. Some day, all of this will be behind me and I will be set free for good.

Newlife4me 01/23/2017

BK, my kids are 15 (daughter) and 18 (son). Sadly, since last May when we separated, he has only seen the kids a few times. He was a good, involved dad in the beginning, but when his drinking increased he withdrew into himself. My kids have said that him not being here isn't much different than when he was here, because towards the end he just laid on the couch all the time. It was embarrassing to the kids in front of their friends. He had to go. It's a much happier home now.

blond17 01/24/2017

Where do you get the strength from??? I'm struggling so much. I just want to protect my very ill husband from himself. He just resists me and any other help whilst still saying he adores me and the girls. I wish I was stringer. I have asked him to leave before but I have had him back because I can't stand seeing my husband suffering so much. And the girls just adore him. At 2 and 3, they are totally clueless as to his struggles x

Newlife4me 01/24/2017

Blond17- you sound very strong to me, it's just cloudy in your world right now and hard for you to see it! It's sad to say, but you really can't protect your husband from himself. Being so preoccupied with what is going on with him, takes away from your own quality of life and that of your children. On the positive side here, your children are so young that they're still relatively unscathed by his behavior. It gets harder as they get older and begin to realize what's going on. He may be drunk in front of their friends, and they will be embarrassed to have friends over, and may become withdrawn and depressed (mine did). I feel she was on a dangerous road, and I'm glad I realized this in time to change the path of her life. She is so much happier now.

Godsplan 01/25/2017

Jen77- well said. Beachykeen- what I would add is that they don't have problem solving skills which accounts for the childish behavior. I try to teach my AH problem solving skills and he is open to going to behavioral therapy, which focuses on how to deal with stressful situations in a rational way, rather then depending on whatever substance they are addicted to.

esq94jd 01/25/2017

I raised three kids (youngest will graduate in May) and I can honestly say my husband has been a more problematic "teenager" than any of them. The bad thing is that he will not grow out of it. He's a 13 year old in a 53 year old body. I can relate. Big time. Be tough and have discussions during his sober moments.

jms7229 01/27/2017

lol I AM MAD AT MY HUSBAND FOR HAVING DIABETES and being completely non compliant!!!!!
Then feeling sorry for himself when complications arise. Ugh
I'm just sick and tired of his alcohol abuse and all of he destruction it brings and then he is the victim
( when really he is a selfish lying manipulative irresponsible dickhead.
But I'm at the point where I am more upset with my own raging codependent behaviors
As of last night ( a doozy at my house) I've decided to fix myself and leave him to learn his own lessons ALONE

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